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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26287765">messy sketchbooks</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nova_solo/pseuds/nova_solo'>nova_solo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Adam Driver - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A lot of sex, Abuse, Adam Driver - Freeform, Adam Driver Smut, Aftercare, Age Difference, Anal Sex, Angst and Porn, Ben Solo - Freeform, Blood Kink, Car Sex, Choking, Christmas Party, Daddy Issues, Daddy Kink, Daisy Ridley - Freeform, Degradation, Dinner, Dom/sub, Dominant Kylo Ren, Drugged Sex, Emotionally Repressed, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fashion &amp; Couture, Fluff and Smut, Gay Finn (Star Wars), Gay Poe Dameron, Interns &amp; Internships, Knifeplay, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren in Love, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Lesbian Rey (Star Wars), Loss of Virginity, Millionaire, Power Play, Public Sex, Reader-Insert, Recreational Drug Use, Secret Relationship, Sex Toys, Sex at work, Shower Sex, Smut, Spanking, Strippers &amp; Strip Clubs, Submissive Kylo Ren, Suit Porn, Suits, emotionally unavailable kylo, lack of aftercare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:41:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>85,244</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26287765</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nova_solo/pseuds/nova_solo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>modern kylo (college)  AU</p><p>you're a fashion student who has landed one of the top internships at 'jakku &amp; tatooine'. thanks to your great acting skills you fooled your way in with your 'rich aesthetic' and fit comfortably among the best of the best (even though, in reality,  you live in a run down apartment building and strip evenings to make ends meet). </p><p>your first assignment, to dress the cold and emotionally detached kylo ren for an annual christmas business party. you get to work by turning on your snobbish charm, believing he is just like the rest. </p><p>it isn't until one cold december night, he stumbles into the cherry plaza strip club that he eyes up the real you... he becomes obsessed and so do you.</p><p>(the reader is under 21, but still legal! kylo is much older,30's) </p><p>----------------</p><p>PLEASE DON'T PUBLISH MY STORY ON ANY OTHER WEBSITE</p><p>THIS IS A READER INSERT!</p><p>THIS BOOK HAS HARDCORE, HEAVY AND SOMETIMES BRUTAL SMUT.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. coffee times ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>keep this short and sweet &lt;3</p><p>kylo within messy sketchbooks is less aggressive than other stories but don't be fooled, there is brutal and somewhat hardcore smut involved. he is less emotionally unavailable than other stories but that doesn't mean he will pour his heart out on a plate to reader any time they ask him what he is feeling. </p><p>i will mention the age difference when kylo and reader are together or separate. reader is a fashion student who has received an internship. they are under 21 but this is NOT an underage story, we only ship 18+ on this profile ! </p><p>there is full consent and legality with every sexual action spoken about within this novel but that doesn't mean it will all be fluffy and cute like a disney princess story. </p><p> !! THIS STORY HAS GRAPHIC SEXUAL SCENES AND FOUL LANGUAGE !!</p><p>if this makes you uncomfortable then please don't read ! there will be warnings in chapters with heavy or brutal smut. </p><p>these specific warnings include: </p><p>- dom/sub </p><p>- lack of aftercare (may change over the course of the story) </p><p>- spanking/slapping </p><p>- choking </p><p>- orgasm denial </p><p>- degradation </p><p>- crying (mostly after sexual intercourse) </p><p>- HEAVY drug use (reader is a bit of a bad bitch) </p><p>- alcohol consumption </p><p>- thigh riding (i know the rats enjoy that ;) ) </p><p>- daddy kink </p><p>- finger sucking </p><p>if any of these topics make you uncomfortable or you're not at a mature age to be reading please think carefully before reading ! </p><p>all that's left to say is that i hope you enjoy it ! message me anytime you want, if you want me to read some of your fics, i would be over the moon to ! we support each other here ! </p><p>lots of love, hugs and kisses, speak soon ! </p><p>amelia (preferably millie but whatever floats your boat is fine by me bbys!)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>waking up to a rainy new york, on the morning of your first day as an intern, at the fashion house 'jakku &amp; tatooine' wasn't what you imagined it to be. you imagined to wake up like cinderella, birds chirping, sunlight creeping in through the curtains that were flawlessly flowing due to a gentle autumn breeze and the smell of a fresh pot of coffee, teasing you to rise from your bed. </p>
<p>however in reality, you woke up to the sound of cars honking, neighbours yelling, the coldness of brutal water falling through your broken window, which your landlord swore he'd fix and the smell of 3am takeout delivery that was still hanging around on the floor of your messy box of a bedroom. </p>
<p>'this is the new york dream' you sarcastically thought to yourself. </p>
<p>"bitch get up! it's 8:45, your ass is gonna be late!" screamed rey, your roommate and best friend since birth, who decided wherever you go, she goes too. which in turn, made her move all the way across country from carmel to new york with you. even though you were hesitant to begin with, you were sort of relived that she followed you here. it provided the warmth of a friendly face in a not so friendly neighbourhood. </p>
<p>"i'm up, i'm up!" you yelled back, moaning and aching as you picked yourself up off the mattress   on the floor which you called a bed. new york apartment prices were expensive, and you could just make ends meet. so a frame for your already 'used' mattress was out of the question and certainly not in your monthly budget. </p>
<p>you had to look the part. sophisticated, polished, cultured. opting for a plaid skirt with black and grey features, a white turtleneck sweater, tied together with a black leather belt across your waist. knee high patent black socks and commando boots. you almost looked like your bank had more of a six figure sum, instead of the reality that was actually only a couple of hundred bucks. you finished your exterior with a large mens suit jacket in a dark grey and strategically used your drugstore makeup to coverup the bags under your eyes from previous late nights. your hagged appearance was usually brought about by either rey dragging your anti-social ass to the club, working overtime for extra tips or binging another crime documentary until you looked outside and saw dawn. </p>
<p>"well doesn't someone want to make a snobby first impression huh?" scoffed rey as she was downing what looked to be her third black coffee.</p>
<p>she usually worked nights at uncle mo's diner which was conveniently situated across from the fashion house. you remember spending hours sat in a cosy booth, dazing out of the double panelled window at the stylists bustling to a fro, carrying large portfolios and racks of clothing, ready to be photographed; all heading through those glass doors, that you so ached to push in your hands. </p>
<p>and now finally you got the chance.</p>
<p>------------------------</p>
<p>when you applied for the internship at the jakku &amp; tatooine, your pessimistic outlook on life thought you would never be hired. you lacked experience, money, the whole package which a million other candidates had. but one thing you knew, was how to work a room, your night shifts at the cherry plaza  strip club taught you everything you needed. your motto; know your clientele, and whatever you desire, will be yours. </p>
<p>and here you were, dressed the part, acting the part, ready for your first adventure into a world where only a small town girl from cali who moved across the country with her best friend with few hundred bucks would only dream about. </p>
<p>"you must be the new intern!" a soft, sort of warming voice lulled at the back of your head. you turned around and were greeted by a dashing young man, smartly dressed in a suit minus the tie and jacket and instead accessorised with a beige scarf thrown over both shoulders and a pair of vintage dolce glasses resting on his hazelnut shaded nose. </p>
<p>"i'm poe, poe dameron. they usually put me in charge of the newbies. apparently i have a softness about me?" he chuckled as he raised the plastic lid to his coffee cup to his mouth. </p>
<p>you couldn't help but giggle along with him; "soft? really? maybe it's because its my first day but everybody here is intimidating as fuck" you held both your hands, fiddling with your sweaty nervous fingers, waiting for him to return your already unprofessional comment.</p>
<p>"hey! don't be! look why not to get you started i put you on the drink order?"</p>
<p>your heart sunk, you knew it was too good to be true. you'd just be another voiceless servant in an office filled with people who thought they were better than you. fucking coffee rota? you've got to be kidding me?!</p>
<p>you grinned a fake smile; "yes that would be a great way to settle me in, thanks!"</p>
<p>as you collected everyones orders, you made your way to the coffee house located on the ground floor of the building. </p>
<p>"uhh i guess ten coffees?" you confusingly blurted out to the barista. </p>
<p>"they put you on drink duty did they? first day?" a man, about early 20's whispered across the counter to you. you read his name tag. finn. </p>
<p>"is it that obvious?" you groaned back to him, massaging your already tense neck from sleeping oddly again. fucking mattress, you thought to yourself. </p>
<p>"don't worry honey, they'll have a new girl down here tomorrow!" he winked as he passed you the abundance of coffee's, filling you with fear as to how you were going to carry them all the way up to the fifth floor. </p>
<p>-------------------</p>
<p>your day wasn't that eventful after your morning drink run. a couple more conversations with fin as he made whatever mocha, triple shot, oat milk, no foam shit the ladies wanted in hair and beauty.and a tour around the building, by his truly, poe. </p>
<p>you seemed to be getting comfortable being the coffee girl. no-one new your name, no one cared enough. </p>
<p>after lunch, you sat at your desk, in the corner of the office which gave you a clear view to mo's diner. wishing you were back at home with rey. who was probably sleeping. you'd order more takeout, put on a trashy rom-com and critique if the male love interest would eat pussy or not. spoiler alert; any film starring hugh grant would certainly not return that favour. </p>
<p>just as your day was coming to an end, poe tapped your shoulder, causing you to come out of your dreamy state. </p>
<p>"good news! you've been assigned to dress a client for a work event they have this winter!" he seemed a little too excited to give you this project. tricky client? you thought. oh yes let's give the newbie a proper challenge, he was probably mulling over in his head. </p>
<p>"and who is the lucky lady?" you questioned back to him, in an overly sarcastic tone. making his mouth droop into a relaxed state. </p>
<p>"oh baby no. you mean who's the lucky guy? well just this big shot called kylo ren. owns a percentage in this fashion house, loyal customer. been coming to us for years. said he wanted a new girl to dress him. something about their willingness to obey and listen to his commands?anyways good luck! he's coming in early tomorrow!" as soon as the last word left his mouth, he was gone. practically skipping through the rows of office cubicles.</p>
<p>you gulped. fuck. kylo fucking ren. you'd heard about him in one of the major fashion magazines. a tough and hot headed man who always got his way if you recall. and he wanted new meat? you'd have to pull out some major fake charm with this one. you were almost shitting yourself just thinking about interacting with him, one on one. </p>
<p>--------------</p>
<p>getting home to your shabby apartment, you could hear the almost deafening sound of rey's snoring coming through her bedroom door. however many coffees she had, wasn't enough to stop her from practically passing out for the whole day and into the evening. </p>
<p>your body ached already. who knew grabbing coffee was such an arduous task. but your night was just getting started. you were working a midnight to 3 am shift at the cherry plaza. grabbing what looked and smelled like a slice of pizza you rushed into your room to change into your nightwear. </p>
<p>as you were putting on your maroon lipstick and plumping up your cheeks with blush you couldn't stop thinking about poe's words. </p>
<p>"willingness to obey and listen to his commands" </p>
<p>in a sick way, that made a heat pool between your legs already. you didn't even know the face of mr ren and you were already aroused by the power he held. </p>
<p>as you were grabbing your strip bag and heading out the door, you thought to yourself. 'maybe, just maybe. mr ren's commands will satisfy me too'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. a paychecks, a paycheck</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you arrived at the cherry plaza a little bit before half eleven. giving you enough time to make yourself look somewhat presentable to your usual customers for a monday evening. </p><p>most of your usual clients were truckers stopping a couple of nights in the city before moving along or regulars who were married men, wanting to let themselves go, while their wives slept peacefully at home, not knowing what they were up to late in 'the office'. </p><p>you sort of liked your stripping job; it paid just enough to cover your apartments rent and maybe now a little extra for some intern clothes to help you fit in more. you thought showing up in your seven inch heels to a place where a bra strap showing was considered risky, wouldn't go down a treat. </p><p>you parked yourself at your station, messy as always. spilt glitter and oil bottles, empty, lipstick stained coffee cups and extra pairs of lacy thongs draped over your chair, welcomed you. you always swore you'd clean it after your shift was over but inevitably ended up hanging out of your ass and only wanting your bed and some type of food to tide you over till breakfast. </p><p>"evening honey! how was your first day at your business thingy?!" your favourite floor girl rose, sprung up next to you. she seemed a little too excited to hear your story about how all you did was grab coffee all day. </p><p>rose was perfect. you always envied her. her small but innocent features got her all the best customers. her doe hazelnut eyes lured them in and her almost twilight hair parted in the middle, entranced them wanting more. </p><p>you on the other hand. thought yourself a different story. not saying you hated your body and wished it could choke but... you hated your body and wished it could choke. </p><p>you always thought your thighs were too large, and your hips/waist not small enough. you hated the way you smiled, laughed and even just your mundane sounding voice in general tended to get on your nerves. but at least being a stripper meant not many men came to hear you talk about your desires and goals. more to only gawk at your assets hiding under minimal laced fabric which glistened under the neon lighting. </p><p>"hiya rose! it was better than i expected! everyone is so lovely, already have a heap of work to do!" of course you lied. you couldn't tell her that you were the coffee girl, who got given an unwanted assignment and that no-one even remembered your name. </p><p>---------------------------</p><p>it was that time of your shift. after spending about two hours on the floor, giving who knows how many truckers lap dances for not enough tips. your number was up. </p><p>your song choice; 'you don't own me' by lesley gore was your go to pole song. it was true, no one owned you, you couldn't give two fucks about what men thought about your body, they only ever thought with what's between their legs. </p><p>as you started slowly walking round your pole, as seductively as you could. you spotted a tall, almost brooding stranger walk in. taking a seat at the back of the club, you could tell, even with the lights blinding your vision, his eyes never left you. </p><p>something about this shadow was different you thought, while carrying on with your routine. your eyes also, never left the back of the plaza. his stance relaxed, leaning back, legs a jar. you could view the glisten of what was likely a watch. businessman? you thought. probably married, probably boring. but something enticed you to him.</p><p>your song was nearly over, you begun teasing with the lace of your emerald colour thong. fingers hooking around the sides, money flung to the stage floor. this encouraged you more. everyone loved money. and you were hungry for it. twirling round the pole once more, biting your lip as you did. you slid down, the cool metal hitting your exposed back, legs widening into a split.</p><p>you'd feel that in the morning. fucking flexibility issues, why couldn't god just make you a born gymnast, you groaned in your mind</p><p>the clients closest to the stage, whistling and howling your 'name'. cherry, you chose. you thought at the time it was sexy and addictive. and if it was good enough for the title of a lana del rey song, it was good enough for your shifts in the city.</p><p>as your song finished the last line "that's all i ask of you"sang... your eyes, now on floor level saw that the stranger was gone. was he a figment of your imagination you thought? maybe all the caffeine had finally hit your head. </p><p>---------------------------</p><p>BEEP,BEEP,BEEP </p><p>your eyes groggy with sleep deprivation, you saw an unknown number was ringing your cell. </p><p>"uh, hello?" you pursed out of your lips, that were embarrassingly covered with sleep drool. </p><p>"it's poe. where the fuck are you?! it 10 am, mr ren is almost here for his first consultation with you! you better get your ass over here stat miss" and without a second for you to reply, he hung up. </p><p>fuck. fuck.fuck. it was your second day as an intern and you were late. </p><p>practically flinging yourself off the mattress, you threw on your work clothes. luckily you always put out your clothes for the next day before heading to the plaza for your shift. todays outfit consisted of, a white long sleeved undershirt with a beige preppy dress over the top. fuck jeans. you could not be dealing with jeans on a day like today. you hurriedly finished your outfit off with a pair of white knee length socks and your same old commando boots. </p><p>looking in the mirror at your semi greasy hair, you threw on your beret to cover your laziness of hygiene. while brushing your teeth you applied a minimal makeup look. you had no time to fuck around today. blushing up your cheeks to not look like your pale, inches away from death self. adding mascara to your heavy tired eyes, and a hint of gloss to hide your chapped lips. you were ready to go. </p><p>-------------------------</p><p>"sorry! sorry i'm late! stupid alarm didn't go off! it won't happen again" you pleaded and pouted at poe. you were able to swing by fin before heading up, grabbing mr dameron's usual order as a gift of apology. </p><p>he took the coffee from your sweaty palms. "he's through those doors" he exclaimed as he pointed towards the door at the end of the office. tinted glass, so all you could see was a black figure sitting behind it. you gulped. making your way over to the door, your heart rate quickened with each step closer. </p><p>'he's just a man. why are you acting so nervous. it's not like you've ever met the man. he doesn't know anything about you. just smile and give him anything he wants.' you kept repeating in your head. </p><p>as your trembling fingers grasped the door handle, you pulled down and entered. shutting the door behind you before even gazing at him. </p><p>you turned around. there he was. kylo ren, the guy you heard so much yet so little about. his stature was godlike. casually sitting on the grey cast couch, legs a jar, watch peeking out through his suit sleeve. </p><p>you couldn't help but dream. his whole exterior, turned on something deep inside of you. you couldn't pin point what it was; his inexplicably sculpted face? his dark but inviting eyes? his well groomed but rugged hair that his hands moved through as you stared. his hands. that was it. they were bigger than your face. bigger than your waist even.</p><p>you were suddenly snapped out of your utopia. by him looking up and locking eyes with you. </p><p>"oh, uh, aha hello sir, oh, kylo, oh no sorry mr ren" well done. you couldn't even get one fucking sentence out without making a complete fool of yourself. your legs began to shake with humiliation. "my names-"</p><p>and just before you could finish your sentence, he stood. walking his way over to you. backing you up against the panel of the door. his eyes squinted, head tilted to one side. eyes drinking all of you in.</p><p>"cherry, isn't it?' a hushful tone, soft but at the same time dominant fell through his lips. </p><p>fuck. you internally screamed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. an unprofessional surprise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>fuck. fuck. fuck.</p><p>you glared at him, mouth open. swearing time had frozen in place. staring into the embarrassing abyss, you wanted the earth to swallow you whole. how did he know? was he the mystery stranger? he must have been, you would have remembered his angelic face if he was a regular.</p><p>"would you like to close your mouth angel? or do you prefer it open?" his words snapped you out of your chaotic trance. lips pursing back together, you followed his instruction without even muttering a single vowel. the warmth of his body could still be felt as your back was cornered onto the door, you slid past him awkwardly, needing some space, some time to think.</p><p>you spun round to see him still staring at you. never taking his eyes off your figure, just like last night at the plaza.</p><p>"aha, that's not my n-name, you m-must have me mistaken for someone else. did you want me to go grab cherry for you instead?" trying to brush off the initial, honest encounter. what were you thinking? there was no fucking girl called cherry in this whole office. there probably wasn't one single woman called cherry in the whole of new york fucking city.</p><p>he breathed out heavily sliding his hands into his pockets as he did. "is that so?" head tilting for the second time. he knew what he was doing, making you flustered, making you crumble under his words.</p><p>you changed the subject.</p><p>"anyways, mr dameron said i'm dressing you for an annual christmas party? is this a black tie event? casual? fancy dress? haha" you tried to remain professional but still charming at the same time. your feet fidgeting with every option you gave him.</p><p>"black tie" he ordered back to you. he didn't expand, he wasn't much for conversation you initially judged.</p><p>"okay, well should we start with your measurements? and then we can chose a design, cut, fabric and finishing touches together after?" you ordered back to him. showing confidence in your work and exterior. running the measuring tape, through each of your individual fingers. you were more relaxed now, but you still needed something to fiddle with to keep your mind from wandering astray to how much mr ren had already seen of you. you couldn't help but blush, he'd seen all of you. working on that pole, fingers running through your hair, over your breasts, teasing with the lace and ribbon on your underwear. head slowly throwing itself back to expose your neck under the glistening lights, he'd even seen your sensual dance moves, usually reserved for the easy regulars.</p><p>"that sounds like an excellent idea" he paused with an alluring grin, before retracting the sign of emotion. "are you a little hot? you're blushing" as his question left his lips, his hand returned out from his pocket and found its way onto the side of your cheek. it made your breathing purr, his touch felt new but familiar. you became excited with the raw connection. his thumb skimmed the surface of your cheek before leaving you cold. wanting more of him, more of his touch. you started to crave this feeling. a feeling of greed, hunger.</p><p>"oh, uh, no no i'm fine sir. shall we get started?" you become flustered again. practically spitting out your words. he fully had you under his spell. and all he did was graze your cheek. you wondered how you'd react to other parts of your body being caressed that way? you snapped out of it. 'be fucking professional' you hammered through your mind.</p><p>you started measuring his upper body first. conducting it in silence, the awkwardness filled the intimate back room of the fashion house. scribbling down the sizes as you went on, he was larger than the average man. not in an unhealthy way, but in a more, 'god was having a good day when making him' way. his broad shoulders seemed longer than your legs, his arms could easily wrap around your entire body.you were already obsessing over his appearance. 'be professional' you kept repeating in your head, like a child who couldn't sit still while doing their homework.</p><p>you bent down, kneeling, you started to measure his inseam. your heartbeat picked up again as you could see his eyes followed you as you worked your way onto the floor, practically sitting at his feet. you started to measure. 'be professional, be professional'. taking the measurement easily, and hoping to get up from this inconvenient position soon. that didn't seem like the plan he had in mind. as you were focused on your sheet that included all his measurements, you felt the familiar touch of his hand snake under your chin, making your head look up to him.</p><p>"got all the measurements you need angel?" his voice lulled in your head. trying to focus, and ignore his thumb running over your chin now, closing the barrier between his finger and your now quivering bottom lip.</p><p>"uh, y-yes,yes" you blurted back to him. the heat between your thighs returning, just like the evening where you focused on the mystery of who was mr ren? and what commands did he want so desperately obeyed? you pressed your legs together discreetly, trying to quiet the screaming need for attention all of a sudden.</p><p>"yes what?" he commanded back to you, in a harsh and dominant tone.</p><p>"yes sir"</p><p>"good, now be a good girl and open that mouth again" you didn't hesitate. mouth popping open, gazing up at him, you saw him smirk with satisfaction at your willingness to co-operate. his thumb entered you. working its way to the back of your throat, you closed your drooling lips around it. pushing it to and fro in your mouth, you let out a slight moan in response to his thumb moving around in you. his smirk never leaving his face, you enjoyed it. you enjoyed pleasing him, after all that was your job. giving him anything he wanted. and he wanted you.</p><p>your eyes wandered, seeing his heat pushing against his trouser leg, pupils widening at the length. you were pleased with what you saw, your pussy now screaming for more. his finger was a start, but it couldn't satisfy your whole desire for him. now working in two fingers, your eyes rolled to the back of your head. gagging and spilling at the size and pace at which your mouth was taking his digits. you hand found his leg, clutching it for stability. your nails beginning to dig into his calf. he enjoyed you crumbling under him. literally. still sitting in your kneeling position, you opened your legs, your ass now sitting comfortably on the back of your heels. your dress ruffling up your now exposed thighs as you moved.his eyes delighted with how you were presenting yourself to him. you couldn't take the intimacy much longer. using your free hand you moved it to your heat, before you could start rubbing the fabric of your underwear, he removed his fingers from your mouth.</p><p>"did i give you permission to do that angel?" he seemed agitated now. usually aggressive men ordering and questioning your actions wouldn't have you giving two fucks. but this scared you. and what scared you more, was how much you were enjoying the fear.</p><p>"no sir" pouting as you looked up to him. flashing your eyelashes as a sign of apology, his hand extended to help you up off the floor. you gladly accepted. the size of your hand didn't even make up the surface of his palm. no wonder you were gagging on his fingers. his hands were double maybe triple the size of yours. as you rose, your eyes locked with his.</p><p>silence.</p><p>as if nothing happened he jumped into conversation, looking down at his watch as he did. "you have my measurements yes? we'll have to set up another meeting for the other discussions, i'm running late to a work lunch". he started to gather himself together. the heat between your legs never subsiding. it took you a second to comprehend the normalcy in his actions after what just arose.</p><p>"yes, yes that's absolutely fine. i'll set up a schedule with poe, i mean mr dameron" you answered back, not stopping for breath. your mouth dry from the finger fucking it just received. god you needed some water.</p><p>as he was walking out of the door he paused for a second, hand snaking around the door frame with ease. he was as tall as the whole fucking panel. "you know what song has been stuck in my head all day? 'you don't own me' by uhh i think lesley gore? such a classic" and with a quick wink. the door shut. leaving you panting alone in the room.</p><p>way to stay fucking professional.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. private rooms for private eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you didn't move for another five minutes after mr ren left. trying aimlessly to catch your breath and work out the addictive euphoric feeling you experienced under his touch. you slowly calmed yourself back down with some breathing exercises, in and out, in and out. who knew just his presence could affect your body so much. your hands still trembling, you decided to pack away the tape measure and gather the measurement sheet placing it under your arm. you scoped the room out, paranoid that there would be evidence of your sinful actions, a camera maybe? a speaker? nothing. he was already making you insane. flicking off the switch, you left.</p><p>mr dameron was walking your way as you were leaving for the day. "hey doll ! how was he then?" he asked with an intrigue.</p><p>you choked. "how was he? uh- we didn't. OH, yes, well he was intimidating to say the least. more intimidating than you !" you tried to sarcastically throw back at him, knowing for well he sensed something wasn't quite right with you. your eyebrows constantly raised or scrunched, eyes alert, lips creasing at the corners.</p><p>"okay? well, just be careful with him. he's a tough client. last time he needed a suit for an event the fashion girl left straight after the first meeting, never came back. guess some aren't cut out for the way he handles business". he raised the coffee cup to his lips, eyebrows burrowed, looking almost worried for you. you stared at the mocha latte, trying to avoid any eye contact with him, just in case he could read your dirty and pathetic mind.</p><p>"glad to know, well i'm a big girl who can handle herself, but thank you for the heads up. i guess i'll see you bright and early tomorrow?" you wanted to leave this whole conversation as fast as you could. like a sinner at church, you felt wrong inside, you felt as if everybody in the whole damn office had x-ray vision to a private show of what happened behind that tainted glass door.</p><p>"yes. bright and early! don't be late again! otherwise it won't be me who you'll have to deal with" he winked as he walked away from you. did he know? he must have been talking about mr ren? who else would 'teach you a lesson' for being late, a second time. god it made you paranoid. and a part of you loved it.</p><p>------------------------------</p><p>"well hello there" rey smugly spoke as you were entering your apartment. sitting perfectly at the makeshift dining table/kitchen counter she was sipping on more black coffee. but was this time accompanied by some sort of pastry, probably left over from her shift at the diner. yawning as she bit down into it, you joined her, sitting at the opposite end.</p><p>your feet dangled as you hopped onto the chair, curse being the literal size of a smurf. swinging you feet as you sat staring at her. "why hello, how was your shift?" you asked. trying to dodge all personal questions she could fire at you any second. you were hoping she had a bad day at work with a long tiresome story to tell you about another jack-ass regular.</p><p>"oh you know, same old same old. no-one new, no-one special. you okay hun? you're fidgety, how was your second day on the job then? spill it all, don't leave anything out. even tell me when you went to the bathroom. i want to know everything!"</p><p>fuck. no escaping now.</p><p>you gulped as you began. "well it was interesting. i met with my first client today. kylo ren? i'm pretty sure his name is" you knew his fucking name. that was all you were reciting in your head on the train ride back here. trying to seem detached to him, you carried on. "just like any other business man, wanting a new suit for an event, where he probably has a dozen he could wear to it instead. he wasn't much of a talker, probably too busy or thinking he was too prestigious to talk to an intern student who was on the floor measuring his pant length".</p><p>"oh so a typical white cis heterosexual man with too much money then?" rey fired back to you. you loved rey's hatred for men. she was a pure chaotic feminist. she would take you to any feminine poetry night at the diner they had, any rallies and even to her favourite gay bar to show you that the gays know how to have a good night, better than any straights out there. you were always open to the possibility of dating a woman, but the situation never arose. and certainly wouldn't while ren was in the picture constantly until christmas.</p><p>"aha yes, he is a cis white heterosexual man with way too much fucking money and way too little common sense." you wanted a subject change, agreeing with her to just get her to stop inquiring about him. you jumped off of your stool. "well, i better get ready for my shift. this girl never stops working you know" you chuckled back to her. as you walked past to vacation to your bedroom, she slapped your ass.</p><p>"that's my girl ! get that dough baby ! we need to have a proper night out to celebrate your first week at work this weekend ! so do a lil extra dances, i'll work overtime. and we can treat ourselves okay?" she said it like it was a question rather than a command. knowing too well that your anti-social ass would probably be drunk/high friday night whether you liked it or not.</p><p>"you got it baby !" you saluted back to her before entering your room.</p><p>packing your strip bag for your night ahead, you packed the usuals. two sets of heels, two sets of lingerie, makeup, hair curlers, the works. you hated getting all dressed up for greasy men who hardly tipped enough for a minute of your time. but you had to make ends meet somehow. ruffling you hair in the mirror and pouting your lips applying some gloss, you were ready for another night on the pole.</p><p>------------------------------------</p><p>the night was pretty slow. typical for tuesdays. rose was performing, probably racking up the last of the mens money who decided to show up that evening. you were ready to call it a night when the owner walked up to you. hux, as he called himself. was basically the only man who 'owned' you in any way. and you hated it. he took almost half your tips, every-night. when you approached him to discuss new hours due to the surprise of the internship, he only budged a couple of hours less a week. he made you sick almost.</p><p>"hello petal, ready to leave so soon? aw, well someone's requested you for a private dance. so better make yourself useful hadn't we?" his words made your skin crawl. you could sense the smirk in his tone. but you couldn't speak out, otherwise your ass would be on the streets trying to find another strip club to dance in. which was almost impossible when your employer had connections all across the city.</p><p>you put on a fake smile and gave a little gleam to your eyes; "sure thing boss! which room?"</p><p>"3". and with a little caress of your bare shoulder, making you shiver, he left.</p><p>making yourself ready for probably a very uneventful hour of your life, you adjusted your lingerie set. trying to maximise the very small assets you were born with. thank god for push up bras. you were wearing your favourite pair, a lacy red bra and panties with black accents. your shoes making you at least 5 inches taller than your usual hobbit self, where all black also. complimenting your set nicely. a pro of 'working' in fashion. you knew how to look like a stripper with taste and not one who wears fucking neon.</p><p>you approached door 3, head a little fuzzy from the vodka shot you poured to calm your nerves. you were a confident woman but private dances always made you shit your pants. the sensual intimacy between you and the customer. the silence, or the talking? there were no cameras because hux took budget cuts, which also made your heart fill with dread and paranoia.</p><p>fuck it. you entered.</p><p>as you closed the door behind you, an oddly familiar feeling caressed your nerves. you spun around. figure stopping as you locked eyes with who you'd be paid to spend an hour dancing and teasing for.</p><p>it was him. he was here again. what did he want from you. why did he want you?</p><p>sitting comfortably on the velvet, legs spread apart, one arm stretched across the back of the couch and the other resting on the arm, he looked as if he was patiently waiting for you all this time.</p><p>"w-what are you?" you spilled out the only words that could leave your mouth in the fearful but satisfying surprise.</p><p>"doing here?" he finished off your pathetic excuse for a sentence. "well angel, i've had a long day and couldn't stop thinking about our little interaction earlier. so i thought i'd come pay my favourite little cherry a visit" his words melted you, an aching heat started to rise between your legs. you were his favourite little cherry. you couldn't help but blush at his words, knowing he'd take clear satisfaction in the way he made you react.</p><p>you slowly started to walk over to him, like you were tranced by his voice. you had no power over your movements, you only knew you wanted to be closer to him. feel his warmth over every inch of your skin, his hands wandering to places you'd never been touched before.</p><p>he widened his legs even more, inviting you to dance between them. the music lulling your heartbeats in sync. cigarettes after sex, really know how to set the mood. and you were definitely in one hell of a mood. you begun by teasing him, facing away from him so your back and ass were exposed to his front, carefully caressing his inner thighs with your ass just enough to make him wanting more of you. playing with your hair as you did so, showing off your neck which was glistening under the dim addictive rouge lights. you felt the touch of a single digit running up and down along your side, drawing an outline around your panties as you got closer and more confident. you paused, head turning around to see his delectable and ravished face, already biting his lip at the meal that was entertaining him.</p><p>"did i say you could touch me sir, you know i could get you kicked out for inappropriate behaviour?" <br/>you pouted and teased to him. making sure he knew who was in control, this was your work, your environment, you called the shots. or so you thought. until his large hand and forearm snaked around your waist dragging you to sit between his legs, already feeling his heat pressing against your ass.</p><p>"oh angel, i think we both know you don't want me to leave. you know you've been craving more since this morning. don't be afraid i feel it too." his words sounded like pure ecstasy hitting your ear drums, your head fell back onto his shoulder letting out a small sigh as you did so. you felt his other hand start to caress your thigh, waiting for an invitation to venture further. you spread your legs wider, giving him the yes. his digits started to tease at the fabric to your laced underwear, slipping one finger between the fabric and skin, rubbing it back and forth. your heart rate quickened. <br/>you suddenly realised you'd never been fingered before. <br/>only you had, had the pleasure of releasing that feeling, and now your somewhat employer, would be taking that delight for you. you were ready and more than happy to have his fingers eat you up. before you could over think anymore, two fingers teased with your clit, rubbing small and slow circles along with the beat of the music. you gasped at the sudden foreign sensation you were feeling.</p><p>"don't worry angel, i know what i'm doing" his words relaxed you, comforted you even. you felt safe, completely exposed to his touch and control. you shuddered and fell even further into his shoulder.</p><p>his hands worked around your clit for a while longer before teasing your entrance, rubbing up and down, warming and opening you up to him. he slipped in two fingers, you gasped followed by a moan, escaping the corners of your mouth so freely it could not be stopped. his pace was slow and comfortable, working you to fit him. as you were falling under his strokes of pure gold, you felt his lips latch onto the side of your neck. a rush of adrenaline hit your head with full force, reacting to the nips and bites he was leaving with his teeth. that was going to leave a mark in the morning, you thought. as he became more aggressive, the pace quickened, he knew you were close. like the climb before the decent on a rollercoaster you were ready to let the fireworks in your pussy explode. your breathing became inconsistent, moans left your mouth without second thoughts as to if anyone in the club could here. you needed this satisfaction, this tense feeling that built up in your stomach all day long. it needed to be worked out.</p><p>"come for me, my little cherry" he whispered into your ear. and without a second spared, his words acted as a switch. you came, clenching around his fingers, your cheek now resting and letting out heavy pants onto his shoulder. come dripping down his digits. you shuddered as he still worked your pussy, helping you ride out your orgasm, before pulling out, leaving you with an absence and ache for more. he raised his fingers to your lips. you didn't need a command for what he wanted you to do, your lips wrapped themselves around his digits, sucking them perfectly clean. he chuckled under his breath, you could sense the sinister smirk on his face. you got up, adjusting yourself and your panties that seemed to now be passed below your kneecaps.</p><p>he stood, walking to the door, you trailed behind him like a pet on a leash. he slipped five hundred dollar bills into your bra, grazing your nipple with his finger as he did so. you stayed silent, accepting your good work, you felt praise and fulfilment. that only he could make you feel.</p><p>"see you tomorrow angel, bright and early remember? don't want to be late again, otherwise i might have to teach you a little lesson" and with a quick wink and a smirk he was gone, leaving you once again, panting and thirsty in another empty room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. sleepless shifts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you couldn't sleep that night. a part of the reason was because living in a run down apartment in the middle of new york meant your windows weren't really equipped with the latest noise cancelling glass. your window still not fixed, so the duct tape covering the frame of wood was your only protection from the consistent noise of constant traffic, yelling of strangers and permeating rain. you tossed and turned. switching from the warm side to the cool side with an annoyance.</p><p>him. he was the other reason why you found it so hard to drift off into a sense of nothingness. the way his voice made you fear his actions and at the same time provided you with an invisible shelter of warmth and protection. the way his fingers caressed your skin with such ease, like he knew the road map of your body without even having to look. even his smell was permanently dangling in front of your nose. the coarse of leather, providing the dominant exterior he gave off while under was the scent of burning, a suffocating, intoxicating addictive smell of fire. it was like your own drug. you wanted more of it. your mind flipped through the events of your evening.making you come just with his fingers, idly grazing at your clit before sinking into you, causing you to uncontrollably moan. you felt embarrassed when leaving room three after a couple of minutes of calming yourself down. thinking everybody in the vicinity of that plaza heard the way he made you scream and pine for more. luckily they didn't. kylo was on your mind, and there was no way you were sleeping tonight. </p><p>you ached as you got up off your mattress, grabbing your phone, the light burning your eyes, the time read 4 am. you had a couple more hours before having to face him again. you wrapped your blanket around your body, hands grazing at your nightstand, pulling it open, rummaging around until your finger tips felt the lighter you were wanting and a joint that you always rolled for sleepless nights like these. leaving your room, you were startled to see rey sitting once again at the counter top with some type of food. it was too dark to see what it was, but definitely knowing the smell was from the diner. </p><p>"can't sleep hun?" she said as she chewed on her food. you could sense the tiredness in her voice. you didn't know how she did it. working night shifts so effortlessly, getting hit on by truckers left, right and centre when knowing for well all she wanted was some pussy and her bed. </p><p>"not a wink. i was gonna go smoke if you wanted?" you oddly wanted a companion. smoking with rey was better than smoking alone. maybe because you'd been sneaking out to roll joints since you were young with her in california. you felt safe with her, you'd had a few bad times before, but she wasn't the type of person to make you freak out even more. she looked after you in a way no-one ever could. always grabbing you water when your mouth was constantly dry, a bucket usually, and some form of munchie. your recent favourite was the combination of chips and some form of melted cheese? you knew your waistline would regret it in the morning but you couldn't help yourself because it tasted so fucking good. </p><p>"don't have to ask me twice" she quickly jumped off her stool and walked towards you. opening your arm so she could come under the blanket with you, you both headed to the fire escape. while rey was lifting the window, you lit the joint. following her out, you both resumed the position of snuggling under the blanket. passing it between you both, you smoked in silence. taking in the city lights, the drowning noise and twinkle of what you thought were stars but could have possibly been a plane or two. </p><p>"what's with the lack of sleep then? bad dreams again? or something else?" rey knew you better than anyone else. bad dreams had been filling your mind since you were a child. the same constant dreams leaving you sweating, crying and shivering. you could never remember the actual events of them, but the feeling of isolation and emptiness was always left lingering over you. most nights when these would terrorise your sleep, rey would always come in and guide you back to normalcy, helping you with your breathing, playing with your hair to calm you down, she'd sleep with you till morning. just to make sure you were safe. </p><p>"nothing. i don't know, well there was an incident at work but... i don't want to talk about it right now? is that okay?" you felt guilty not telling rey about your encounter with him. you'd usually spill all the details when someone gave you their phone number or asked you out for coffee. but something was stopping you from telling her about this one man. </p><p>"that's okay hun, maybe in time?" she stroked your back in slow circles as she accepted your closed off comment. resting your head on her shoulder, you both stayed there for a while longer. feet dangling off the side of the stairs, both encased in each others body heats, your eyes drooping and the familiar craving for food filling up your thoughts and stomach. </p><p>"come on, i'm fucking starving" you moaned to her. pouting and pulling her arm to accompany you to the kitchen. she sighed and followed your needy, baked self. </p><p>you both sat there till dawn, munching on whatever was left in your cupboards and fridge. it was only wednesday but you both hated grocery shopping and usually ate at work or grabbed something on the way home. never really making or learning how to cook your own meals. you settled for some flaming hot cheetos, whipped cream and a banana? probably the weirdest craving you've had so far. rey finishing off what you could see clearly as a burger and fries from mo's. curse you for being a vegetarian. meat cravings were a real thing, and when you were high, they were a pain in your fucking ass. cleaning her dish and putting you empty bag of chips in the garbage, she kissed the top of your forehead. a sign of 'goodnight' before heading to her room and shutting the door behind her. </p><p>that was your queue to finally start getting ready for work. you forgot to lie out your outfit last night but had plenty of time to ponder over what to wear this morning. finally choosing a pair of black jeans ripped in the knee, a mustard coloured jumper that was easily tucked into your pants and a belt to synch in whatever waist you had left. accessorising with your same old commando boots and a black velveted choker you were almost ready to hit the winter air. you checked the time. you had an hour, it only took half that to get there. thinking why not try some eyeliner today, you begrudgingly picked up the bottle and slowing applied the wings to your eyes. good job? both looked somewhat equal and you didn't poke yourself in the eye with the wand. touching up last nights curls with a bit of hairspray, you picked up your self-embroidered tote and walked out the door. </p><p>------------------------------</p><p>ten minutes early. you walked to the coffee house, walking straight up to the desk you smiled as you saw your favourite barista boy. fin. looking sleepy as he must have got handed the morning shift, you reached across the counter to give him a kiss on the cheek, which he kindly accepted. </p><p>"well isn't someone on time this morning! what can i get you honey" sarcastically hitting you with a low blow you couldn't help but chuckle. he did have a point. he knew if you were late, you always came down at lunch looking angry and caffeine with-drawled. </p><p>"touche, touche. ummm can i get a latte and a coffee, black" you hesitated with the last order. but if you were early, you might as well grab a gift for the man who made your night worth it. you decided to go for black coffee, he gave off that 'black like the colour of my soul' vibe, so you went with your gut. </p><p>fin raised his eyebrow at the last drink but didn't comment. turning and whipping up your two drinks without a second thought, they were ready before you could even grab your purse out of your bag. you went to hand him ten bucks but he pushed it back at you. looking confused you glared at him. </p><p>"on the house for my favourite intern! come on, you're early for once! you should really be getting a full parade, but free coffee will have to do my sweet!" he jokingly amused you, which was kindly accepted for how early it was and the lack of sleep that must have been obvious from the heavy bags the drooped under your eyelids. </p><p>"wow! it was ONE TIME! but thank you" you grazed his arm as a form of payment before slipping the money into the empty tips jar. you winked as you walked away from him, now dreading the day you were about to have. </p><p>-------------------------</p><p>the meeting with ren was going somewhat casually. both sitting, alone in the back room of the fashion house. flicking between patterns for the inside of his suit jacket and pockets. you couldn't help but smile at the lack of interest he was giving you. he seemed more interested on his coffee than the reason he was here. bringing the lid to his lips you couldn't help but stare, his lips soft and parted, you saw the way his neck moved up and down with every gulp. wishing you could taste him for yourself. </p><p>"cherry?" you were snapped out of it by him staring at you. he must have caught you basically drooling over the mundane activity he was carrying out. </p><p>"don't call me that here! its unprofessional, now would you like a plaid in -" you couldn't help but yawn midway through your sentence. you were exhausted. the comedown of your high hitting you hard, trying to pull you into a void of sleepiness. you tried to stay alert and awake. repeating to yourself that it was time to work,  and that you could sleep as much as you wanted when home, thankfully you had wednesday nights off. </p><p>"you're tired angel. did you need a nap?" he pushed a strand of hair dangling and tickling your nose, away from your face. tucking it behind your ear, and trailing his palm along the side of your cheek effortlessly after. he left it there. caressing your face with his thumb, moving it over your now closed eyes, it felt like an invitation to sink into a slumber right there. you pulled away. </p><p>"no, no, i can't. believe me i want to but we have work to do!" you looked back down at the sample materials on your lap, trying to chose between a plaid or a satin for the pockets inside. before you could pick them both up to question, he took them away from you. placing them onto the floor, he got up and locked the door. this sensation felt oddly familiar, but you were too tired to act upon it. with your surprise he sat back down, and ushered your body to fall onto his, you head being pulled to lean against his thighs and your feet curling up onto the couch. you felt his hand start to stroke your hair and with the other brush the dip in your back, running circles with his palm over your ass in a soothing way. it was enough for you to let out a small moan before falling instantly asleep under his touch. </p><p>"sleep tight angel" you heard his deep and commanding words fly next to your ear in a whisper.</p><p>-------------------</p><p>you woke to the coldness of an empty couch, he'd gone. could you blame him? your unattractiveness while sleeping that included drooling and snoring probably scared him off. your hand hanging off the side, you rubbed your eyes with it to see clearly. before scrunching your nose at the black writing that was left on your palm. squinting to read, as you were still in a state of tiredness it read: </p><p>sorry had another meeting to attend. i think we should go for the satin, black for the inside. here's my number, text me your address and be ready for eight</p><p>kylo. </p><p>you couldn't help but let out a small squeal like a young teenager in love, who had just received an invite to the prom by a senior. you didn't think twice before putting his number into your phone, you went to text him but stopped. what do you say? how do you say yes when what he was asking wasn't really a question but more of a command? you typed; </p><p>eight is perfect, i'll be waiting.  attaching your address along with the message you hit send. not thinking he would reply back but show up outside your building later that evening anyways. </p><p>you got up, picking up the sample material from the floor in which he left them, wriggling your shoes back onto your feet you headed for the door. clutching at the handle, your phone vibrated, it was him. </p><p>good, wear something elegant, i'll see you soon angel</p><p>you couldn't help but smile, flicking off the light as you left. your mind wandered as to where he was taking you that required a little more effort than jeans and a sweater. wherever it was you were more than happy to go, as long as you were with him.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. dinner & diatribes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you practically skipped back to your apartment after finishing the last tasks poe gave you for the day. a typical coffee run, spilling to fin about a cheeky date you were having later, not telling him who or where you would be taken out. the material room was practically a mess so you were charged with making it look somewhat presentable for the sewers to start working on kylo's suit and your daily catch up with poe to make sure you were settling in okay and nothing was getting to overwhelming.</p><p>you loved your job. it may be an internship and paid you close to nothing but it was what you have been dreaming about since you could draw. the little sketches on any surface your small hands could run a crayon over and the endless play dates with rey dressing her up in the newest creation you made. you didn't want it to end. but the internships expiry date was some time in the new year. unless you impressed them enough to keep you on full time, in which you could finally be able to say goodbye to your night shifts at the plaza and get at least an 8 hour sleep.</p><p>running up to the apartment, you could hear reys snores before even getting to your door handle. barging in, dropping all your bags where you stood, you started to panic. something elegant, something elegant. fuck. you were a stripper for fuck sake. elegant and regal wasn't really your go to. but you were sure to find something in your closet or maybe 'borrow' from rey's.</p><p>rummaging in the smallest closet you have ever seen in the world, hands running past fabrics and fabrics, until your fingertips skimmed over something with a satin texture. you almost forgot. you always had a backup black dress in times of need. which hadn't come to use until tonight. it hung low on your body, back exposed and a slit trailing to the top of your left thigh. this was the one. your boy wanted elegant, he's got it.</p><p>you must have woken rey up in your anxiety filled terror as she came barging into your room, still bundled up in her duvet cover, hair a mess, eyeliner smudged on her face.</p><p>"what the fuck is all the noise for? beauty sleep only works if you actually sleep!" she shouted in a tone that you couldn't help but laugh at.</p><p>she was practically stamping her feet on the hard wood floor before falling flat on her face onto your mattress. "ouch, you really need to invest in a bed frame. the hobo vibe isn't the one" you could hear her muffling through the sheets.</p><p>"i know, i know. and as for the noise, i may or may not have a small date with a client tonight"</p><p>that was enough for her to gain full consciousness and grab your shoulders tightly like she was about to be pulled into the floorboards.</p><p>"oh, my god! tell me more! are they hot? well they must be, you've been so frigid up until now! not saying that's a bad thing or anything." she was rambling, you were sensitive about your lack of experience and she knew this. you zoned out to her words, what if this was the night? what if he didn't want you because you hadn't before? did he just think you were easy because you worked in a strip joint? your mind was being overrun with fear and paranoia. you pushed that feeling deep down, took a deep breath and told rey everything.</p><p>"woah, that was-" she didn't know what to say. for someone who never knew how to shut the fuck up in any scenario, she was practically silent.</p><p>"a lot? yeah, now can you please help me get ready? i'm already nervous because i have no idea where he's taking me or what we are even doing, i don't need you freaking out on me too!" you were practically tearing up in her arms. you were too sensitive for this, what if it was just a quick fuck? your heart couldn't handle that.</p><p>"hey, look at me doll. it's going to fine, you'll have a great time wherever you're going okay?,now sit down and i'll do your hair. don't want to lie to you but you always miss the back pieces!" she chuckled as she was combing through your locks. you gave her an elbow to the side for that snarky but quite right comment.</p><p>finishing off your makeup, rey ushered you to lift your arms up as she helped you into your dress. you forgot it hugged your curves, which were now making you more self conscious than ever. this feeling was different from the dread at the plaza, you didn't care about the men there. putting on your small sets of lingerie for money, not thinking about what thoughts were running through their rabid minds. but this time you were dressing up for someone. you were dressing up for him.</p><p>staring in the mirror caressing your body, constantly turning around to see how it lay on your back. the slit came just to the entrance of your inner upper thigh, and the back just resting above the dip before your ass. your nipples slightly poking through the fabric, glistening under the reflection of the light. you paired the dress with your same velvet choker resting above your collarbone, and silver heels that you could hardly walk in and almost every time gave you blisters. you would have believed becoming a stripper gave you perfect balance, but in reality it was the exact opposite.</p><p>it was eight.you were practically shitting yourself, but you went down to the lobby after kissing rey for good luck. checking your phone time constantly, he was late. <br/>—————————-<br/>8:03pm (anytime after 8, you recognised as late)</p><p>before you had time to turn back around in anger and fear, you heard the rev of an engine come to a halt. he was here. opening the lobby door you walked out into the cold crisp winter air of the city. he was already waiting outside the door of his porsche. a smirk was found upon his face practically from ear to ear. you guessed your dress fit his brief. his choice of outfit pleased you also, a regular work tux was now accompanied with a bow tie. it made him look dapper, which only made you tremble with lust more.</p><p>"late are we? did i in fact need to teach you a lesson?" you giggled, trying to lighten the air between you two. he could sense your stiffness.</p><p>"oh i hope not, don't want to ruin your pretty little dress now do we?" he winked at you before snaking his hand to your lower back, ushering you into the passenger seat of the car.</p><p>"so are you going to tell me where we're going?" you turned to him eager, maybe too eager. a glisten in your eyes, and he could sense your excitement.</p><p>"it's a surprise angel" he passed you another wink, before pulling away. you couldn't help but stare at those hands. gripping the steering wheel tightly with one, while the other resting on his thigh. you wished he'd make the first move, but you were feeling brave. maybe the vodka shot that rey made you down before leaving fueled it. you grabbed his hand, grazing on your thigh and leaving it there.</p><p>he looked at you in shock, he smiled. you moved your hand away from his and felt him tighten around your thigh. moving up and down, the heat pooled between your legs once again. sinking back into the seat you let your head turn to the window, watching the lights pass you by.</p><p>the buildings suddenly stopped moving, you were in what you could sense was an apartment complex? why would he take you to an apartment complex? suddenly you realised it was his you were going to.</p><p>"we're here" he startled you with his words, before exiting and coming to open the door for you. slinking your body out of the car you took his hand in which he was holding out to offer you. <br/>you stared up at the complex, gobsmacked at how an apartment block could look this nice. still holding onto your hand, he slowly stroked it as a sign to follow him in. <br/>——————-<br/>reaching his door which was located on the top floor, not to your surprise. you entered before him, nervous to see what his personal life looked like. it was dark but you could sense the mass of space he held. floor length windows that overlooked the skyline, you could see the empire state was dead centre in the middle of his view. everything was furnished with black,black kitchen, black couch, everything. <br/>you were sort of attracted to the way he was living. it definitely faired better than your scruffy apartment with a lack of central heating, mouldy walls and broken windows. snapping back into reality his hand met your waist ushering you to sit on the couch and handing you a glass of wine, which he must have poured while you were dreaming over his interior. you obeyed.</p><p>"i thought that with your constant shifts at the plaza and your internship, you never got a home cooked meal" he read your mind perfectly, practically drooling at his words. you sighed in agreement.</p><p>"you would stand corrected sir" your glass hit your lips in a seductive manner. was he going to cook for you? you felt warm inside. suddenly you felt cared for by a man you were obsessed over but still knew little about.</p><p>"well tonight's your lucky night my little cherry. why don't i rustle something up?" he caressed your thigh before getting up and walking to the kitchen. you couldn't help but follow him, eager to know what he had in store for you.</p><p>"why did you want me to dress elegant if all you were doing was making me dinner?" you were teasing with him but were sort of annoyed that you were stressing over what to wear for a dinner and wine evening.</p><p>"i like when you put on a show for me angel, i hope fettuccini alfredo will suffice" your mind and stomach now won over. you had a man sculpted by the hands of god cooking for you while enjoying the effort you put in for him. what else could you ask for?</p><p>you watched him eagerly, stirring the pasta in the pan, slowly adding the cheese and other seasonings as he went along. distracting you with conversations about his work and questions about your internship, you were fixated upon him. how comfortable he looked at home, the tenseness in his shoulders gone, the stern grimace that was permanently on his face while you worked disappeared. before you could analyse his motion anymore a plate fell in front of your face.</p><p>"dinner is served angel" his signature wink making you melt. <br/>you twirled you're fork around your meal before sinking it into your mouth, humming at how the heat warmed your tongue and soothed the back of your throat as it sunk deeper into you.</p><p>kylo was staring at you the whole time you were eating, eyes never leaving your face. as soon as you finished your meal he took the plate away from you, placing it into the sink he turned back and walked towards you. his body heat got closer to yours, you felt uneasy. you didn't know if that was due to the copious amount of food you just ate or the suspense of his next action. pushing your back up against the kitchen counter, and spreading your legs wider apart with his hands, he leaned in and whispered in your ear.</p><p>"are you ready for dessert?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. empty rooms and unanswered questions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>before you could answer his question, his lips attacked yours. they were just how you imagined them to be, soft and gentle, but still overpowering. the way his upper lip engulfed yours, claiming it under it's control, you couldn't help but let out a small moan in satisfaction. his tongue now grazing the line of your teeth, pleading for access, for your warmth. you accepted the invitation. his tongue collided with yours, now like you were playing jump rope in each others mouths, you could feel his heavy breaths on your face and you were sure he could feel yours back. </p><p>with one swift motion he pulled you up onto the counter, slotting himself between your thighs. even though you were on a higher surface than him, he still practically towered over you. he was intimidating, and it turned you on. you decided to wrap your legs around him, pulling him closer to your heat that was practically begging for attention. you could feel his warmth against the side of your thigh. all of a sudden this was becoming too much, too real, too fast. you stopped, pulling away. he stared at you, sudden shock entering his face, he was perplexed at your unexpected action. </p><p>"is everything alright angel?" he grazed the side of your cheek with his thumb, pushing back the loose curls as he continued. he looked caring? like he believed he hurt you in some way. you were shitting yourself. how were you supposed to tell this pure god, that you were a virgin. that was practically suicide right? surely he'd freak out? tell you to leave. find another intern to fulfil his suit designing wishes. you took a deep breath. </p><p>"sorry, i just have never..well" you gazed up at him pouting, the kitchen lights hanging above your head acted as a spotlight for your confession. your palms began to clam up, thighs fidgeting away from his touch. you felt embarrassed. almost guilty. </p><p>"you've never had sex?" he looked completely fine, maybe more curious than angry. maybe he was different? maybe he really didn't care? you shook your head as a return comment, feeling as if you spoke back you'd practically puke up the carbs you just devoured. he let out a slight chuckle at your admission. </p><p>"oh my cherry, that just makes me want you even more". that sinister smirk entered your peripherals once again, you couldn't help bite your lip at his comment. he took that with pleasure. resuming his lips on yours, more heavy this time, more dominating, like he wanted to taste all of you, in that exact moment. he's fingers gripping the sides of you waist, dragging your ass closer to his chest, your thighs wrapped around him once again. before you could enjoy the taste of him back, his mouth moved down to your jaw, trailing and grazing your neck. that was the only familiar feeling you had of him, from the night in the plaza. his lips sucking and nipping at your neck, it felt like the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. it felt completely perfect. you couldn't help but arch your back away from him, moaning to and fro as his mouth kept attacking your jugular. </p><p> </p><p>without even feeling the difference in pressure, kylo was now carrying you. you felt weightless in his arms (maybe those few extra pounds you gained really didn't matter after all). he wasn't struggling but showing his strength to you effortlessly. guiding you both in the dark, never leaving your neck alone,  he acted like a puppy with a new toy. he kicked upon his bedroom door and carefully placed you down onto the stygian sheets. your heart began to race. you knew where this night was leading to and you couldn't help but become lustfully eager for it to finally begin. his hands met the end of your dress, pulling it up above your waist, exposing the lack of underwear you decided to choose for the evening. he glared back up at your face, where you were casually biting a nail in anticipation at his reaction to the surprise lack of material. </p><p>"who's already being a naughty girl for me?" his palm resting, pushing down on your sobbing heat, you gasped at the new sensation you were finally feeling. </p><p>"m-me sir" you stuttered as you spoke, anxious at his every move. and you wouldn't admit it but fear also ran through your veins, you felt way in over your head. but you knew what you were doing, you accepted the invitation, wearing a dress with no panties. you  felt the need, the desire, to be fucked raw by him. it was just a matter of time. </p><p>he started to rub your clit hard, making you cry out in pure ecstasy, you didn't know how but you were already so close, maybe your lack of experience made you falter so quickly. kylo could sense you were nearly over the edge, he pulled away. teasing with you. </p><p>"naughty girls don't get to come, not til daddy's been inside them" his words muffled through the deafening emotions that were swiftly filling your mind. </p><p>"please, i was so close. please daddy" something triggered him when the last word left your lips, a glint in his eye and a smirk told you all you needed to know.</p><p>as the waves of heat were building low in your abdomen, kylo resumed a steady but upbeat rhythm with his fingers, massaging circles on your clit. the release building up again quickly. </p><p>"ky, i'm going to..oh" in that moment you came undone. euphoria making your head spin, the ceiling rotating clockwise, your eyes not being able to fixate on anything. </p><p>before being able to come down from your high, you heard the zipper of his pants being pulled down. with your breath not even being caught and no warning given. kylo began pounding into you. crying out in a mixture between pleasure and pain you hooked your legs around his waist, trying desperately to accompany for his length. moans getting louder and louder with each thrust. you started to feel yourself unravel again, this man was surely a god. </p><p>"come again for me angel. i want to feel you drip down my cock" he was heavy panting after every word, he must have been close too. </p><p>the husk of his voice acted as the floodgate. thighs beginning to shake with the immense pressure, hands and fingernails digging into the shirt that was still on his sweaty body and a broken moan riding you into oblivion. your neck launching backwards, and a free hand felt being wrapping around your airway. the lack of air being felt as he squeezed and fucked you through his own release also. </p><p>he lay down next to you, both panting, utterly exhausted from the mixture of work and pure bliss. the scent of sex filling the room, your chest was rising up and down at a quickened pace, trying to distract you from the hole you surely thought his cock ripped into you. your legs already beginning to ache, and hands trembling from the physical aggression released just moments earlier. you'd feel all this, times ten, in the morning, you thought to yourself. </p><p>you turned your head to see kylo's eyes completely shut, breathing through his nostrils, maintaining a silence as he did so. you couldn't help but dream about waking up to that face. the way his nose was so prominent, being the first thing your eyes latched onto. your finger went to trail it, admiring its outwardness. you got halfway down the bridge before his hand grabbed at your wrist. his eyes shot open, looking at you dazed for a second. lips pursed like he was about to confess something. you waited eagerly. </p><p>he got up off the bed. </p><p>pulling his pants on with little effort, he didn't turn around to look at the state in which he left you. just his neck, turning over his shoulder slightly. </p><p>"you should clean yourself up, bathrooms through there" he pointed behind you, his voice back to being mundane. just as you were about to thank him, he walked out of the room. closing the door behind him.a message was calling out not to follow. you sat on the edge of the bed for a couple of minutes, trying to recall the events of the night to which where you majorly fucked up in order for him to give you the cold shoulder. you couldn't place just one. you were so critical. was it your moaning? the fact you didn't suck him off? how you didn't give him eye contact? you were paranoid at his lack of after affection. </p><p>a few tears began to well up in your eyes as you walked your way over to the bathroom. what was it about him and leaving you in empty rooms? what was he hiding?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. nightmarish rewards</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the cold water hit your face with a startling awakening. you were still cleaning yourself up in his master bathroom. come still dripping down your thighs. mascara well and truly demolished, and the curls in your hair were no longer in tact. you kept going over the nights events, your mind always fast-forwarding to see his feet walk out of the room, leaving you empty and alone after your first time. the duality in the way he treated you was making you even more confused about your feelings toward him. the one kylo you knew made you dinner and let you rest on his lap after a sleepless night thinking solely about him. while the other was aggressive and inconsiderate, making you fuck his fingers in your place of work and leaving you in pain after destroying your pussy. conflict. all you felt was conflict and you knew it couldn't be resolved over a cup of coffee and a sweet danish.</p><p>drying your hands on the towel beside you and dabbing your wet face with the other end, you brushed your fingers through your hair and removed the stained mascara from under your water line. making sure you didn't look as if you'd just been crying in his bathroom for ten minutes straight, you walked out. with every step you winced in pure agony. you were pleased with your first time even though walking tomorrow felt out of the question. </p><p>what girl could say she came twice during her first time? she'd be lucky if she even reached one. you chuckled as you waddled towards the door leading to the living room. before you could reach the handle, you sensed it move. you backed up, the handle moving downwards and his tall figure filled the door frame. your eyes slowly looked up at him, nervous as to what he was going to say or even do. to your surprise he walked straight past you, disappearing once more into his closet. you were starting to get agitated. he fucked you and now was acting as if you were some sort of ghost?! he came back out after a few seconds, holding a piece of dark fabric in his hands, he lifted it up for you to take. </p><p>"i figured you didn't bring anything to sleep in so" he yawned as he offered you one of his leisurely t shirts. you gratefully accepted it, you giggled to yourself. you couldn't imagine him in anything other than fancy custom made suits. seeing him in sweats might just send your heart into cardiac arrest. </p><p>"oh, you want me to stay? thank you" you were shocked that you'd be spending the night. dressing for dinner you thought he'd drive you home before giving you a goodbye kiss. boy did you get more than that goodnights kiss. </p><p>stripping where you stood, seeing his eyes drink you in, you pulled the head hole over yours. his t shirt was practically a dress on you. hanging just below your knees, you felt like a child in oversized clothing. it was more comfortable than all your clothes combined and smelled like him. you never wanted to take it off. shuffling your feet to and fro, nervous for his next words you stood awkwardly. again, he didn't speak, only walking over to his bed and opening the covers, signalling with his hand for you to get in. you obeyed. </p><p>"fuck so this is what a bed is supposed to feel like?" it was like falling onto a cloud. it beat your mattress on the floor in any round. your back relaxed with ease, not feeling as tense as usual, you wriggled around like a child getting comfortable. you couldn't help but let out a small sigh in satisfaction. the silk encompassing you into a state of pure bliss. you never wanted to leave. </p><p>you could see him walk around to the other side, casually stripping just as you did. he was left in nothing but his underwear. your heart beat picked up, he was fighting with the covers but never sliding in next to you. your breath panting, you were about to sleep next to him. feel his body heat in a first non-sexual way. i wonder if he's a snorer? big spoon? little spoon? your mind was running around with impatience. your heart sunk. he picked up the blanket that was draped over the duvet cover. walking his way round to you again, he placed a kiss onto your forehead before stroking your cheek. </p><p>"i'll take the couch. sweet dreams angel" and with that last comment he was gone again. you stared at him, practically screaming with your eyes at him to stay and keep you company. he switched the light off with a casual flick and shut you in on the darkness. </p><p>"goodnight" you whispered into the solitude of blackness that was encasing all around you. a single tear left your eye, falling onto the case of the pillow. you sunk your head into the pillow, shutting your eyes in frustration, and finally drifted off into a sleep.  </p><p>-----------------------------------</p><p>you were awoken by kylo violently shaking your body. your eyes opening to his startled and frantic looking expression. you felt the familiar sweat trickling down your neck and chest, breathing shaky and inconsistent, hands and legs trembling with a lack of control and the tears streaming from your lids without warning. you had another nightmare. only this time it was much worse, the normal feeling of fear and isolation wasn't leaving, even after coming up from your horrors. you startled to blink uncontrollably, palms meeting your face, hiding your terror from him in an embarrassment. </p><p>"what's wrong angel? what happened? what can i do?" he was panting with every question. he seemed genuinely concerned for you. his large hands stroking up and down both of your arms, trying to shush you with his lulling voice. you took your head out between your hands and wrapped your arms around him, not giving any warning, you both fell back onto the bed. you now on top of him, sobbing in trepidation. you could feel his arms envelop around you. your breathing began to slow with the feeling of warmth against your skin. </p><p>"i-i don't k-know, just another nightmare" you whispered into his shoulder, never letting go of him, scared that if you did, he'd just be another figment of your imagination inside a twisted dream. you felt him caress your lower back, resting his hands on your ass, squeezing gently as a sign of comfort. </p><p>"its okay, i'm here now. you're safe, you don't have to cry anymore. nothings hurting you" his voice was guiding you back to normalcy. with every word came a shush in between, trying to calm you down and away from your wailing. he kissed the side of your cheek, leaving his face there. you felt his nose press up against the side of your face, his breathing ricocheting off. you let out a sigh, gathering your breathing together, you sat up, still straddling his body. your hand went through pushing the wet strands of sweat infused hair out of your face. </p><p>"i'm s-sorry, i get these nightmares. i never remember any of the events in them but i just get left with a overriding feeling of loss and dread" you rubbed your eyes, trying to refocus your whereabouts. you felt his hands graze and sit on both sides of your waist, thumb caressing your skin as he did so. </p><p>"hey, hey look at me. it's okay, it's just a bad dream, they can't hurt you. oh angel, you look exhausted" he was showing genuine concern. you felt conflicted once again but pushed down your arrogance and accepted his sympathy. his thumbs still running under the t shirt, his skin on your skin was enough to bring you back into reality. </p><p>"i am fucking exhausted ky" maybe a little bit of arrogance wasn't playing ball. you were expecting him to be mad at the way you spoke to him, but in return you heard a slight chuckle prise from his mouth. </p><p>"come on, lets get you back into bed huh? its nearly 4 am, the sun will be up soon and then there's no hope for sleep. don't need you using our consultation time as another time out nap again do we?" he was trying to cheer you up, practically carrying you round the right way, he pulled the duvet back over you. he leaned in to kiss your lips, they were still soft, wet, full of reassurance and security. he was about to leave when you reached out and grabbed his wrist. </p><p>"don't go. i don't want to be left alone again" a pout accompanied with some doe eyes, he sighed. and accepted your entreatment. walking round to his side of the bed, he waded in. you could feel his warmth straight away. and then a hand met your waist pulling you in. his head resting and brushing up against your shoulder. the familiar breath was felt against your neck, lulling you into a state between sleep and consciousness. </p><p>"lets call off work tomorrow and just sleep?" you called out into the abyss of dark, now covering both of you. a sense of begging accompanied your comment. pushing your ass further into his torso. you knew what you were doing, and he knew it to. the chuckle left his lips. </p><p>"i guess i could move around a few meetings to give me some extra hours" that was a win for you. after all, he was a businessman and probably had a very busy life. so it filled you with pleasure that he'd shift his schedule for you. </p><p>"mmm perfect" as soon as those words left your moth, his lips met your neck, sending you into a deep sleep. comfort overwhelmed you, his touch felt throughout your body, the silkiness of his sheets covering your entire body and the warmth that radiated off both of your bodies. your eyes shut, and before you knew it, you fell back into a elated slumber. </p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------</p><p>your eyes opened to the sunlight bursting in through the floor length mirrors that surrounded his bedroom. the comfort of the rays heat hit your face, you turned over extending your arm, expecting to feel kylo under your touch. but instead the coldness of sheets met your embrace. you sat up in wonder. eyes still covered in sleep, you observed the room. no sign of him. looking over your shoulder, the digital clock read 8:03 am. if his 'extra hours' didn't pass 7am, he really wasn't getting paid enough. groggy and still sore from the nights events, your feet hit the numbly cold marble. wrapping your arms around you for extra warmth, you walked out into the living room. </p><p>no sign of him in here either you curiously thought to yourself. </p><p>you wandered to the kitchen, empty again. however fresh coffee had just been brewed and you could smell something was cooking. you looked around for a mug, aimlessly opening all the cabinets and of course being the last one you peered in, you found the china. tip toeing to reach you grabbed the all black mug from the top shelf. pouring in coffee while you yawned, you held the cup up to your face. smelling the soothing scent of roasted coffee grounds, you forgot milk but you didn't care. this was how a morning in new york should be. a loud bang pulled you out of your dream like state. following the noise, another coffee cup in hand, your feet met his office door. pushing it open with your hip, you could see kylo sat in his chair looking too stressed for how early it was. </p><p>"knock, knock. i brought coffee!" you squealed at him. maybe a bit too excited for his liking, your trailed over to him, placing the coffee down on the coaster next to his laptop. you didn't hesitate once he spun around exposing his legs. you hopped onto his lap. </p><p>"well isn't someone in a brighter mood this morning huh?" he kissed your cheek, not lingering long before pulling away to look at your morning expression. resting his hands on your thighs, he provided your shivering legs with some heat. </p><p>"thank you again, i'm sorry i feel so embarrassed" you dropped your head, looking at the pitch black liquid that was swirling around in your mug. watching as it showed you your reflection, god you looked a mess. his hand left your thigh, pulling on your chin to look back up to him. you pouted as an initial reaction. </p><p>"hey, its okay. everyone has their moments, its understandable. now, are you hungry? because i'm starving" before letting you respond he picked you up, cradling you and your coffee cup all the way out, past the living room where you saw the empire state building waking up to a new dawn on the city, until your ass felt the coolness of metal stool at his kitchen counter. </p><p>pulling what looked like fresh croissants out of the toaster, he buttered you one and pushed a plate towards you. doing the same for himself before sitting across from you and tucking into his breakfast. you followed his actions. the soft buttery pastry hit your tongue with contentment. chewing slowly, trying to savour every salty, flaky bite, before swallowing and practically feeling the warmth travel from your throat down to your stomach. this truly did beat leftover pizza or take out from reys diner shift. </p><p>you were too busy basically orgasming over your food before clocking kylo's eyes which were fixated on you. his lips pulled the orange juice up to his lips, never leaving your vision for a second. you were getting anxious. </p><p>"what? do i have pastry on my face?" you started rubbing your chin and lips, hoping you weren't making a fool of yourself in front of him. </p><p>"no, no. i just- why stripping?" </p><p>his question took you completely by surprise, that you choked on the last piece of your breakfast. washing it down roughly with your coffee and dusting off the flakes from your fingers onto the plate below. </p><p>you swallowed once more. </p><p>you were about to tell this man practically your life story, here goes nothing you thought.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. chick flicks & extra cheese</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: childhood trauma, abuse, drug and alcohol addiction</p><p>his question radiated around in your head before you could even gather the courage to begin to speak. what was his sudden interest in you? his mixed messages were driving you insane. fucking you and then leaving you in his bed, then to come comfort and lull you back to sleep after another one of your nightmares. you couldn't handle the conflict that was dominating every thought you had. you wanted the affectionate side of kylo, the side that held you when you were trembling, brushed his fingers through your hair when you were sleepy and the kind to leave his number written on your hand in a desperate want to see you again. </p><p>a deeper part however, liked the emotional cold shoulder he gave you. the part of him that fucked your mouth until you were left clutching his leg for air, the man who surprised you at the plaza and made you come so easily. you ached for the warmth that enclosed around your neck causing you to see stars. </p><p>"well that's a long story" you tried to brush off his comment, not budging at the fact that he wanted to know how fucked up you had to be to move over three thousand miles to strut around in barely any clothing for money. </p><p>"we took the day off remember?" he wasn't letting you slip through his fingers. his eyes gunning you down, wincing at you, trying to prise you open just enough to spill your trauma you'd suppressed and only ever had the courage to tell rey. you took a sip of your now cold coffee one last time.</p><p>"i moved here about a year ago with my best friend rey. she works at the diner opposite the fashion house actually, that's when i first started basically lusting after a job in the industry. we've practically been best friends since birth, she's been the only constant figure around for me. i owe her my life, she left her job and girlfriend in carmel to come to here. i begged her to stay, told her i'm a big girl and can look after myself even in this pretty intimidating city. but she wouldn't budge, as soon as i told her, her bags were packed and now here both of us are!" </p><p>"why did you leave carmel? the beaches are lovely, the towns are quiet, surely its a dream location to start a life?" he was asking you questions, you obviously pricked his interest. </p><p>"family." </p><p>"family?" </p><p>your heart sunk at the stories you were about to tell him. arms and legs uncontrollably able to stay still, you looked down at your fingers on your lap, not standing to look at him as you poured your heart out onto the kitchen counter. </p><p>"my mother was an alcoholic and my father was a drug addict. parents of the year! half the time my mother would be passed out drunk on some grocery store wine, she still clutched the bottle in her hands as she slept. she held those green glasses closer to her chest than she ever did with me. one time, she was so drunk she forgot who i was, calling me a stranger, an orphan, some poor child who lost her way. she locked me outside, i had to sleep on the porch, in the rain till dawn until she realised what she'd done. hugging me and telling me how sorry she was, how she'd never do anything like that ever again. spoiler alert, it happened a lot" </p><p>tears started to form in your eyes, trying desperately not to let them fall, you didn't want him to see you vulnerable for a second time. </p><p>"and then there was dad. he was out of the picture when i was born, but came back when i started highschool. mom was so desperate it didn't take much convincing to let his coke head back into our home. for a while, i didn't see the drug use, sheltered me thought he was just so happy to see me all the time. but throughout the months i could tell it was just the drugs making him that way. he was the same as mom, loving their addictions more than their own flesh and blood.i'd keep quiet to rey about it all, mostly spending weekends at hers, leaving them to ruin their lives. it wasn't until-" </p><p>you stopped. you could see his eyes never leaving your face, he could tell you were getting emotional but didn't move to comfort you. </p><p>"go on" the words harsh from him. another command. </p><p>"one night, i just came home to grab some extra clothes as me and rey were studying for finals. i walked into the bathroom to see mom snorting a line right off the bathroom sink. she told me she'd never touch his stuff no matter how hard he tried to persuade her. she was broken ky. she wasn't my mother anymore. she wasn't the same person that would jump in puddles with me, make cookies until our stomachs were about to burst, brush my hair as she taught me multiplications. she was gone. dad wasn't far behind her, pushing me into the bathroom to join them. he was never a father. he was gone for most of my life and the only time he was present, he gambled and used our rent money on his little weekend highs.so i did what any sane person would do, i grabbed the bag of coke and flushed it. i couldn't go on seeing them destroy their lives. my life." </p><p>you looked up at him, seeing him eagerly waiting for you to continue, he was moving closer now brushing his hand on your thigh as a sign to carry on. </p><p>"you should have seen the looks on their faces. they didn't see their daughter anymore. they just saw me as a snitch who took their precious drugs away from them. they- they beat me, i can't remember much. only waking up in the er with rey holding my hand, everything aching. i was told i had two broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a broken wrist and a scar to the side of my neck. i remember the tears falling out of my eyes and rey trying to comfort me. they broke me. took my childhood away from me, and when i tried to help them, turn them into the parents i once loved, wanted to grow up to be like... they nearly killed me. that's why i left, after graduation, i packed my bags and didn't even stop by our old house to see them. the old me was dead to them." </p><p>suddenly his hand moved away from your thigh, the comfort that was letting you pour yourself out to him, that let words fall through your mouth without thought, the burden that was suddenly lifted from you, was now gone. only left with a cold print, exposing you to his judgment. </p><p>"i think you should leave" you couldn't grasp the words that left him. you broke down in front of him, telling you the torment, the abuse of your past and he wanted you to go. you didn't budge for a minute, not wanting to accept the comment he just shattered your heart with. </p><p>"what?" </p><p>"go, get out" his words more harsh now. eyes piercing through your skull. the agitation forming into fists.</p><p>"but ky, i just-" </p><p>"don't ever call me that. now leave" </p><p>you didn't think twice, grabbing your shoes that were still left at the bedroom door. pulling your handbag over your shoulder, tears uncontrollably falling down your cheeks, your appearance sure a mess. you slammed the door running down the complexes corridor, hand covering your cries. you didn't think to stop before entering the elevator, back falling against the wall, you sat there clutching at your legs, crying into your knees until you reached the lobby. </p><p>------------------------------------</p><p>rey was still up when you got home. you were surprised, thinking that she'd be snoring down the apartment floor and leaving you to cry and sink yourself under the covers in peace. </p><p>"how was mr lover maaaaa - oh fuck what's wrong? did he hurt you? who the fuck do i have to kill for this?" </p><p>"i-i told him everything and he, he told me to get out" </p><p>you fell to the floor. arms now clutching around her legs, tears staining puddle marks onto her jeans. it sounded like you were dying, like you were taking your last breath. your breathing shaky, leaving sniffles vibrating against her body. you felt her sink with you, knees finding the floor she wrapped her arms around you. rocking you back and forth, never leaving your side. hands stroking your matted hair, silent hushes leaving her lips. you tried to compose yourself, it was useless. you rode it out, both sitting on the hardwood floor until your asses were numb and you exhausted from emotional collapse. </p><p>"hey, hey, it's okay. i'm here okay? i'll ring mo and tell him that i'm sick, and then i'll do the same for you and that shitbag hux okay? we'll order some takeout, i'll play with your hair and we'll watch bridget jones for like the millionth time" she was trying to make you feel better, chuckling with each suggestion. </p><p>you couldn't help but laugh with her. the combination of bridget jones and pizza always made your heart whole from any upset you had. </p><p>"okay, okay. only if we get extra cheese?" you pouted up to her, eyes puffy and sore from the number of tears you'd shed in the past hour. nose running down onto your lips that were now wet with salvia. you were a mess. and he made you that way. </p><p>"we can get all the cheese in the world!" she kissed the top of your forehead before helping you up and out of your dress. running you the only hot shower you would get from the temperament of your water heater. </p><p>the water hit your skin with a warming overcast of encompassing contentment. letting it flow over your face, hands finding your hair as you worked the shampoo trying to get out any sex that was left in it. violently rubbing your body, you were trying to get his hollow touch to leave your skin. you wanted him gone. the lingering feeling of his hands on your thighs, throat, back. you wanted it all to disappear. he used you, opened you up physically and emotionally and then tossed you aside. you wanted to cry again but your emotions spent up. the only feeling that was left, was numbness. </p><p>pulling on your sweats, and tying your wet hair into a bun, you heavily dragged your still aching legs out and onto the couch where rey was waiting patiently with a bottle of wine and the pizza that had just arrived. </p><p>"ready miss jones?" she giggled as she poured you a glass, holding it out to you. </p><p>sliding past the glass and grabbing the bottle instead, you fell onto the cushions. snuggling up to her, picking up a slice and stuffing it into your hunger fuelled mouth. </p><p>"oh i'm ready" </p><p>-----------------------------------------</p><p>you both must have fallen asleep during the second film as you woke up to a pitch black living room that was being illuminated only by the rolling credits of the movie. you turned to look at rey, passed out, snoring as always. your feet felt the cold hardwood, picking yourself up you moved the empty pizza box onto the kitchen counter and disposed of the remaining wine that was now warm, down the sink. </p><p>your phone vibrated. </p><p>it was a text from him. </p><p>"you up? wanted to discuss what happened today." </p><p>no apology? how typical. </p><p>your fingers started to type, it was like second nature to want to respond to him. you stopped. finger hovering over the send button. fuck it. </p><p>"no. but if you want to apologise to me, i guess i can fit you into my schedule tomorrow."</p><p>you smirked as you saw that he read it. </p><p>"tomorrow it is then" </p><p>shutting off your screen, you accompanied rey on the couch, sneaking your body under her arm, eyes shutting, you fell asleep instantly. excited for what tomorrow was going about bring.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. satisfaction or submissive?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you weren't going to let kylo charm his way out of making you ugly cry for the whole evening. if he wanted to apologise, he had to mean it. the little caress of your inner thigh, the palm that rested on the side of your neck or the hand slotting comfortably into yours wasn't going to distract you from getting an 'i'm sorry' falling out of his soft, plush lips.</p><p>you felt sick at the fact that you exposed your inner demons to him, put your heart on a platter for his judgement, and in return, were made to leave after spending your first time together. you should be hating his entire being right now, but you still craved him. the way he smelt as he pressed against your body, the stare that permeated through your walls as his hazel roasted eyes somewhat glared at every nerve within your body. you could still taste the delightful treats he made you while walking barefoot on his marble floors, dressed in his sleepwear t shirt that hanged low at your knees. the silk sheets that encompassed you in warmth and security. you even felt that overwhelming feeling you were taken over by as your silver heels first went over the threshold of his apartment. everything reminded you of him, songs on the radio, food in the fridge, you couldn't escape the way he made you observe the world after he entered it. he consumed you. every thought, every minute, every heartbeat.</p><p>8:00 am</p><p>you had an hour before you would be in the same room as him. breathing the same air, sitting on the same couch, trying desperately not to rip each others clothes off as you imagined. you wanted to impress him. after all, he was your boss (technically) so why not make him squirm over your appearance for a change? you decided on another little black dress, just reaching your mid thigh, a small slit clung around your right leg. paired with thigh high boots, you were sure to grab his attention. after all, you knew how to get men to gawk at your appearance. you had one more trick up your sleeve that you thought about while applying a deep rouge to your smirking lips in the mirror. finishing off the outfit with a mens suit jacket, the seduction you wanted was still going to be cold on the train ride to work, so you thought you'd better bundle up. grabbing your regular tote bag, you snuck into rey's room before leaving to place a small goodbye kiss on her forehead.</p><p>early, again. you stopped by finn for your regular morning coffee. your outfit caught his attention, practically jumping up and down behind the counter, he was surely your number one fan.</p><p>"honey, honey, honeyyyyy! well you have not come to play today. regular latte?"</p><p>his mouth left popped open to your exterior. who knew you could scrub up so well, and for work? usually work clothes made you uncomfortable at how preppy you had to dress. but today you were soaking in the elegance. almost forgetting you were only an intern, your confidence made you feel like you ran the god damn company.</p><p>"you know me so well"</p><p>grabbing your latte and leaving a tip in the tip jar like you always did, you could feel people staring at you. stepping into the elevator, men were asking you what floor, eyes never leaving your body, giving each other looks to signify that you caught their attention. as the doors opened to the fifth floor, you knew where you were heading. not needing poe to tell you he was here, something deep inside you could already sense his presence. reaching the handle, and pulling down without a second thought. your guard was up, his charms defenceless now, or so you hoped?</p><p>you were shocked to see him pacing, feet coming to a halt as he saw you walk in and close the door behind you. his eyes wandered up and down your body, eyes never taking a breath to blink, like he was afraid you were a mirage in his dreams that would disappear with any movement his lids made. he held two coffee's in his hand, extending the arm of his left, before eyes sinking at the sight that you were already holding your own.</p><p>"i grabbed you a coffee but it looks like you already got your own"</p><p>"i always grab my own coffees, sweet gesture but you just wasted two seventy five for no reason"</p><p>"please, i make a lot more than that in under a second" he was teasing your coldness back. you were trying to play him at a game he made. the emotional cold shoulder you were trying to give him was exciting you.</p><p>"well, no one likes a show off now do we ky? anyways, our suit fitting isn't until monday, so you've got ten minutes to say what you want to say before i need to get back to my work"</p><p>sitting across from him, you took off your suit jacket and sliding into the seat, instead of crossing your thighs together, you spread them open, exposing your pussy that was lacking underwear. you watched as his eyes couldn't leave the lower half of your body. teasing was your skill, give them just a little, make them sweat and they'll crumble under your feet.</p><p>"w-well, i wanted to j-just apologise for the way i acted the other morning. what you told me took courage to say and i-i shouldn't have made you leave so suddenly." he was stuttering on his words, was it this easy to break the kylo ren? a little private show of your pussy made his words tremble? it felt too good to be true, you needed to test him more.</p><p>"i appreciate that. however, you really, really hurt my feelings" as you slurred your words your hand trailed down to your clit, rubbing small circles over it, eyes never leaving his face that was turning a slight shade of red, mouth pursing together at your sudden lust.</p><p>"i-i thought so. and again, i apologise for that"</p><p>"how will you make it up to me huh? i'm still deciding whether your apology was up to my standard of satisfaction"</p><p>you were getting more and more wet due to the sexual tension that now filled the room. you could see his hands rubbing on the sides of his thighs, his heat now pressing against his suit. you let out a few moans and sighs to make him fully crack.</p><p>he didn't speak, just got up from his chair and moved his way over to you, still playing with your pussy. he towered over you, your eyes glaring up at him, lips between your teeth, trying to muffle the immediate arousal you felt as his body heat got closer to yours. how was he winning? you thought you had it under control? but you still felt inferior to him.</p><p>"oh angel, it'll be up to your satisfaction"</p><p>as his words radiated within your ears, he sunk onto the floor, positioning himself outside the entrance of your pussy, that was pleading for more toying. you wanted him to taste you, all of you. opening your legs wider and resting them on the arms of each side, he looked up at you before diving straight in. his tongue, a new sensation. so this is what it felt like? rey always tried to describe it to you, but this was better then anything you could have ever imagined. a heat was building up, tingling all the way to your stomach as he ran his tongue up and down your pussy. his thumb reaching forward to take over from you, now running circular motions over your clit with ease. your hands found his hair, pulling strands through your fingers, making sure he couldn't stop. your back now arching, neck flung and resting on the back of the chair. the overwhelming pressure was pampering you into a state of euphoria. you were close. getting ready to release the tension, he drove his fingers into you, causing you to yelp.</p><p>"do you want the whole office hearing you angel?" his words vibrating against your warmth.</p><p>"no, no sir"</p><p>he was working faster now, testing your ability to stay silent, tongue still working, now sucking at your nib, causing shocks to run up and down your back. body now convulsing in ecstasy. your hand found your mouth, biting down onto your skin. you came suddenly around his fingers, small whimpers sneaking out, he still never left your pussy. helping you to ride out this new sensation, teaching you how being fucked in every way should feel.</p><p>"good girl. was that satisfactory enough?"</p><p>climbing onto his feet, running his hands through his hair, and using a coffee napkin to wipe his other hand of you, he smirked, thinking it was that easy for you to accept his apology and obey.</p><p>getting up yourself, pulling down your ridden up dress, swinging the suit jacket to hang loosely over your shoulders. you picked up your still warm latte from the conference table. hand meeting the side of his face, you tapped it gently as a sign to say thank you before walking towards the door.</p><p>"it's a start mr ren, it's a start"</p><p>giving him a taste of his own medicine, arm clutching at the door frame, winking back at his shocked face, you left him alone in the room in which he did so.</p><p>-----------------------------</p><p>your day was long, neck aching from being constantly hunched over your desk, sketching away at new ideas for the mens fall catalog, you were starting to get uncomfortable, and very, very cold. why didn't you bring underwear? stupid bitch. gazing up to see people packing away their stations, you didn't even realise it was the end of your day. shutting your sketchbook, packing away your own pencils and erasers. you phone lit up.</p><p>"any plans this evening? i wanted to treat you to the other half of my apology"</p><p>"can't. out for drinks with rey."</p><p>you loved being detached with your emotions to him, but at the same time your heart ached to say yes and blow off rey. but you couldn't let him win you over that easily. you were a stripper for fuck sake, you said no to men way too often to let this one sway your mind.</p><p>"shame. don't go too hard, sober you is messy enough"</p><p>he made your blood boil and your thighs warm. he was testing you, seeing if you'd obey his commands. but you were feeling bratty.</p><p>"challenge accepted....sir"</p><p>you shut off your phone and work lamp. walking out of the office, head held high. you knew you were in for a wild night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. tempting touches</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: DRUGS AND ALCOHOL USE<br/>(midnight sky - miley cyrus) - a club anthem for y/n</p><p>practically running down the apartments corridor till your hand found the handle of yours, you walked in to rey half naked, pre-drinking shots of vodka. normally a sight like this on a friday night would make you groan at the fact she was going to make you go clubbing with her instead of letting you sink into your mattress with a tub of ice cream and a murder documentary. but tonight was different. butterflies exploded in your stomach at the suspense of the evening you were going to have. you wanted to get drunk on whatever liquid slid down your throat the quickest. high on whatever drug rey was able to get her hands on with the remainder of both your earnings. you could already smell the familiar scent of weed that was permeating around your apartment; gliding into the kitchen, rey passed you an already rolled, lit joint and in the other a shot glass of vodka. you didn't hesitate, swinging your head back it fell down the back of your tongue, burning your throat as you swallowed. focusing now on your joint, inhaling and exhaling without a care in the world. rey looked shocked at how little you were resisting her temptations</p><p>"someones in the mood to get fucked tonight"</p><p>"you wouldn't believe"</p><p>you could feel your phone buzzing in your hand bag. never once getting it out to check who it was, you already knew it was him. probably becoming agitated at your careless approach to your life. fists clumping together, breathing becoming more heavy, you could sense the anger from the other side of manhattan. stumping out the end, you wandered into your bedroom in search of something to wear. hands rummaging through your draws, until you found what you were looking for. a black mesh two piece. the upper body, thin strapped and corset shaped, mesh was the only fabric covering the sides, exposing the outline of your boobs while the centre a deeper black material that still was able to highlight your nipples under the club lighting. the skirt just skimming under your ass, it was practically see through, high waisted black underwear worn underneath as an illusion, the fabric draped over was ruffled, the small sequins glinting just enough to grab attention to your asset. you wore the same high waisted black boots that were draped over the sides of the conference room officer chair earlier that day. rey curled your hair and you placed two small space buns on either side, still allowing your hair to flow past your shoulders.</p><p>"look what i was able to get tonight" your head looked up from brushing the ends of your hair out, staring at rey in the mirror who held up a small see through bag which contained around 3 grams of coke.</p><p>"fucking hell did you spend all our extra cash? you choked. you'd be lucky enough to afford a gram on both of your salaries.</p><p>"maybe, maybe not?"</p><p>your heart sunk a little every time you spent your money to get high. you felt like you were turning into your parents, prioritising a quick high over a future, over a family, over love. but its genetic, biological, you'd end up like them wether you liked it or not, so why not speed up the process and have fun while doing so. you pushed that gut wrenching guilt down into the pit of your stomach and smiled at rey.</p><p>"it better be good, not like last time"</p><p>last time rey was in charge of sorting for a night out, she got scammed and was given 3 grams of ketamine which she believed was cocaine. paying triple then the usual you would, you knew it wasn't cocaine, the feeling was all wrong. to rey it didn't matter, but to you, you wanted the high you paid for.</p><p>"look that was one time! and i said i was sorry didn't i?" what she failed to do was stand by the end of the night, leaving you to lug her deadweight body over five blocks up to your apartment. never again.</p><p>" i know, i know ! now are we ready?"</p><p>you checked your phone at the time.</p><p>12am</p><p>you smirked at the five unread messages and missed call kylo left you.</p><p>"challenge not accepted, know your limit"</p><p>"if you drunk call me, i'm not helping you"</p><p>"god you're being pathetic now"</p><p>"testing me are you? might want to rethink your plan and call me back"</p><p>"stop playing games."</p><p>your fingers again went to type without a second thought. you were feeling extra bratty and slightly buzzed.</p><p>"i happen to like games"</p><p>rey was ready now, looking flawless as usual. she wore black suit pants and a jacket, but instead of a dinner shirt, she left the buttons open and exposed the plunged lacy black bralette that was accentuating her cleavege in ease.</p><p>"ready doll?"</p><p>"oh i'm ready"</p><p>----------------------------------------</p><p>the club was abnormally busy for what was usually early for a friday night. the body heat hitting you as soon as your foot stepped into the neon lighted, crowded dance floor. body already relaxing and swaying to the rhythms beat, rey slid her hand into yours and dragged you over to the bar.</p><p>"ten tequila shots please" she shouted over the music that was drumming in your ears, making it hard to hear anything anybody was trying to say.</p><p>as they were placed in front of you, you stood opposite to her, picking up the first shot glass, clinking them together, you chucked it back down your throat, the burning sensation never leaving, you did the same with the other five. rey leaned in and kissed your lips sloppily after you both finished your last drink. it was tradition. find the club. order ten shots of tequila. kiss after the last one as a sign of good luck for the evening. preferably get coked up in the bathroom, and dance until the club lights flickered on, signalling to you it was already dawn and that your bed was calling you. you both never spoke with words, just actions. her hand slinking back into yours, you followed her onto the dance floor, sinking back into the music, already drunk from the countless pre-drink shots you devoured. you let yourself go.</p><p>after a few songs went by, sweat already pooling at your thighs and the back of your neck. rey dug out from her bralette the small bag, dipping her necklace into it, she snorted it back into her nostril. you were practically licking your lips at what she was about to offer you. doing the same again to you, you held onto her hand to steady and for guidance. you inhaled, the faint smell of gasoline hit your hairs, before euphoria set in. a rush of energy made you hungry for more, feeling the music deeper now, you didn't even notice rey hand you the bag for safe keeping before walking away with a girl she must have met.</p><p>dancing alone now, the colours straining and merging together as you tried to focus on them, your hands met your hair playing with it as your heart was racing and beating in tune with the music. a hand met your waist, and another met your neck, softly stroking it up and down, while their other hand was toying with the top of your skirt. instead of pushing them off you and punching them in their face for touching you, you pressed your back against them even more. closing your eyes, you enjoyed the way their hands began to explore your body, caressing from your waist, to your ass, up and down, leaving millions of nerve cells to explode within you. your sighs couldn't be heard over the loudness of the club. their touch felt so familiar, so sensual. you must know this man you thought. your eyes opened, still not facing them, you knew it was him, he was here, somehow he found you.</p><p>"oh kylo" turning around eyes closing, you didn't hesitate to lock your lips onto his, but you weren't met with the same dominating sensation that normally aroused you. you pulled away, coked up to your eyeballs, trying to focus on the figure infront of you.</p><p>"who the fuck is kylo baby? its just me and you here"</p><p>not kylo. definitely not kylo.</p><p>"oh uh, aha, i thought you were someone else, sorry. well thanks? i guess? but i'm gonna be going now"</p><p>as you turned around to leave, his hand found your wrist, grabbing it so tightly you yelped at the pressure your bones were feeling.</p><p>"where do you think youre going sweetie? i thought we were having fun?" <br/>trying to pull you closer now, your heels stuck on the ground, your other arm bashing his in a desperate attempt to prise him off you. no luck, he was a lot stronger than you. reminder to never ever skip arm day agin, you thought. you resulted to lifting up one of your boots and stamping it onto his foot.</p><p>his hand left your wrist, not sticking around you made your way over to rey who was tonguing the same woman that made her leave you alone on the dance floor. her hand loosely hung around her neck while the other one was wrapped around her waist, pulling her close to her body.</p><p>"rey, i'm gonna go okay. i don't feel to good"</p><p>"you sure? you want me to come?"</p><p>"no, no, have your fun!"</p><p>the cold air of the city hit you like a ten tonne truck as you left the club, regretting your outfit choice majorly and the fact that you didn't bother to bring a jacket. you dug around in your purse to find your phone.</p><p>3am.</p><p>four unread messages from kylo.</p><p>"you won't like my game" - 12:06am</p><p>"are you really wanting to be punished?" - 12:53 am</p><p>"wait till i see you next angel, that ass won't be able to sit for weeks" - 2:09 am</p><p>"please call me. are you safe?" - 2:58 am</p><p>was that a sign of emotion in that last text? you chuckled as you read it over in your mind, he cared. otherwise why would he want to know if you were alright, surely if you were dead in a ditch he wouldn't bat an eyelid otherwise. you scrolled through your numbers until your finger stopped on his. you hit ring.</p><p>it was the second ring, and he picked up.</p><p>"helloooooo sir, i may or may not have won your challenge. this cherry is totally drunk. and very cold. i left the club because this guy started to get a bit handsy with me, so i stomped on his foot"</p><p>"you stomped on his foot?"</p><p>"yes sir i did"</p><p>"where are you?"</p><p>"uhhhhh, outside club lavo"</p><p>"the lavo club? didn't have you down for drugs and cheap alcohol girl"</p><p>"oh there's been a bit of both tonight; ow my feet hurttttt"</p><p>"i'm coming to pick you up. stay where you are, stay on the phone"</p><p>you hung up.</p><p>taking your shoes off on the side walk, you fell onto the concrete. your ass becoming instantly numb to the temperature that was spreading under you. your body was rocking back and forth uncontrollably, thighs shaking, hands playing with the zips of your shoes. it wasn't long before his porsche pulled up along the street.</p><p>"i told you not to hang up"</p><p>"and i said your apology wasn't finished so"</p><p>before you could even try and get up on your own, his hands snaked around your waist and lifted you up with ease, you felt like a pillow being carried under his sculpted arm. your bare feet finding the floor, he held onto you until he slid you into the passenger side, reaching over to pull your belt across your body. as soon as he shut the side door, your hand sneaked over to the drivers side and honked the steering wheel, not stopping until he was now in the car, trying to restrain your arms.</p><p>"BEEP BEEP LETS GO!"</p><p>"stop it. don't touch anything, just sit still"</p><p>"no can do sir, no can doooooo" your nose brushing his, never being this close to him before without having your eyes closed, you took in all of him. every indent, beauty mark, hair, crease line. he was truly a god.</p><p>"you stink of tequila'</p><p>he crept away from your face, eyes focused solely now on the road, he began to drive. slumping back into the seat, your thighs still uncontrollably shaking, you were falling in and out of consciousness with the smoothness and lull of the ride. you could feel the lights flicker on and off as the grazed over your closed eyelids.</p><p>you didn't realise you were now being carried by him until you opened your eyes, to the front of his apartment.</p><p>"woah, did we time travel or something? how did we?"</p><p>"get up here?" he opened the door, and let you walk in first.</p><p>"well, after chasing you down the block, screaming I WANT MORE COKE, i carried you up here so you couldn't embarrass yourself anymore"</p><p>"ohhh, I seeeee.oops. i'm thirsty, are you thirsty?' you walked over to his fridge, the light glared in your eyes, practically burning your retinas. you pulled out a chilled bottle of water, ripping the cap off with your teeth, you sunk onto his couch, soothing your dry mouth with liquids that didn't burn your throat for once.</p><p>he came over to you, picking up your head and placing it onto his lap. hand finding your hair, he began to stroke your head, running his fingers in and out of individual strands. the feeling heightened, each arm hair practically standing. you opened your eyes and stared into his.</p><p>"you're so prettyyyy"</p><p>"and you're so drunk, now close your eyes okay?"</p><p>"but i don't want to, i want you" your hands reaching for his chest, running circles along it with your finger.</p><p>"you're drunk and fucking coked up. no"</p><p>"but why, i'm hornyyyyyyy."</p><p>practically pouting, he shook his head at your confession. you huffed, sitting up, his hand left your head exposed to the chill of his apartment. instead of walking away angry, you straddled him. arms wrapping loosely round his neck, he looked uncomfortable at your actions, lips pursing together, his head turned away from you.</p><p>you grazed his chin with one of your fingers until the hazel orbs met with yours. your lips found and grazed the side of his ear, whispering quietly and seductively into it.</p><p>"you wanna get high daddy?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. mattresses & come downs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: DRUGS, DRUG-INDUCED SEXUAL ACTIONS</p><p> </p><p>you felt him buck under you, was he uncomfortable at your offer? or was he still deciding? lips finding the surface of his ear lobe you bit down gently, sucking fiercely, trying hard to persuade his mind without words. never leaving his ear, your other hand dug into your bra, pulling out the bag that you were keeping safe. your cold breath now running down to his ear drum.</p><p>"come on daddy, don't you want just a little?"</p><p>his eyes never left yours, fixating on your every move. you grabbed his hand, that was steadying yours in which was trembling, moving it towards the entrance of the bag. undoing it, you dipped his index finger in. removing it with the powder intact, covering his finger, you started sucking on it. eyes locked onto his, slightly humming as his digit moved up and down the back of your throat, the taste intoxicating your mouth. you felt his cock harden and press against your inner thigh, reacting almost as a reflex the heat between your legs began to rise, stomach in knots of lust. you started slowly moving up and down, tempting it. he was licking his lips at how hard you were trying to convince him to share the experience with you.</p><p>"because you begged so nicely"</p><p>you took that as a yes, instead of offering it to him on the necklace rey gave you half way through the night, you took a small amount out of the plastic ziplock, and smeared it onto your cleavage, arching your back to give him better access, his tongue came into contact with your skin, making you whine at the sudden warmth and wetness that was causing your nerves to explode. tongue up, down and across your cleavage, he left trails of salvia along your chest, before latching onto the side of your neck, biting and sucking on the skin. you weren't sure if it was the alcohol, drugs or both but the sensation that he was giving you was heightened. feeling his touch all over his body. ecstasy rushing through your brain. making your skin feel like one overall clit. </p><p> </p><p>desperately aching for him, your nails ranked into his hair, tugging at his scalp, letting out a soft grunt at your touch he bit down harder onto your neck.</p><p>"i want to mark the whole of your body angel. make you remember who owns you" </p><p> </p><p>his words roughly rasped at your skin, making his way to your jaw before sinking his lips onto yours. you could still taste the bitterness on his tongue, the acidic aftershocks intertwining in both of your mouths. gently moaning back and forth, the vibration of your noises flicked a switch in his mind. wasting no time, he picked you up and carried you over his shoulder. head hanging low around his torso, your blurry vision of the couch got smaller and smaller until a door blocked your view. hand connecting with your ass slapping your helpless draped body, he threw you onto the silk sheets. remembering the feeling of how they encompassed your warmth after the first time he broke you in, the first time his body clung to yours in a desperate attempt to lull you back to sleep. the sheets felt orgasmic. the material gliding past your writhing uncontrolled body. silk grazing your feet, shoulders, thighs. kylo was circling round the bed, drinking you in, analysing your every move. his energy spiking, aggravating, hungry. </p><p>"come on stop teasing" </p><p>you whined. he chuckled at how desperate your were for his touch to find your body again. the heat between your legs building to a point of numbness, thighs pressing together to give comfort to your beating pulse. </p><p>you saw him move to his nightstand, pulling out a piece of fabric matching the same as the sheets you were sprawled across. knee finding the bed, you shuffled your body closer to him, suddenly the room went dark, placing a blindfold over your eyes, you were now completely exposed to his actions. you could sense him moving, pacing. his index finger started to trail down your body, you whimpered and bucked at the immediate touch. </p><p>"so ready for me aren't you?" his hand found the lining of your panties, hand fully under the fabric, you squirmed at the ardent trail he was leaving your entrance. "so wet for me too" </p><p>you couldn't respond with words, helplessly letting out moans, escaping your mouth without a second thought. back arching at the overwhelming sensation of heat your pussy was feeling under his touch, clit aching for attention. he granted you it. running circular motions with his thumb, it sent you into a state of utter rhapsody. practically crumbling under his touch, he sunk his fingers into you. yelping at the sudden pressure, mouth hung open, his other hand found it. sliding three digits in, keeping your jaw undone. his pace gaining more momentum, sending you closer and closer to the edge, you mewled at his determination to propel you into a state of weakness. </p><p>"come for me slut, come on daddy's fingers"</p><p>shockwaves sent your entire body into a splintering mess, biting down onto his fingers that were still working your throat, stifling the disobedient cries of stimulation. legs shaking and trembling, desperately trying to close round his hand that was still pushing you through. you couldn't catch your breath before his fingers were replaced with his cock. delving into your mouth, your tongue lapped around him. your lips already drooling and swollen from the immediate pressure, he thrusted into you. causing you to choke as he grabbed onto your hair and manoeuvred you back and forth. you so hopelessly wished you could see his face grunting and breaking above you, enjoying 'his little cherry' returning the favour. it wasn't long before his breathing became unsteady, letting out a growling tone. the sudden warmth of him hit the back of your throat, covering your mouth, you began licking the remainder of him that was coating your reddened lips. using your fingers to soak up and dispose of the rest. </p><p>suddenly your vision returned, eyes blurry at the sudden dimmed lighting of his bedroom, his smirk meeting the first of your focus. his hand met the side of your face, moving the strands of hair that was now stuck to you with sweat. caressing your cheeks, your head tilted pressing into the side of his palm. pouting with your eyes for more, he shook his head. you were in shock. </p><p>"but-"</p><p>"no angel, we had our fun but you're still not sober enough for sex"</p><p>you huffed, folding your arms over your body that was now tense with rejection. </p><p>"don't tell me what to do! please, i'm sober enough, it's all practically worn off, please i need you"</p><p>another shake of his head was accompanied with a sinister chuckle.</p><p>"oh princess, you're sober enough are you? well, how many fingers am i holding up over here?" </p><p>fuck. your vision still blind as fuck without being placed right in front of your face, you squinted at his hand, was that two or three? you couldn't tell, desperately wanting to get it right, you went with your gut. </p><p>"three"</p><p>"wrong. two. i stand by my point"</p><p>"but-"</p><p>before you could argue with him anymore, he disappeared into his closet. returning again with another of his t-shirts, you held your hands up for him to help you undress. incapable of changing without definitely becoming side tracked or falling over, he gave in to your demand. hands running up your waist until meeting the mesh fabric, pulling it gently over your head, making sure your earrings or hair didn't get caught in the material. now falling onto his knees, his thumbs caught the fabric of your skirt, shimmying to help in the process, you picked up one foot at a time, until you were out of your clothes, and were left in your underwear. wishing he would go further, rip them off your body, punish you for being a brat, edging you just enough to annoy and tease you before giving in and filling you with his cock. you were suddenly snapped out of your dream with his t shirt being dragged over your head. it smelt the same as last time, his scent intoxicating every hair in your nostril, it was addictive. </p><p>"thank you"</p><p>"well, you're welcome. i'm going to grab a drink. did you want anything?" </p><p>he was different then last time. not leaving you alone straight after you both came down off your euphoric lust of a high. no tears were welling up in the bathroom, that made you have to dab them away with the towel. his lips that kissed your forehead abruptly before dispersing and overwhelming you with a sense of abandonment. this time he was being more caring, helping you undress, taking his time, making sure to not rip any pieces or hurt you. asking if you wanted anything from the kitchen after he finger fucked your holes. was he changing? or was it just the coke? </p><p>"oh, uh some water would be great? i'm actually a little tired" </p><p>"of course, and if you wanted to sleep you don't have to ask." </p><p>he pointed to the bed in which was a mess from your recent escapade. he turned and wandered across to the kitchen. you heard the cabinet open and a glass being filled, you snuck over to the side of the bed before leaping into its familiar softness. your back suddenly not achy from the months spent sleeping on your stupid mattress. body sinking into the memory foam, it felt like home. imagining working a taxing day and returning back to the sheets that filled you with warmth, both of your tense bodies collapsing into each others arms, breaths syncing together and falling into slumber like no other. </p><p>he came back with your water, handing you the glass he stared as you took a sip. </p><p>"what?"</p><p>"nothing you just look so-"</p><p>he caught himself, never finishing the sentence he grumbled before removing his t shirt and pants, exposing his sculpted exterior, he walked over to the other side of the bed. you burrowed under the covers, sighing with contempt at the sheltered feeling. snuggling your face up against the pillow, you watched his every move, how he fell into the sheets, one hand resting under his head, eyes staring up at the ceiling. </p><p>"did anyone ever tell you that your bed is the greatest feeling on the planet?"</p><p>"no,  no they have not. well- i haven't had anyone else sleep in it except from me-" </p><p>"oh-" </p><p>you felt special, that you were the first. it made you uncomfortable at how to respond. </p><p>"well it beats mine, which is literally a mattress on the floor." </p><p>you chuckled as you tried to get closer to him, make him gaze down at you, wrap his arm around your waist, sink his head onto your shoulder. </p><p>"remind me to order you a bed."</p><p>"no you don't have to ky i-"</p><p>"well i can't have you sleeping in mine all the time so"</p><p>your heart sunk. the dream in which you were fantasising was getting smaller and smaller in your mind. </p><p>you felt temporary, but his actions made you believe it was forever.</p><p>"oh- you're right. well goodnight" </p><p>you closed your eyes, unable to shift away from him, turn your back, you still ached for his warmth, his forearm to pull you close and offer protection as you slept. all you could do was close your eyes in anticipation. you could sense his head turn to look down at you. a kiss was placed on your exposed cheek, before the overfamiliar coldness returned. his body moving away from you now and his back to you. </p><p>"goodnight"</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. shower thoughts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>daylight by taylor swift (balcony/thoughts scene) trust me !! (taylor just gives off major 'new york' vibes) </p><p>you couldn't sleep through the remaining hours left till dawn, feeling the heat of his body next to yours, giving you no satisfaction, no protection, just the shrug of his shoulder plates staring directly at you, creating a barrier between your head and the crook of his neck. he kept his back to you all night, like he was regretting helping you off the concrete outside the club, regretting not detouring downtown to take you home, tucking you in and leaving you to sleep off your high alone. you kept your eyes fixated on his body that was breathing in and out, making the covers draped over both of your bodies shift with a subtle movement. you were terrified to close your eyes, dreading another bad dream that would leave you desolate in a place of abandonment; you didn't want to wake up to a cooled side of the bed, the indent of his body still printed, the pillows plumpness a longed memory, you didn't want to wake up to what your dreams always had you fearing. solitude. </p><p>dawn was creeping in through the windows, settling the speckles of light upon the sheets, radiating a glint that was ricocheting off the satin fabric. your hands found your sleep deprived eyes, stinging at the touch, you winced at the pain of your worry. he didn't move for the four hours of rest he disappeared into after the cold shoulder of emotion he showed you. literally. a cold shoulder. the huskiness and abruptness of his "i can't have you sleeping with me all the time" made the familiar sinking feeling radiate into the pit of your stomach. you still didn't know your feelings towards him, but why when those words left his sex deprived lips did it make you feel unworthy of his affection. you began to feel like a burden. him only allowing you to stay because of the inconvenience you caused, the neediness in which you wanted to be satisfied. did he think that because you had only slept with him, you'd grow an unshakable attachment to him? was that the reason for his detachment? your thoughts screaming you awake. you needed fresh air. you needed a fucking cigarette. </p><p>quietly getting out of the bed, watching his torso shift with the sudden weightless bedside, the angelic spell of sleep still not pulling him away due to your sudden removal. you stayed for a moment, watching him still. he was hunched over, one arm resting under his pillow while the other lay lifeless near his chin. his hair scruffy from the hours of him not raking his fingers through it; it was unkept, falling to the side due to his position. you liked it. making him less intimidating. his lips still pursed as usual, the plushness looking daring enough to latch yourself onto and wake him. you hesitated. not knowing wether he'd be happy or agitated at your neediness, again. you gave him one last glance before leaving him still and contempt without you. </p><p>tiptoeing around the living room trying to remember where you flung your handbag in a daze of euphoria. finally seeing it placed on the kitchen counter, you picked up the pack of marlboros, lighter resting between your fingers, you glazed over your texts messages. five texts from rey. </p><p>"hope you got home okay" - 3:20 am</p><p>"wait why aren't you at home?"  - 6:12 am </p><p>"where are you??" - 6:32 am</p><p>"if you're dead, can i have your heel collection?" - 6:33 am</p><p>MISSED CALL: REY </p><p>"seriously. answer meeee"  - 7:00 am</p><p>you placed a cigarette between your lips and wandered out onto the balcony that overlooked the awakening city. before bringing the lighter up to your lips to sooth your raging thoughts, your fingers hit the keypad to tell rey that you were safe. </p><p>"i'm not dead. and you can't even walk in boots, so good luck with my 8 inches, stayed at kylo's" </p><p>slotting you phone into your bra, you flicked your lighter and inhaled. immediately relieved by the sensation of anxiety and paranoia dispersing from your body, you rested one arm onto the ledge. watching the sun peak over the skyline, burning your retinas, reflecting off the shimmered windows. you wished this could be how all your mornings were. waking up early, idly finding a cup of coffee or a cigarette depending on how your night was, breathing in the crisp air of the city that was already in motion. the smell of fresh bakeries, the hot steam rising and the vibration of friction from the subway cars wheels on tracks. you didn't want it to end. you wanted to be stuck in a loop of early mornings and city skylines forever. </p><p>your mind was wandering, and he was entering the premise of every thought. the good morning kiss, the cup of coffee being handed to you, the bathroom rushing with water and condensation as he took his morning shower while you made him extra eggs. the hand brushing up against the lower dip in your back as he pressed his lips onto the side of your forehead before leaving for work.  the allured state of fondness left you dizzy and aching for the reciprocated affection that your dreamed up in your head. </p><p>all of a sudden you felt sick. </p><p>not sick with lust or desire. sick as in, you were about to throw up the entirety of your organs. flicking out the cigarette butt, you ran back inside, feet pounding on the marble floor, barging into the bedroom, not taking a care into wether you woke kylo, your hand met the wood that was keeping your head away from the toilet. you met the side of the bowl without a second to spare, hurling anything that was left in your system into the water. you slumped your body to the side, hand hanging across the porcelain, your head rested in the crevice of your arm. you couldn't stop the feeling of uneasiness from returning. nausea filling your head, pounding at your temples, the bile didn't give you a second warning before clawing up from your throat. spluttering echoes radiated through the bathroom. you mustn't of heard kylo wake and carefully open the door to find you splayed out, pale and weak from the battering your organs dragged you through. the smell stinging your nostrils, you looked around to see him, sweat and tears running rapid around your face of exhaustion. </p><p>"don't look at me" you raised a hand to bat him away, not wanting him to see you in such a fragile way, you began to blush at how embarrassed you felt. </p><p>"well goodmorning to you too" he chuckled as his stepped into your personal bubble of misery. </p><p>his hand met the back of your head stroking up and down as a sign of comfort. fingers trailing the back of your neck before intertwining your loose curls between his fingers. playing softly with your scalp, he aided you to a sense of normality, stomach returning to a stillness. you rose your head up from the mess. sniffing at your watery nose, your lips covered in last nights mistakes, you grabbed some tissue paper, wiping away the awkwardness.</p><p>"sorry. i'm a mess" were the only words you could think of, mind still pounding away, producing a sense of distorted blurriness. his hand left the crook of your neck, finding the inseam of your arm, he helped you to stand. finding your feet with much difficulty, you looked up at him. </p><p>his eyes filled with sleep, the roughness of lines left on his face from the bed, his hair still swooped to the side, his lips still in the pursed position. he was looking at you differently, focusing just on your face, not on your body. analysing every feature, trailing over your eyebrows, nose, lips. the hazel orbs were drinking you in, a small smirk creasing the ends of his lips. </p><p>"shouldn't have partied so hard angel" </p><p>his hand met the side of your cheek, you moved away, flinching at his touch. the confounding feeling rushed through your mind, pulling you out of a state of fragility. your eyebrows turning into a burrowed expression. his head turning to the side, confused at the retracting of your touch against his. </p><p>"um, can i take a shower?" </p><p>you didn't know how to fill the void of empty silence caused by your shrug to his affection. a shower would set things right, wake you up, allow you to think about the way he was sending you mixed signals. </p><p>"yeah of course, i'll, uh, give you some privacy" </p><p>without a second more, his feet retreated out of the bathroom, leaving you to soak your thoughts up under the heat of water running down your fatigued body. stripping, your mouth fell at the sight of your neck and body in the mirror. his marks left all over you, purple, green, blue. his finger prints wrapped around your thighs, like his touch was permanently with you. trying to remember the events of the night before, the sensation of raw climax rushed to your heat. turning to view the back, your ass was purple, stinging as you moved your hand over it in circular motions. wincing at the memories that came flooding back into your mind, you almost felt like you were going to hurl again. pushing it down, you turned on the water and let it run over your debilitated body. </p><p>what was he doing? kissing you so passionately, making you come under his touch. making your body helpless at the sight of him towering over you, holding you close to his chest, rescuing your drunk and coked ass off the street. driving you back to his instead of tucking you into your own bed? he surely felt something towards you. the heat of the steaming liquid rushing over your face as your mind ran rampage. demanding you to leave his apartment? the constant emotional cold shoulder, the repeated tone that made you believe that your presence was becoming a burden to him, the removal of you from his sleeping pattern? the mixed signals intoxicating your emotions. causing you to slip into a state of madness. </p><p>did he care about you? or did he see you as an easy target for him to play with until he got bored? why did he always keep you away from his emotions? did he even have any true emotions ? </p><p>your head hit the tiles in-front of you. letting your body become numb to the scalding temperature that was inflaming your spine. the steam fogging up the glass panels, you couldn't sense the door open and the coldness of fresh air rushing in. until kylo's body met yours. becoming wet under the shared stream of sprays. you didn't turn around to face him. too conflicted for his charm to induce your mind into staying, into carrying on with the toy of your strings. </p><p>he manoeuvred his hands around your waist, turning you around, your body obeyed reluctantly.your nipples now brushing up against his chest, your eyes raised to look into his that were fresh and awake with questions.  </p><p>"why did you move away from me this morning? did i do something to upset you?" </p><p>"no- i just, i don't know what you want from me" </p><p>"what i want from you?" </p><p>"yes. like what are we doing? why me? why couldn't we have just stayed professional instead of getting feelings involved?" </p><p>there was a brief pause of silence between you, the rushing over water becoming the only sound permeating the four walls of the bathroom. his grip around you loosened, looking confused at the confession you just poured out. </p><p>"feelings? when did we agree to bring our feelings into this?" </p><p>his response making your mind side with the cons. making you believe you were here and only here for his pleasure, when he had a stressful day, when he wanted to realise a spurt of anger, when he didn't want to be alone. you were here solely for his benefit, not yours. your eyes drooped, a mixture of complete exhaustion and anguish filled your pupils. you felt your shoulders loosen the stress, your arms becoming heavy and you spine collapsing. feelings. you were sure he had them. you felt like a school girl again. your obsessive immaturity towards an older man giving you the crumb of wanted attention. eyes drawing away from his, they met your feet that were fidgeting under your response-less body. not wanting to stare into the irises that were making you fall for him. </p><p>he lifted your chin with a single finger, making your tearing, reddened eyes draw to his own cold and unmoved orbs of hazelnut. </p><p>"what are you thinking angel?"</p><p>turning the shower off, water halting on your skin, leaving the sharpened embrace of cool air to wrap around your naked body and his.</p><p>"i'm, i'm thinking i want you to drive me home now"</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. eight pm deliveries</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you hadn't seen or spoken to kylo in a week since he left you sopping and exhausted after your confession in his bathroom. the car ride back to your apartment was dull, no hand grazed idly over your thigh, no radio filled the walls to lure away the awkward silence, just the sniffles of your running nose due to the endless amount of suppressed tears you were holding in until you collapsed against your apartment door. back sliding with no fault, your knees bunched together at your chest, sobbing quietly into your lap. your jeans becoming soaked as you let the tears cascade out of your irises, his voice replaying over and over in your head.</p><p>"feelings? when did we agree to bringing our feelings into this?"</p><p>ricocheting through every nerve in your mind, setting your brain ablaze. no matter how hard you tried to push down the feeling of guilt and brokenness, you succumbed to the numbness and let out your cries for help. thinking about how he made cry when you were in his company, how he made you feel the butterflies fluttering in your stomach, the smell of his cologne on his pillow that eased you out of a state of restlessness. every memory of your brisk time together causing your heart to ache and tug at the strings. rey helped you up from the attachment your back was forming to the wooden door, she didn't need to ask why you were crying, your eyes spoke for you. sheltering you within the crook of her arm, she aided you onto your mattress, not bothering to undress you and put you into something comfier, you didn't have the energy for an outfit change. your body hit the springs, sinking and becoming limp at the first touch your skin made with the covers. curling yourself into a ball, your eyes still letting out the vast amount of your sole lasting emotion.</p><p>"i'll be right back"</p><p>her comforting words were the first you heard since you asked to leave his apartment. they provided you with a sense of normalcy that his husk voice wasn't the only sound permeating your eardrums, that there were voices of love and adoration for you. voices with feelings and meanings behind the words that were spoken.</p><p>leaving you alone with your thoughts for a couple of seconds, she reappeared, sliding under the covers next to you with her laptop, bottle of wine and the good ice cream you saved for moments of desperation. shifting over, you rested your head against her shoulder as she poured the wine into two glasses and handed you one. you didn't need to say anything, she found netlfix without question and stuck on the latest murder documentary that was keeping you up till dawn most nights binging.</p><p>"do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>she said in a hushed tone while slotting the cold metal spoon between your free fingers. you dug the utensil into the tub of triple chocolate cookie dough swirl, bringing it up into your mouth, letting the coldness sit on your tongue until melting point. you shook your head in response, not wanting to speak, fearing that if you started you wouldn't stop and that your tears would begin to overpower you once more. all you wanted was to stay like this forever. rey now cuddling your side, her head resting on top of yours, she filled up your glass every-time you finished, spoon feeding you ice cream until you were full to the brim. falling asleep to the serious tones of the documentary and reys heartbeat caressing the side of your temple with every intake of breath.</p><p>-------------------------------------</p><p>you were nervous to see him at work, knowing that you would have to spend hours cooped up in the back room, altering his clothes, touching his body while still remembering the way he made yours feel. even though you detached yourself from him completely over the remains of your weekend, you couldn't silence the feelings you still held for him. hux could sense you weren't yourself while at the plaza, and instead of being a slither of what a decent human being would be , he made you work the floor for the entire midnight till 3 am shift, not letting you get the tips you solely needed for rent this month, if you were on stage.</p><p>you couldn't keep your mind on the way rose was describing her friday night either, mind zoning out and remembering the way he watched you the first time you both locked eyes on each other. </p><p>"yes and then i got with this girl at club lavo and we are meeting for coffee tomorrow! she has short brownish hair, hazel coloured eyes and guess what ?! she's british ! ugh such a dream!"</p><p>you snapped back into reality, you couldn't help but remember rey also talking and obsessing over a girl that she also met at the club. you were too fucked out of your mind to put the pieces together. rey and rose. no fucking way. while your life was falling apart because of an emotionally detached fridge of a man. your best friend and co worker found love in each other's arms.</p><p>"by any chance is this girl called rey?"</p><p>she choked on her coffee. looking astounded like you were able to read her mind.</p><p>"yes? how did you-?"</p><p>"she's my roommate and best friend!"</p><p>"oh my god ! what a small world we live in !"</p><p>you stood up, already feeling the tears that reeked of loneliness collecting on the brim of your eyes. heaving your duffle over one shoulder. you went to kiss her head and leave for the night, stomach in a pit of nerves to return back to work and see him tomorrow.</p><p>"oh and don't worry! she talks about you a lot too"</p><p>you gave her a quick glance and a wink back before shutting the door to the dressing room. allowing the droplets to finally fall over your cheeks, you went home.</p><p>----------------------------------</p><p>today was the day. you'd see him after a week of avoidance. you already wanted to call in sick for the eighth time, but poe was only lenient with you for a week. he didn't want to admit it but he had a soft spot for you, maybe because you kept mentioning finn in all your conversations, and adding small sharpie hearts to his coffee cup for him to finally make the first move. you got the love obsession from both sides. finn always asking you how poe was doing? if he was stressed? if he would be coming down for his regular latte at precisely lunchtime. and poe, who asked you if finn was working the midday shift and if you wanted a coffee as he was already going to go get one after you told him that indeed finn was working as you both spoke.  </p><p> </p><p>you reluctantly rose from your mattress. eight am. you had about half an hour to get ready; normally you'd put on another show for him, show him exactly what he was missing out on and what he would never get the chance to touch again. but you were drained, he had made you that way. not caring as much about your appearance, you shuffled around until finding a black pair of ripped jeans and a mens shirt from your closet. synching it in with a belt, you glanced at your pale exhausted face in the mirror. you couldn't help but look down at the oversized shirt that was loosely hanging around your upper body. even your own clothes started to remind you of him. the way that if it was his, it wouldn't be wearable to work due to how large it would look on your figure, the familiar smell of smoke entered your senses, his cologne running rampage in your nostrils. you changed. you wanted to become severely detached from anything he worked his way in to associate himself with. you settled for something of reys. an oversized tee, in a dark charcoal grey with a graphic print, some sci-fi film franchise that she was obsessed with plastered on the front. you used your belt that you unhooked from your jeans to create definition and suck in your ever-growing waistline due to the amount of comfort food you consumed that week. sure that you definitely weighed an extra few pounds.  finishing off your laziness of an exterior with knee high boots and a bandana to cover the lack of showers you've been having, rey handed you a cup of coffee to go, kissed your cheek and placed your tote on your shoulder for you. </p><p>"you got this! don't worry! just picture him naked?" </p><p>"really.... that wouldn't help me move on rey. but nice try"</p><p>you grabbed the door handle, let out a small sigh before leaving the comfort of your cave that you'd been dwelling in for the past week in exact avoidance of this very moment. </p><p>"good luck!" </p><p>-----------------------------------------</p><p>you got into the studio right on time, poe already making his way over to your desk to give you your daily tasks, knowing that a meeting with ren would definitely be on the cards. his hand slide across your desk before resting himself on the edge of the table. </p><p>"feeling better?" </p><p>he seemed caring, a sort of sympathetic look washed over his face. </p><p>"yes much! sorry it won't happen again. anyways let me have it! what's on my list of dread today?"</p><p>"well, the hair and beauty girls wanted to use you as practice, they have a fashion show this weekend and the model has similar bone structure and hair texture as you, she can't make it in, another photoshoot. a few bits of paperwork regarding ren's cost of the custom suit and then the rest of the afternoon is yours my dear!" </p><p>your heart and face sensed hesitancy. where was the meeting with him? you felt relived that you didn't have to spend your afternoon looking like trash while in his presence but a small glimmer in your heart ached for his eyes to finally meet yours again. </p><p>"no meeting with the man himself today then?" </p><p>"oh, no. he called to cancel, something about a last minute business trip" </p><p>was he lying in order to cancel his appointment with you? did he also have fear and dread about coming into contact with you again as well? whatever he was doing, it made you feel like it was entirely your fault. that your immaturity halted his work, that your neediness and want for more than a casual hookup was causing strain on his life.  you shook off your thoughts. no. he was the one that wasn't clear with you from the beginning. toying with your emotions. fucking you raw and leaving you helpless. making any bad dream you woke up from more painful at the fact that he was the only thing on your mind. the only thing you wanted to be comforted by. he ruined you, mentally and physically. he deserved to keep his distance, you had no time for apologies, no time for fucking up your dream job over dick. </p><p>your day was draining. leaving the office with a complete new hairdo, two french braids that draped past your boobs due to the copious amounts of extensions that were placed in your hair for testing. tied with black ribbons on either side. your face completely beat. winged eyeliner, blusher, rouge lip liner and matte lipstick. you looked like a fucking twelve year olds pinterest board. but it did fill you with confidence at the odd stare you got on the subway while making your way home. </p><p>you were greeted with a furniture truck parked outside your apartment building, finding it odd that it was nearly eight pm and someone was getting furnishings delivered now. maybe someone was moving out? hopefully number twenty-eight who played nothing but bob marley on repeat at five am while taking their morning shower. fingers crossed. </p><p>you were shocked to see your apartment door open, glancing down at your phone, it was already two hours into reys shift. before you could grab your pepper spray, a man dressed in a work uniform reappeared into the hallway. </p><p>"you're the other roommate in twenty-seven correct?" </p><p>"uh, yes?" </p><p>confused at what you must have drunkedly ordered in the week, that you would definitely be returning due to the lack of funds in order to pay it off. </p><p>"your roommate let me in. its all set up, i just need your signature" </p><p>he handed you the clipboard and a pen and pointed at where to sign, mouth a jar and eyebrows burrowed together, you silently scribbled your initials on the dotted line and handed him the sheet of paper back. </p><p>"great thanks! have a good evening!" </p><p>"uh, you too?" </p><p>running into the apartment to see what in the fuck he 'set up', you saw that your bedroom door was open. it was never left open when leaving for work. not after rey had an afternoon drunk orgy in there after confusing your door for hers. you shuddered at the memories of that awkward encounter. you crept your head round the beam, eyes widening at what you were met with. </p><p>a four poster bed; the wood completely black, nearly reaching the height of your ceiling. you couldn't believe your eyes. surely not. it couldn't have been. you walked in to get a better look at what was neatly made in front of you, analysing the perimeter, you hardly noticed the card that was waiting patiently to be opened on the edge of the bed. your fingers met the paper, automatically gazing at the way your name was written. it was his handwriting. you didn't wait, tearing it open and letting your eyes run wild on the paper. </p><p>consider this an apology. a week is too long. let me make it up to you? i promise </p><p>ky. </p><p>you knew how much he hated it when you called him that. when you lessened his name to just one vowel. maybe he was truly sorry? he bought you an expensive bed for fuck sake. your mind running through the options you had. rip up the card, burn the card or text him. you chose option three. you couldn't disagree with him, a week had been too long. you wanted to see him, you need to. picking up your phone, you found his number and began to text.</p><p>thank you for the generous apology, and it's a yes to your question </p><p>you finger hit deliver. not even a second went by before it was labelled as read. the familiar three grey dots began to appear before a text was thrown back to you. </p><p>excellent, see you tomorrow, now get some proper rest for once, you're going to need it angel</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. black satin samples</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>your back immediately collapsed onto your new memory foam mattress, spine relaxing with every sinking feeling,  body finally being able to let go after how tense you'd made yourself all day. neck slumping, legs scraping over the silk fabric, you were in a state of eternal bliss. before passing out in your work clothes, you got ready for an early night of uninterrupted sleep. kicking off your thigh highs, shimmying out of the oversized tee and completing your skin care lazily like you did every night, you were finally ready to jump into what teased you like heaven.</p><p>your head hit the pillow and rolled around until you were on your side, drinking in the soft caress of the material against your cheek, you couldn't help but open your eyes at what you just sensed. the pillow. the smell.</p><p>it smelled like him.</p><p>the cologne rushing through your every nerve as if he was lying right next to you, the smell of smoke mixed with a charcoal tint of leather. all that was missing was the feeling of his chest slowly moving you up and down under you, you longed for that, the guilt of taking him back and accepting his apology so easily rushed through you. snapping you out of the intoxicating charm he had you under. you flipped over the pillow and shut your eyes. trying to think of anything that wasn't him. it was merely impossible. you were sleeping in a bed he bought you, under the sheets he picked out, on top of the pillow that had his scent, him and your thoughts were intertwined and could never be escaped.</p><p>you fell asleep contemplating what he had in store for you tomorrow, how he'd act around you after spending a week apart, would he be as nervous as you were? the text radiating in your head as you dazed off into an epitome of surrender.</p><p>"get some sleep angel, you're going to need it"</p><p>you smirked before falling unconscious.</p><p>-------------------------------------------------</p><p>you woke up to rey jumping on you, pulling you out of your blissful slumber. she was shaking the covers, pounding her whole body against the bed, practically abusing you with your own pillows.</p><p>"you didn't tell me lover boy sent you a whole ass new bed"</p><p>you sat up, and grabbed the pillow from her excitable hands.</p><p>"two things. one; he isn't 'my lover boy' and two, get out i'm already running late for work"</p><p>your cold feet hit the wooden floor with an ache, kylo could fix your back problems but not the soreness that you endeared and endeavoured from wearing heels that practically made you walk like bambi. that was if bambi was a nineteen year old stripper who had too many blisters to count and had terrible balance.</p><p>rey didn't move off your bed, instead she slid under the covers and let you get out and ready for the day. you settled for a summery dress with green and white floral patterns, however bundled yourself up with warmth by placing a cream knitted cardigan over the top. pairing it with knee high socks and your very worn down combat boots. you set free the plaits that the hair and beauty girls went hours perfecting, leaving you with a flawless wave of locks, you went subtle with your makeup, a little bit of blush and stroke of mascara and you were ready for your day.</p><p>'oh remember I'm working a double shift so i won't be back till tomorrow, early afternoon'</p><p>rey was sinking deeper and deeper into the covers as she watched you add some finishing touches with a golden choker and matching earrings. slinging your tote over your shoulder you walked over to her, her facial expression slowly forming into a pout which was accompanied by her big doe eyes, you leaned in and kissed her forehead.</p><p>"of course, and yes you can sleep in my bed while i'm at work"</p><p>"you read my mind!"</p><p>"did i have a choice?"</p><p>"ummmm no"</p><p>you left her practically drooling with exhaustion, you shut your bedroom door, making sure your sketchbook and pencils were intact in your bag, and left for the day.</p><p>the whole subway ride there you were nervous to see him, to hear his voice, to feel his touch. but you were exhilarated by the anxiety, you wanted the fear to engulf you into a state of lust, make you helpless just by his stare.</p><p>reaching the doors with ten minutes to spare you went to visit your favourite barista boy. much to your surprise, which was only positive. you stumbled upon finn leaning across the counter and giggling at poe, who's hand had reached out to touch his arm. had your little love match finally worked? no more drawing small sharpie hearts onto the 'to-go' cups, no more gossiping about one another TO one another. as you walked closer you caught the end of their conversation;</p><p>"great well i'll see you tonight then"</p><p>"you too"</p><p>poe hastily turned around and met your stare. you smiled, kind of nervous as you were already supposed to be at your desk by now working through the days errands.</p><p>"hiya doll! see you upstairs !"</p><p>could you believe it? poe was being extra nice. he was already a gentlemen, holding doors open for you, checking in to make sure you weren't stressed, grabbing you a coffee on his run; but one thing he hated, was lateness. you'd only been late once and the coffee you picked up for him just made up for it. but something was switched in his brain. no burrowed brow, no sigh of disappointment; just a causal smile and passing comment. your mouth was left wide open in shock as he walked by you. you looked over at finn who was fanning out silently with his mouth also open in a state of surprise.</p><p>"omg, mr dameron and i, may or may not be going out for a lovely rooftop meal tonight, all expenses paid for of course honey"</p><p>"ooo look at you being fancy, order one of everything for me aha"</p><p>finn didn't need to ask for your order anymore, you swiped your card without hesitation, and he began making it.</p><p>"so honey-pie ! do youuu have any plans for this fine tuesday evening?"</p><p>"oh you know me, i like to keep my options open"</p><p>you were lying straight through your teeth. you didn't want to explode onto finn about the past uneventful week and overwhelming fortnight you had. but technically you weren't lying, you were keeping your options open, but those options were reserved for one man and one man only.</p><p>"ooh well aren't we miss mysterious this morning"</p><p>finn passed you your latte, the heat finding your fingertips as they wrapped around the cardboard. you didn't say a word, just pressed your finger to your lips in a hushing tone and passed him a playful wink before walking away and up to your desk.</p><p>the elevator doors opened onto the fifth floor of the building and you were startled to see kylo already standing, waiting for you.</p><p>"good morning sir"</p><p>"good morning to you too...miss"</p><p>you couldn't not be attracted to his professionalism, the way he slid his hand around to your lower back, already gliding you into the conference room. to anyone elses naked eye, it would have looked like an exchange of merely acquaintances or boss to employee. but you knew that he was much more than a passing figure.</p><p>he opened the door to the conference room and let you walk in first, setting your tote on the table you plucked out your sketchbook with the drawings that were finally finished of his suit that was needed in the next couple of weeks. you could sense his body heat walked behind you, grazing your neck before sitting now next to you. you couldn't help but arch your head back at the immediate touch and relief he gave you.</p><p>"right shall we get started"</p><p>a glint formed in your eye that enabled a smirk to form in the corners of his mouth.</p><p>"we shall"</p><p>the sexual tension was rising for the hour long meeting you both had, you were nearly finished, picking on a pattern and cut of the suit jacket, all that was left to do was choose a fabric. pulling them from your bag, he stood, positioning himself behind you this time. as you began to talk through the differentiations of pieces and the cost per metre, you could sense his breath next to your ear, the warmth of his breath brushing past, to and fro. trying to stay professional and not buckle under his ways, you squeaked.</p><p>"this is my personal fav- favourite, um, its a black satin, l-lines the suit jacket very nicely"</p><p>"ah yes, i remember how satin makes you feel"</p><p>his words running backward and forward between each lobe, sending shivers down your spine and a familiar heat rising between your legs.</p><p>"i remember the way in which it made you moan as it was brushing up against your bare pussy as i fucked you"</p><p>you gulped, his whispers sending you into bliss. his thumb now positioning itself on top of your shaking hand that was holding the sample material, you couldn't help but lean your head back next to his. feeling his breath even more now, it was making you want him.</p><p>"and what- what else do you remember?"</p><p>testing him now, you wanted him to fuck you in this office, you wouldn't care if they could hear your whimpers and screams. you needed to be relived of this feeling, and he was the one that held the key.</p><p>"oh cherry, i remember how you made a little mess all over it, how daddy made you come twice, would you like to feel that again?"</p><p>you didn't respond with words, just a whimpered nod of your head. his thumb now trailing from your palm to your forearm, tracing your outline before running his hand down your stomach before meeting the entrance of your pussy. already sopping and beating for him.</p><p>"already wet for daddy are you?"</p><p>"y-yes"</p><p>"yes what my little cherry?"</p><p>"yes, yes daddy"</p><p>his fingers now running up and down your entrance that was still covered by your underwear, you couldn't help but jolt at his touch. the touch that you missed and ached for this past week, knowing that the amount of times you made your fingers cramp trying to fill the void, you just couldn't do it as well as he could. your legs widened so he could get better access however he never took the opportunity you were handing to him, practically on a sliver platter.</p><p>"what are you doing tonight angel?"</p><p>he whispered into your ear before slowly bitign down onto the lobe. an action that made you completely falter under him. your back arched, trying to grant yourself better stimulation from the lack of attention he was giving your clit.</p><p>"n-nothing, rey is working till tomorrow so i'm h-home alone until then."</p><p>"well consider your evening filled by me, i'll be over at seven"</p><p>as soon as the words left his mouth, he withdrew his hand from your heat, leaving you on the edge. sucking on your lobe before leaving your body cold, he wandered to the door that he fiddled to unlock.</p><p>"wear something sexy"</p><p>"you got it sir"</p><p>he winked as he left you in the conference room, pencils, sketchbooks, materials all laid across the table, the scent of desperation filling the air, infecting your work with sex.</p><p>you couldn't help but bite your lip at the thought of your night ahead, the thought of him ramming his cock into your needy pussy, his hand around your throat, the bruises left on your inner thighs. you wanted it all. you needed it all.</p><p>a gut wrenching paranoia overwhelmed your lust. sending you into a daze of morality and questions. brought on by you earlier conversation with finn. he had public dinner plans, on the first date. public. that word rang within your eardrums. kylo never did anything public. always hiding you away, inviting you over, locking the doors, acting as if you were both acquaintances in hallways or at business meetings. acting as if he didn't make you his cumslut after the endless dinners he cooked you on the counter that he also fucked you upon.</p><p>was he ashamed? or was he afraid?</p><p>the ideas running rampage in your brains nerves. you didn't know the inner workings of mr kylo ren, but you were sure going to find out tonight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. order 15 with a side of arguments</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: smol blood fetish (it's so small but!)</p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>you practically ran all the way home, knowing how messy your bedroom was. not thinking that kylo would appreciate the countless pairs of used underwear lying all over the floor, the spilled over foundation bottle on your counter top, the week old sheets or the stuffed animal that had pride of place on the king size. it was a fucking trash site. and you had little over an hour to make it look like a mentally stable persons bedroom.</p><p>hurriedly stuffing used clothes into your cabinets, wiping down the mirror that had strategic lipstick marks plastered across it, throwing out the takeout pizza boxes that somehow made their way under your bed and finally changing the satin sheets to the spare cream silk ones that were neatly packaged with the note when delivered.</p><p>you finally stopped to look at your handy work, out of breath, checking the time as you went, you had around 40 minutes. running into the kitchen you washed and piled plates and cups that had been left in the wash basin for well over two weeks, threw out the endless amount of empty wine bottles and plumped the pillows to make the apartment look more homely. you peered into rey's room, no way were you taking on that mess. quietly shutting the door and crossing your fingers that kylo wasn't in the mood for a full 'house' tour.</p><p>you had just enough time left for a quick shower and shave before he arrived. giving yourself copious amounts of cuts due to your carelessness and getting shampoo caught in your eye for what seemed like an eternity. you paused for a moment, letting yourself breathe and the water finally able to flow over your face. why were you so nervous for him to see your personal life? he new the duality of your work, your past, your present, why were you so nervous to finally let him in fully? let him into the place you called home after searching for one that would hold you in a warm embrace for years. it was like letting a stranger into your apartment and saying 'go wild'. but he wasn't a stranger; he knew you, nearly as much as rey. you left yourself go, falling onto the shower floor, cradling your legs as you tried to psych yourself up for the evening he had planned. when your heartbeat became gentle and back in rhythm, you reached and turned off the flowing droplets of water. letting the autumn breeze that was rushing in through the window, send shivers onto your exposed back, causing goosebumps to form.</p><p>slipping on your newest lingerie set over your drying body, the emerald green fabric with dark accents clung to your curves with an ease, you never liked looking at your body in the scantily outfits you wore to impress the customers. you never accepted your flaws, you hated each one. the dips in your hips, the endless trails of stretch marks and cellulite that was printed onto your thighs and waist, the way in which your body ate you up when you sat. but somehow kylo didn't care? he didn't mind that you weren't a stereotypical model who was a size 4 and worked at a fashion company purely based on her looks and not what was resonating between her ears. he was the sole provider that fuelled your confidence, rey also; who always whistled at your entrance to any room, slapped your ass or hyped your selfies up on instagram. but it wasn't until he came into your life that those insecurities were turning more into positives. you took a deep breath and looked at yourself in the mirror; skin peeking through some of the cutouts in the underwear, the sheer lace covering your nipples. the way your exposed stomach wasn't making you want to vomit for once, but instead running your hands over it, accepting your flaws and replacing them with the love in which was felt for you by others. as your fingers trailed around the curvature of your body, it was like saying a gentle 'thank you', 'thank you for keeping me alive, warm and looking fucking hot in this underwear tonight'. </p><p>you had to cover it up to hide the surprise you wanted him to feel when tearing your clothes off to expose the effort you put in for him. 'wear something sexy' was repeating in your head over and over. barley covering your whole body you went for a matching colour. pulling out a satin forest green dress that you wore to reys graduation last year, you were praying and hoping all the nights of binge eating pizza and watching pride and prejudice on repeat wouldn't effect the way your body had possibly expanded ten fold. you slipped it over your head, shimmying it all the way down, over your hips until it fit, just perfectly. or maybe a tad tight over your waist. breathing? who needs that anymore? </p><p>the slit nearly reached your heat, remembering how rey was too fascinated with the way you were looking, she nearly didn't hear her name being called to go up to collect her certificate. you were hoping it would have the same effect on kylo, or maybe even better. the length just gloating above the floor, you decided to satisfy your aching feet with some three inch black lace  heels that trailed up your calf. shoes felt necessary, not wanting him to wait if he was taking you out for a night in the city. butterflies returning to your stomach, where would he be taking you? maybe a nice restaurant? a show? it was a friday night, was he even the clubbing type? the questions running around in your head aimlessly. you nearly forgot your hair was dripping wet after applying your makeup. settling for a bold rouge lip, and subtle eyes as to not to draw away from the effort you put in to get into a dress that was maybe a little too small. blasting the hair dryer on full, you combed through the knots and stray hairs that were escaping the heat of the air pummelling your head. you glanced over at the clock, ten minutes. there was no time to curl to straighten your un-tameable hair. letting it rest in its natural state, you ruffled it in your palms before pulling it all up and fastening it with two chopsticks either side. the endless amount of takeout noodle utensils that were burrowed away in your cabinets, you had the genius idea of painting them various colours to match outfits that you could throw up into your hair. it was the only genius thought you had in the last year. </p><p>you were too busy bustling back and forth, checking the mirror, making sure you wouldn't look up and see a hideous woman staring back at you; your ears nearly blocked out the sudden soft but dominant tapping on your apartment door. you practically jumped out of your skin, inhaling a large amount of air before releasing slowly and pacing over to the door, your hand met the handle. the cold brass shivering all over your body, slowly lowering your palms weight fully onto the opening, you pulled towards you and idly looked up as the door became less and less of an obstacle between you and him. </p><p>there he was. standing with his shoulder leaning on your archway, he was dressed to match. a black tux clung to his body perfectly, accentuating his broadness and the muscle that enclosed around his biceps. classic mens dining shoes to match, a white undershirt that was shifting softly every time his breath faltered. a small bowtie finished off his intrude of elegance. one hand was behind him holding something, but your height and his was blocking the temptation that was building in you.  </p><p>"hi" </p><p>"hi" </p><p>you both smiled at each other, as if you both could finally let your guards down. you both weren't at work anymore, having to refer to each other by last names or as mutual acquaintances, you could finally say his name, speak to him, with the loving affection that your voice hushed over his eardrums. his eyes were drinking you in, skimming over every accent of your body, trailing from your eyes, to your nose, to your lips, snaking its way, brushing his gaze over your breasts, to your hips and further down. you shifted your feet with nervousness at the way he was watching you. </p><p>"you look..."</p><p>he paused, lips pursing together before making his sight connect once more with his. your heart beat skipped, waiting for his reply, thinking it would have some sexual undertone, his domaine shining through his voice box, telling you how badly he wanted to tear off all your clothes and ravish each and every part of your body. </p><p>"beautiful." </p><p>that wasn't the reply you thought you would get from him. it made you feel warm, that you were seen, finally seen. not just gawked over, or used as something to get off to. you felt truly seen. he wasn't subtly degrading you in the way he spoke, no hidden lustful tones, it felt true. like he meant every sound, syllable and word that left his lips. </p><p>"and so do you" </p><p>his eyebrows sort of burrowed at your response that fell through your lips without mulling in your brain. </p><p>"oh uh, not beautiful, i-i mean handsome, you look handsome" </p><p>you gave a slight giggle, trying to fill the awkwardness at the fact you still hadn't invited him inside. </p><p>"why thank you angel" </p><p>"oh so, where are we go-"</p><p>before you could finish your sentence of inquiry, he pulled the hidden arm around from his back, palm and fingers grasping a chinese takeout bag. you could feel the warmth through the plastic, smells filling your senses, his finger dangled it in front of you. practically drooling, all you had eaten today was a granola bar and banana on your very small lunch break window. </p><p>"i thought i'd bring the night out to us" </p><p>"so we are going to eat chinese takeout, on my couch, in fancy attire?"</p><p>"thats the plan" </p><p>"that's the plan" </p><p>you gestured him in, his body squeezing past yours, hanging around for a minute, his chest pressing up against you, was he trying to make you feral before dinner? you were hungry for two meals now. </p><p>you saw him wander in slowly, circling around your living room/kitchen, his shoulders began to relax, maybe the cosiness of the small square apartment you could afford was all the he needed that the echoing cold space of his couldn't. he was eyeing your photos on the coffee table, you and rey at her graduation, a stupid picture mo took after a shift at the diner, rey and you feeding each other fries and the final one was a photo of you and her around 4 years old, both sat in each mothers laps, her fingers pointing for you to look at the camera, but you only responding by grabbing her neck for comfort. you heart sunk. you forgot to hide that one. always bringing back painful memories, you didn't want him to think and share the same feeling after your confession a few weeks ago. he stood back up, making his way over to the kitchen counter. emptying the contents of the bag onto the counter. noodles, fortune cookies, rice, everything your body was craving was laid out in front of you. </p><p>"oh, i have wine somewhere! did you want a glass?" </p><p>"yeah sure" </p><p>his eyes meeting yours as he licked his finger after some stray sauce must have escaped out of the side of one of the packaging. never leaving your gaze, you watched as his tongue trailed over his finger, sinking down and pulling back. you stopped in your tracks, he was surely testing you now. </p><p>"angel? the wine?" </p><p>"oh yeah, uh sorry" </p><p>you wouldn't let him have his fun without including you in his sexual tensioned game. reaching for the glasses and the wine, you crossed over to him, draping you body in front of his, giving him a full view of your back, you sunk down, nearly at his groin. </p><p>"sorry, need to just grab the bottle opener" </p><p>you rummaged in the draw, hands clasping round it, slowly coming back up off the floor, your eyes trained his. he was watching you the whole time, your other hand met his forearm for stability, before caressing it as a sign of 'thank you'. you bit your lip and stood in front of him, not caring that you blocked him off from the food that he laid out, your ass passed against his front and you poured the glasses with the cold contents of wine. you felt a soft sinister chuckle leave his lips at your obvious actions. turning around you handed him a glass. </p><p>"shall we eat?" </p><p>"we shall" </p><p>clinking your glasses in agreement, you both sunk yourselves onto the couch, gazing at the feast you had in front of you. </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>you didn't know if it was the sexual tension or the wine influencing both your minds but you found yourselves in the bedroom pretty quickly. </p><p>throwing you on the bed, and ripping the dress off you with no hesitation, you could tell he wasn't in the 'take it slow' type of mood tonight. not seeing each other for nearly two weeks, clearly made him ravenous for you. his eyes glinted at the lingerie set that his discovered under the dress that was torn and on your floor already. becoming aback a bit, he stopped for a second, eyes wandering round the entirety of your now breathless body.</p><p>"did you do all this for daddy?"</p><p>you didn't respond, just nodding and pouting your head and eyes, you saw him shake his head slowly before meeting his lips to yours with full force. moans escaping both your mouths as the tension that was finally being taken care of. his tongue carefully slipping into yours, intertwining, causing you to sink deeper into his kiss and resting your back further into the mattress. </p><p>his lips began to trail down your body from your jaw, to your nipples. his teeth began to tug and play with them, pulling them between, causing you to cry out muffled whimpers at the aggressiveness in which he was making you crumble under him. his hands snaked to your hips, digging his fingers into the sides, planting you firmly under him, giving you no room to squirm at the way he was making your body react so sensitively. his grunts vibrating over your skin, making your whole body shiver in anticipation. one hand leaving the grasp of your hip, and toying at the entrance to your heat, running two fingers over the covered entrance. slowly making you want him more, his eyes met with yours that were in desperation. he smirked before returning to your breasts. fingers sliding to the fabric, he didn't waste anytime and ploughed his fingers into you. you yelped at the sudden lust. back arching and body convulsing at the way he worked in you, thumb finding your nub running slow circles over it. the moans that were leaving your mouth had no volume button. he began to test you, slipping in the third digit, the stretch becoming brutal but your hips bucking to his touch, your neck arched upwards, head leaving the comfort of the bed, you were close. </p><p>"come for me angel. come on my fingers" </p><p>his words sent you into bliss, your body was reacting with pure pleasure, the aftershocks overfilling your mind and mouth, his mouth never leaving you alone, the purple marks starting to form over your upper body. your legs closed around his hand, trying desperately to hold onto any lasting euphoria before plummeting back down onto the mattress. </p><p>he didn't wait for you to regain your breathing pattern before ramming his cock into you, you forgot how it made your pussy stretch. a mixture of pain and pleasure took over your whole body, making you wrap your legs around him, trapping him between your thighs. </p><p>"mmm this is what it feels like after not having you for a whole week" </p><p>you finally spoke, his eyes met with yours, pulling your bottom lip in between his teeth, sending a rush of blood to the cut that was made on your lip. fuelling you even more your mouth attacked his, the blood mingling in both, the iron taste soaking up on your tongues that were fighting again each other with aggression now. </p><p>he was working you faster, his hands slapping the sides of your hips, fingers kneading at your already abused breasts, you could tell he was about to come and you were too. both meeting eyes again, no words had to be spoken, sending each other into the shocks of pent up sex. grunts leaving his mouth while screams left yours. sweat dripping and gliding against your body that were still hitting against one another. he rode you out until you pushed against him as a sign that you couldn't handle anymore. falling next to you, no words were spoken. just the noise of breathless sighs filled the room until you rolled over to face him. his eyes were shut, hands lay flat again his exposed chest. your hand went to intertwine your with his, he accepted it but with some hesitation. a coldness approached, and filled him. you heart beginning to sink at the fact that the loving kylo that brought you chinese food and put your pleasure before his was retreating and beginning to twist into the detached man you once knew. </p><p>no, no. you knew you couldn't lose this moment to his emotions.</p><p>you had to question him. why did he never look at you properly after sex? why did he act as if without the safety of four walls that were closed off from the world you were a stranger to him? what was with him and never holding your hand in the street? never even taking you out onto a street? hiding whatever relationship you had with him from the world? </p><p>tears started to form at the possibilities. </p><p>"ky? can i- i ask you a question?" </p><p>you didn't get a response, just a subtle 'hmm' came out of his closed lips. </p><p>"are you.. are you ashamed of me or something?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. bathtubs and invitations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"what?" </p><p>"are you ashamed of me?" </p><p>"why would you think that?"</p><p>his voice was becoming more harsh with each backhand your voice gave to him, he was clenching his fists, grabbing at the sheets, you were scared but you had to know why the secrecy. </p><p>"because-" </p><p>you got cut off. how would you word the way he made you feel? the way in which you felt like the only woman he had ever locked eyes onto, the way his body when brushing up against yours made your nerves ignite in sparks of lust. how he made you feel wanted. seen. </p><p>but at the same time, made you feel numb and cold. you were there for his pleasure alone, and left to wipe away his marks after he was done using you. a simple 'sorry' had you running back into those conflicting arms. your tongue eager for his, no matter the consequences. </p><p>your hesitation was getting the better of you. </p><p>he got out of the bed, agitated that it was taking you far too long to tell him your troubles, he was reaching for the door handle before the vowels finally left your lips. not letting him leave you again without him hearing the way in which your heart was breaking with every hum of your words. </p><p>"because, you treat me like shit."</p><p>his hand tightened on the handle, chin turning over his shoulder, his eyes faced on the wall, not wanting to look at the way you were desperate for some flicker of his humanity. </p><p>"you- you make me insane. one minute you can't keep your hands off me, buy me nice gifts, cook me fucking dinner, fuck me like no one could ever fuck me. but then you seem to not even acknowledge my presence unless we are in the privacy of four fucking walls. takeouts, locked doors. are you ashamed of people seeing me with you? because- because" </p><p>"just say it" </p><p>his tone was faltering, tension was building behind his words, he was trying to suppress the anger that was clearly getting the better of him. </p><p>"because i'm a fucking stripper?"</p><p>he turned to you, his body inhaling aggressively, staring you down. tears started to form and brim, trying to control your emotions was impossible. he didn't even have to reply, his face said it all. the way his brows furrowed, the way he said yes without speaking one letter. his head tilted, looking confused at your outburst of melancholy. you clutched the sheets, acting them as a tissue, tears dampened the cream satin, leaving patches of sorrow sprawled across were you lay. he didn't move to comfort you, just watched as your limbs gave way, giving yourself into the embarrassment and guilt of not being good enough for him. </p><p>"no-" </p><p>he spoke finally. you raised your head, eyes red and puffy, nose running, combining that with the sex that was left over your appearance, you knew your exterior wasn't the most attractive he had seen it in. he moved slowly, perching on the end of the sheet, his large palm caressing the sheets fabric. head not looking at you, only staring down as if what he was about to tell you was too sensitive for his hazel irises to even attempt to gaze into yours. </p><p>"i - i want you to come with me." </p><p>a state of shock reigned over your dazed face. </p><p>"w-where?"</p><p>"the stupid christmas party that the tux is for. if you feel so strongly that i never take you out, then come with me" </p><p>"but-" </p><p>you hesitated at his offer or lack of. emotions running rampid in your mind. he didn't answer your question fully, just gave you a 'get out of jail free' card to stop pestering him with your neediness. </p><p>"well? what do you fucking want? i'm asking you to accompany me because you're whining and your hesitating about accepting the invitation?" </p><p>his voice was raising a bar with each word, the vexation was clear in his face, the pursing of his lips, the tighten of his grip around the sheets, the loose strays of salvia that left his angered mouth. you didn't know your answer, paranoia fuelled your mind, how would you act there? how would he introduce you? would he even acknowledge you? you answered out of fear, not out of want. </p><p>"y-yes, i'll go. thank you" </p><p>responding as quick as possible, body limping after, a sign of defeat, his dominance reigning victorious again. you looked as he ran his digits through his hair, looking flustered that you accepted his offer, like he wanted to take it back. you could sense he was already embarrassed to take you, embarrassed about what people would think, or wonder. why a dumb fashion student was seen on his arm, who clearly lacked experience of the world in which he lived in. you needed some air, some space, you got out of the bed before he could answer back and walked barefoot to the bathroom. </p><p>running a bath for yourself, you stripped and got in, not caring about what he was doing or if he was still even here with you. you sunk lower into the tub, placing your head into the water until it was fully engulfed by the liquid, you stayed under for a second. trying to clear your thoughts, regain a sense of normalcy and consciousness. when you lifted yourself upwards again, running your hands over your eyes and hair before opening, you almost screamed at the sight of him sat next to the bathtub, watching your every move. </p><p>"i'm sorry for shouting earlier, i do want you to come" </p><p>you couldn't understand the words that left his mouth, partially because your ears were blocked with water but the other due to the way he felt remorseful at the way he acted with you moments before. </p><p>"it's okay, i really appreciate you asking me, i would love to join you" </p><p>your wet palm met the side of his face, you felt his cheek brush up against it, he wasn't flinching at your sensitive touch, his guard was down almost. maybe he was going to let you in? attach some sort of emotion to you? you couldn't tell, his face numb from any sign that you could grasp onto. it wasn't until his hand snaked over the side of the tub, eyes still fixated on yours, you felt his palm begin to knead your breast. you sunk back into the bath, letting you back rest on the cold porcelain and neck hang over the edge. you knew that was closest you were getting to seeing raw emotion from him. for now, he resulted to what he new best, sexual pleasure. </p><p>hand still kneading your breast, you felt as he tugged your nipple between his digits, making you let out a sigh of desire as he pinched and squeezed. your chest was rising due to the magnetic touch he had against you, you were too busy being engulfed in a hazed state to feel his other hand trickle down your body into the water. making your body physically whimper at his strokes until he found your pounding entrance. it had only been a couple of hours since your last fuck but you were desperate for him again. finger skimming over your opening, you felt a warm breath abrading your ear. </p><p>"did you really mean what you said?" </p><p>you opened your eyes in a state of confusion, mind blurry to even reminisce over what he could be going on about. your eyebrows burrowed, his dark irises drinking yours in. he sucked on your lobe before whispering warm tones of honey into your ear. </p><p>"that no one could fuck you like i do" </p><p>you whimpered as he pushed into you, the combination of his fast paced pulses and the water, aiding you on, letting out small moans as he fucked you with his fingers. you nodded and bit your lip at his words. as soon as you got comfortable and in a rhythm, he stopped, pulling out of you and grabbing your jaw until it was wide open, before you could answer to the lack of pressure, his spit entered your mouth without another second going by. </p><p>"swallow slut" </p><p>his tone changed, you feared his motives but were driven by the craze that he was addicted to. you obeyed his command and swallowed his warm salvia, feeling it run down the back of your throat, the heat in your core was rising to an uncontrollable state. </p><p>"i asked you a question, and i expect an answer"</p><p>before your mouth was free from the pressure in which his hand held it ajar, a piercing slap landed on your nipples, sending you into a state of lustful pain, moaning in satisfaction, he took it as his invitation to replay his action across your other breast. nipples writhing in a sting of heat. </p><p>"answer daddy now" </p><p>he let your jaw go, feeling stiff as his hand left your cheeks, you nodded again, making sure your eyes were locked onto each other, you finally gave him a response. </p><p>"no one has fucked me like you" </p><p>he didn't seem satisfied with your attempt at pleasure. </p><p>"say it again" </p><p>you could see his bulge forming under his sweatpants, making your pussy ache for that deep feeling in your core to be filled by it, you wanted it badly, so you had to beg. </p><p>"no one has ever fucked me like daddy does, oh god, please fuck me" </p><p>he smirked at your embarrassing attempt to get your own way. a glint in his eyes seemed to somehow accept the poor implore. his hands resumed position, driving three of his digits into you now, quickening his pace with every pump, dragging you closer and closer to the edge. you were about to come, feeling your legs begin to shake under the water, droplets rippling over you thighs as they desperately tried to surface the water in the reaction to the way he circled your clit with ease. </p><p>suddenly you heard his cell ring. the euphoria that was encompassing you, ready to send you into a state of bliss was ruined. he snatched his hand out of the water, chuckling to himself as if he wanted to spoil your orgasm, he drew the phone up to his ear. </p><p>"what is it?" </p><p>you lay in the water, crossing your arms in frustration. he chose a fucking work call over this. angry didn't even come to par with the emotions that were running through your unsatisfied body. you heard him hum to mostly every muffled sentence that was being repeated back to him. he could sense the disappointment in your face, with his free hand he caressed your cheek, making his way down to your nipples once more, trying to apologise with small grazes over your them, you couldn't escape the need that was still prominent in your mind. your orgasm might have been ruined, but that didn't lull the taste in which you wanted him. </p><p>before you could settle back into the familiarity of his touch, he stood up, placing his phone back into his pocket, sending out his hand to aid you out of the bath and wrapping you into a towel. his kissed your forehead before rubbing both hands over your shoulders, his eyes filled with a sort of sorrow. </p><p>"i have to go, there's a work problem. i'll make-"</p><p>"you'll make it up to me, you promise?"</p><p>finishing his sentence the way you recited the lyrics to your favourite song, you were used to the disappointment by now. you didn't have the energy to beg him to stay. raising your feet and chin until you were on your tiptoes, he accepted your pouting lips onto his for a brief second. </p><p>"sorry angel, i'll see you soon." </p><p>and before you could respond, he was gone, grabbing his clothes from the bedroom, you heard the flick of the handle and the front door shutting. you weren't mad, you walked over to the mirror, wiping away the excess steam and smirking at your reflection. </p><p>finally. he was going to take you out, properly. he was finally going to let the world see you on his arm.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. bruised egos</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: alcohol, drugs </p><p>you hadn't seen kylo physically for what was nearly another week; whatever the phone call was about had kept him distracted and away from your touch for too long. when daydreaming at work while idly sketching away ideas for the next years spring collection, you couldn't help but let your mind wander. what did he even do for a living? he owned a large share in the fashion house but that surely wasn't his only claim to the abundance of wealth in which he radiated. he vacated to strip clubs, bought a rooftop apartment for one and ordered you new furnishings; businessman? was the only thing your dumb mind could think of. business in what exactly? you didn't know. writing a mental note to ask him the next time your eyes locked onto his; knowing that as soon as his lips were warming yours, your mind would be blank and your various intrusive questions would fade away. </p><p>poe was looking extremely happy while grazing his finger over your desk divider; typical coffee was slotted into his hand and your couldn't help but stare at the name that was written on the cup. </p><p>'poe bear &lt;3'</p><p>before he could speak, you butted in before him. </p><p>"i'm guessing my favourite barista is now taken?"</p><p>"you guess correctly doll !" </p><p>the clear wash of affection and pure happiness filled his face entirely; smiling from brim to brim, his eyes creasing into a vision of pure contentment, he even let out a little chuckle of embarrassment at how in love he was. you wished you could feel like that with kylo. wanting your own eyes to brim with adoration, the way your feet would practically skip into work after waking up next to him every morning, excited to get your day over and done with so you could go home to him just to cook, fuck, sleep and repeat. your mind was wandering again; toning out the blank verses in which were pertruding from poe's lips in front of you. you started to nod in a desperate attempt to join back into the conversation; but he knew your weren't listening, with a quick height in his pitch and change of subject you were back to focusing. </p><p>"anyways, fridays from now on are 'work at home' days, so i'll send you an itinerary of tasks that i expect in by the end of the day, or for my favourite intern, on my desk by monday. speaking of monday, the team is finally finished with mr ren's tux so you'll be tackling any alterations needed. the event is in two weeks so it will have to be a tight turn around"</p><p>two weeks</p><p>you didn't realise that you'd be on his arm, meeting copious amounts of his 'co-workers', 'bosses' and other peers in less than fourteen days. the way his arm would be hovered over your lower back, guiding you to and fro, maybe his hand would meet your thigh as you sat, admiring the aura of your first outing together. it made your heart flutter with anticipation and dread. making another mental note to text rey, asking if she was free to do a bit of light shopping on your now free friday. you definitely had no extravagant clothes to suit for the sort of winter occasion he would be taking you to. </p><p>watching as poe set you down a note pad full of tasks to complete, you couldn't have pulled your phone out of the pocket of your dress quick enough, thumb skimming over the screen until it pressed and found reys name. </p><p>URGENT! you, me, shopping, friday? kylo taking me to some swanky event</p><p> </p><p>she was texting back instantly, the ding of your notification probably lulling her out of a epitome of sleep she was held under. </p><p>fine, on one condition </p><p> </p><p>and what is that ? </p><p> </p><p>rose gets to come </p><p> </p><p>your heart was full of happiness for her. rey and rose had now been dating for two weeks and they were practically joined at the hip for every hour of everyday. she would bring rey dinner in the middle of her night shifts after her own shift at the cherry plaza. both would stumble in around dawn, yawning or moaning as they entered the apartment? you could never tell and quite frankly didn't want to find out. they would always be in a spooning position as you crept into their room to kiss them both on the forehead before leaving for work. they would sometimes bake during the day, and leave small notes next to the treats for you as you unlocked the door to another empty evening in the apartment. at least she was finally happy. she finally found her person. those hours spent alone at night, just you, the baked goods and trusty old netflix would fill the loneliness in your heart, just to make sure she was seen and loved in a way you could never. </p><p> </p><p>of course she can come! </p><p>good, also we are taking you out friday night, no buts or if's. ITS HAPPENING </p><p>if you insist... i guess</p><p>huffing and sinking your back further onto your chair, you slid your phone back into your pocket and continued aimlessly sketching until it was closing time </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>you didn't realise how tiring it would be shopping with both rose and rey that friday afternoon. you must have looked physically pissed at how cuddly and pda they were due to the fact rose took her queue and went to grab you all an iced tea while you were sifting through what must have been the millionth rack of clothes in the millionth store your feet had wandered into that afternoon. rey always had a tendency to pick out something more sophisticated, normally consisting of a blazer and some tailored pants, you shot her down time, after time. maturity wasn't on the cards; her two year age gap always made you feel like a child when shopping. you, always picking out what a high school cheerleader who had a house party on a saturday night would want to be gawked at in and her always choosing the more 'yes i am a businesswoman, no i am not married' aesthetic. while your interest was depleting rapidly, a vibration came from the inside of your handbag. you rummaged around through old receipts, gum wrappers, tampons and condoms (hey, you never knew when a moment was going to arise) you found the brightness of your screen.</p><p>it was him. </p><p>it made you immediately inhale an in burst of energy. sure you'd text and called a few times after the whole bathtub fiasco, but it was always you who made the first move, the first text, the first dial of his number. it felt different when he chose to reach out to you. </p><p>how's 'working from home?'</p><p>how did you know? </p><p>i basically run the company, of course i know </p><p>you could imagine him letting out a small chuckle and hidden smirk appearing on his smug face as he replied to your questions. you sent an attachment of rey drinking iced tea while holding hands with rose, who was skimming past the dresses. </p><p>working from home is going great if it consists of third wheeling and trying to find a dress for this event your taking me to in TWO WEEKS! </p><p>ouch, looks painful if you ask me. maybe this will make it better? </p><p>you frowned at his response  confused by the meaning of his text message. until a notification swung down on the header of your screen. it was your banking app. </p><p>new transaction from ren: $1000</p><p>you practically choked on the iced tea in your mouth</p><p>you did not</p><p>oh but i did, chose something in black</p><p>you've got it.. sir, but ky you really didn't have to</p><p>please, i look forward to tearing it off your body </p><p>you smirked at his message before leaving him on read and slotting the phone back into the mess that was your handbag. practically skipping over to rey and rose now, you looked much happier than before at the visual sight of their affection. </p><p>"was that iced tea spiked? because why are you suddenly smiling?" </p><p>rey joked with you, and rose laughed but nudged at her shoulder that was just above her head height.</p><p>"well, lets just say a certain man may have given me a little boost financially" </p><p>rose knew what you meant, she had previously had some financial engagements with customers and frequently came to work with a new bag from louis vuitton. rey stood puzzled at what both of you knew. </p><p>"babe, he just sent her some money" </p><p>"o-ohhhhh i get it now. wow i'm starting to like this man, only slightly though. he is still on my 'kill all men' list" </p><p>you laughed and wrapped your arm around her neck, and with the other scuffing up her hair even though you had to practically stand on your tiptoes to even reach the top of her head. </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>"i liked the first one" </p><p>"no i liked the second one" </p><p>you could hear rose and rey arguing on the other side of the fabric that was hiding your naked body from them. you chuckled at the already marital bickering that was happening. did you have the heart to tell them neither? reys choice was a mid thigh length, beige satin number that had an exposed back with small straps, draping over your cleavage, it was accompanied with a small slit that was bound to expose a bit more than thigh that evening. rose's option was a lot softer; opting for a floor length pink blossom coloured off the shoulder ballgown; it felt a little too disney princess for what was sure a black tie event and not a sweet sixteen. </p><p>you had your option left. and what could you say, third time is a charm. slotting it over your body perfectly, ruffling and smoothing the fabric until it sat nicely on your curves, you took a deep breath and looked at yourself in the mirror. you were astonished, for you never truly believed that you could look somewhat decent in a dress that would normally be way out of your pricing. you loved it. before taking a second thought, you drew back the curtain. their faces hung open in shock. </p><p>"wow" </p><p>they both said in unison. </p><p>"that's definitely the one" </p><p>"definitely" </p><p>they agreed and finished each other sentences. you walked over to the pedestal and gazed into the fuller length mirror. it was a black mesh; the bodice mimicking a corset, the harsh black lines sculpted into a bra type structure over your breasts, lines streaming down the seams and central front until meeting with the lower half. more mesh gathered together into a floor length apparel, draping just above your ankles, an a line structure formed, hugging to your assets up top, or lack of, while allowing your body to breathe underneath. you twirled around to make sure it was danceable, not that kylo posed to be the dancing type. you nearly didn't notice the two slits that formed on both sides, trailing up the top of your thigh. </p><p>easily accessible, you thought to yourself, giggling under your breathe.  </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>before cashing out, rose tempted you with a pair of black heels that snaked around your ankle, not being able to say no to her pouty face, you reluctantly found your size before going to pay. </p><p>$1500 </p><p>you nearly died at the price in which you handed over to the bougie boutique you found yourself in, feeling guilty at the waste of both yours and his money. you clutched the bags with all your life, it was enough to pay for your half of the rent. money that could have been put to good use was laying limp under gift wrap and an endless roll of receipt. </p><p>you were so tired that you almost forgot about the night that rose and rey had already planned for you. rose managed to get intact with her local supply and pulled the pills of molly out of her bag as soon as you were all ready. rey was dressed in a short cocktail dress, unusual to see her in something that wasn't mature, knowing that it was roses doing. while she was dressed up in a low-cut playsuit, that exposed her cleavage under your kitchen lighting perfectly, in a pastel lilac which complimented her flowing hair and dark auburn eyes nicely. you were pictured in another cocktail dress, however this time not black or emerald green, it was a deep rouge, a mesh fabric ruffled the material, hugging your curves while hiding your insecurities. </p><p>downing a shot of vodka along with the small pill, you were being dragged out the door before you could take a second look at your appearance. </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>the neon lighting vibrating through your entire body, the sweat already forming at the back of your neck, your palms sweaty from the intake of alcohol and ketamine that rey smuggled in her bra. you needed to breathe, slow down, you could feel your heart race, it was muting the music that was trying to penetrate your eardrums, the rhythm of your own beat and the music creating some sort of dance together in your mind. </p><p>you found rey and rose who were practically ready to tear each others clothes off and pointed to the door before dragging two fingers to your lips in a smoking gesture. they nodded and let you go out alone. </p><p>stumbling out to the red lighted smoking area, your shaking hands found the contents of your bag and pulled out a cigarette from your pack. trying to rummage with blurry vision for a lighter that you surely forgot to pack was more difficult than it seemed. </p><p>"fuck"</p><p>you huffed at your own stupid disappointment. </p><p>"need a light hun?" </p><p>a tall figure waded over to your helpless cries to aid your addictions. she was beautiful, for what your eyes could focus on, not being able to make out features fully, you could tell her dress was in an icy silver, her skin was pale but not a deathly look like yours was and her hair was blonde, however was tied up with partial flurries that framed her face. </p><p>you lifted the cigarette and placed it in-between your lips before hearing the familiar sound of the lighter igniting, you inhaled and sunk back into the feeling of comfort, regaining your strength and soothing out your restless heartbeat. </p><p>"thanks" </p><p>"no worries, you come here alone?" </p><p>"oh no, my friends dragged me out, probably as payback for me dragging them out to look for a dress for an event i have coming up" </p><p>"oh sounds like payback alright" </p><p>"yeah you can say that again" </p><p>"an event you say? tell me about it !"</p><p>before you could stop yourself you felt your whole life story flashing before your eyes, telling this anonymous stranger about your past, your enrolment into college, your break as an intern, meeting a very handsome man, who was quite frankly fucking you around. </p><p>she aimlessly nodded at all the words you said, understanding that you would never breathe this many words to her if you were sober. </p><p>"seems like you have a lot of issues to sort out dear" </p><p>"you betcha!" </p><p>before you could ask her anything about her life, reys hands intertwined with your free one and dragged you away, pulling you back into the club, hitting dancers and drinkers until you were back out onto the main street. you saw rose huddled over a bush, throwing up what looked like was the iced tea and your afternoon brunch. you both rushed to her side, small circles being drawn over her back by rey, you grabbed her hair. what messes you all were. you called for a cab that arrived just past two am. you pulled rose out of the greenery and into the backseat, letting her nuzzle her weak self into reys chest while you gave the cab driver directions. </p><p>partially falling into the apartment, you didn't care to take off you makeup, heels or dress. just slumping onto the memory foam, you felt the weight of the two others joining you. still in a hazed mindset, you were too tired to argue about personal space, allowing the much needed company they were trying to give you. after a few seconds went by, you were all spooning each other, smelling of a mixture of vomit, tequila and smoke. you fell asleep, head nuzzled into the pillow that still smelled like him, wishing he was the one that was tucking you in after a night that went a little too hard, too quickly. </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>- </p><p>monday morning came with a blink of an eye. you spent saturday and sunday slumped on the couch with your laptop. hungover for nearly the two days post, the brightness of the screen stung to look at. but you knew poe was being generous with your gifted deadline of tasks. you powered through, aided by the relief of migraine tablets and takeout pizza. </p><p>you stumbled into work early, a mixture of excitement and dread filling over you. today was the day you got to see him again, after spending the weekend with rey and rose, you were feeling touch starved to say the least, hoping that there wasn't many alterations to be made and that you could lock the door and have your own private meeting for a few minutes. </p><p>poe didn't need to tell you he was here. you plopped the work on his desk and carried the two coffees to the fitting room, sliding the door handle down with your elbow, you saw him resting his arms on his knees, phone typing away in hand. the only thing different about him was the pair of sunglasses positioned on his face. unusual but not surprising you tumbled in. </p><p>"well goodmorning" </p><p>"long time no see" </p><p>you handed him the cardboard cup before placing a kiss on the top of his head. practically shaking off your tote and sketchpad, you found the suit and unzipped it from its casing. it looked impeccable, truly his style. you heard him get up and walk behind you, his hand finding the dent in your lower back, you wanted to see his face, his whole face. those dark hazel honey irises melting into yours. </p><p>you turned around, and placed your lips onto his. moaning at the anticipated and awaited connection, sinking further and further in. eyes still closed, your hand moved up to his glasses and slowly withdrew them from his face. pulling back, you were left in shock. </p><p>a purple and black ring was left surrounding his right eye, hints of yellow encompassing on the rigid surface, he looked embarrassed and ashamed at your discovery. your finger tips grazed over it, making him hiss at the gentle pressure. </p><p>"what - what happened?"</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. cigarettes and lunch dates</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>his hiss was ingrained into your mind, a show of weakness? pain? embarrassment? whatever it was you somehow felt more connected as your hand hovered over his cheek, his eyes were shut and reflecting your touch.</p><p>"what-what happened?"</p><p>you couldn't help but repeat your question, voice trembling and fingers buckling as well. your heart broke with his, who could have hurt him? why could someone? what was he hiding from you?</p><p>"its nothing"</p><p>he was acting detached. different. he wasn't his usual emotionally cold self. his aura that was invading your personal space felt numb. the quick brush off of your cry of horror rung pain through your eardrums. you weren't going to let him suffer, keep his private life hidden from you. you wanted to know everything, who he was, what he did and especially who hurt him.</p><p>"it's not nothing ky, it's a fucking black eye"</p><p>"i told you its nothing, now can we get started"</p><p>he pushed your hand that was still connected to his face away, his touch feeling aggravated by your own agitation. he reached above you to grasp his fingers around the metal coat hanger that was holding his newly finished suit for him. his eyes examined it, never once showing a sign of acceptance or rejection. he went into the nearest fitting room, leaving you in a state of shock. you couldn't sit down, you kept pacing up and down, heels making confused noises on the hardwood floor.</p><p>"you should really save your walking for after the meeting"</p><p>you were perplexed by the growl of tone that permeated through the fabric curtain that was directed solely at you. before you could respond, he drew back the curtain and walked towards you, buttoning up the freshly ironed suit jacket. it fit him perfectly, no alterations were needed. it clung to his broad back like a glove, his arms snaking well into the sleeves. the shirt peeking through the window of the jacket, allowing you to see the familiar sight of his breathe move up and down. the small handkerchief in his right pocket, black satin. matched the bow tie that was superbly tied. he obviously had experience with them. the trousers loosely fitting around his legs, hiding those thighs that held so much power over you, and that one other body part that made you eager to discover once more.</p><p>you were too busy drinking in his appearance, trying to lull the sudden ache in your core when his finger connected with the end of your chin making you look directly into those hazel irises.</p><p>"i'm taking you out to lunch angel"</p><p>"r-really?"</p><p>you let out a small giggle of excitement and irony. had your confession worked? he was finally taking you out? for lunch? the mundane task of grabbing a sandwich and coffee during your hour lunch break with him sounded hilarious to you. it was so normal. there was no fancy attire, just you in your black ripped jeans, laced cami and cardigan. where would he even take you? surely his idea of lunch wasn't the same as your typical street vender deli sandwich. you were thinking of how he would probably enjoy some extravagant three course continental brunch option, that had separate menus for both lunch and dinner.</p><p>his thumb caressed your bottom lip, you reacted with a slight sigh and pout of your mouth. you'd missed his touch, but what was new? you missed him as soon as he walked out of any room you were in. the invisible comfort and confidence he aided you with, depleted time after time. sure calling him soothed your ears with his husk voice, but it wasn't the same as hearing it whisper something lustful in your ear.</p><p>"yes, you worked hard getting the suit perfect so, think of it as a gift for your hard work"</p><p>his tone seemed professional, not like the man who brought you takeout in a three piece and fucked you a few weeks ago. but you weren't going to let your paranoia ruin your day, sure he might seem a bit closed off but at least he was here, and you were able to spend time with him. his thumb was resting over your lip for a little while longer while you both stared into each other's eyes, the tension was relentless. suddenly his lips fell onto yours, an aggression behind the intent, he didn't think twice before eating you up. his tongue pressing against your teeth waiting for permission until you allowed it. both of your wetness' were intertwining, you could taste and smell the reminiscence of smoke on his lips. you could tell being a smoker yourself. anybody could have. however, you never profiled him for one? you pulled away and so did he.</p><p>"didn't put you down for a smoker?"</p><p>you said while running your hands trying to smooth down the hair that his hands were just running his callous fingers through. tugging and pulling on the back, holding your stance opposite his.</p><p>"eh it's the occasional"</p><p>you knew the way he was brushing off your question that he only smoked when he was stressed. and of course it had to do with the beaten mark that was left on his sculpted face.</p><p>he returned to the fitting room, your lips still aching for more, the kiss was a start but your body was screaming for his touch. before you could think, your feet made the decision for you, walking over to the dressing room cubicle, you drew back the curtain and slipped yourself into the narrow box with him. he was intimidating when you were in open spaces. but now that you were practically in a box, he was daunting. his height felt almost like it was doubling yours, the same way alice shrunk after drinking the potion in wonderland, you began to drop to your knees. his frame encompassing your vision, and the bright light of the stall was shining down onto you.</p><p>"angel-"</p><p>"shhh, no one is going to come in"</p><p>"pretty reckless of you, don't you think?"</p><p>"oh come on, you like when i'm reckless"</p><p>you started to unzip his pants, hand finding the sides you began to pull them down, all of a sudden he stopped you. pulling out his semi hard cock for you, you got to work. looking up occasionally as your hand pumped up and down his length, seeing a smirk branded across his face. you knew that was your queue.</p><p>you teased him by running you tongue along, circling the head but never wrapping your mouth around him. growls were starting to rumble out of his mouth. impatient at the occurrence of your bratty mood he grabbed the back of your head with both hands and forced you down onto his cock.</p><p>you knew you were being too arrogant, you gagged and sputtered at the feeling of him hit the back of your throat. spit was drooling down the sides as his relentless to and fro actions were filling you up. you could sense his stress and agitation in the way he was treating you, but you didn't mind it. you liked the way his cock filled your mouth, fucking it raw and making you remember who owns it.</p><p>it wasn't long before the hot shot of come was strung down the back of your throat, letting your hair go, you could hear muffled grunts coming from above you. swallowing what you could and trying coat your fingers and sucking them dry with the rest. his hand extended as an aid to help you up.</p><p>a few fallen strands of his hair were across his face, dangling just below his brow, he looked handsome that way. a little rugged touch made your heart flutter.</p><p>"someone's hungry?"</p><p>"oh i'm ravenous"</p><p>your flirty accent was prominent today, you didn't know when your next appointment or text would come from him, every second counted. you had to make him remember you, the deep route of abandonment still held you hostage. you knew on the surface that he knew who you were, the way in which he fucked you, how could someone forget? but deep down, you were still afraid it would all come to an end by new year.</p><p>"well then let's get you some food shall we ?"</p><p>he smirked as he pulled back the curtain and ushered with his hand for you to walk out first. looking into the mirror before leaving, making sure your lipstick was still in tact and you hair wasn't ruined. you pulled down the handle and walked out the door. <br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-</p><p>going to lunch with kylo wasn't the usual for you. he took you to a restaurant that was only a few blocks from the office. when walking in you could tell you weren't dressed for the environment. mostly men were sat around large round tables, talking over numbers or data? your brain mulled over the grossness of mathematics. a few women were dotted around but all a lot older than you and presented in pantsuits or mature blouses and knee length skirts. your heels were probably the only thing passable about your outfit.</p><p>"the usual table sir?"</p><p>a waiter sprung up in front of both of you, taking you by surprise.</p><p>"yes of course"</p><p>the young boy took you through a parting, away from the bustling conversations of middle aged men and women. a private booth greeted you, dimly lit with autumnal lighting and the accompaniment of soothing acoustic music, you sunk into the cosiness of space. placing menu cards in-front of you, he nodded before leaving you two alone.</p><p>"i guess you come here often?"</p><p>trying to make small talk with kylo wasn't something you thought you'd be doing today. but you were up for the slighting scary challenge of trying to act normal around him.</p><p>"most days yes"</p><p>he wasn't looking at you, just skimming his eyes over the options. you followed his actions, why was everything so fancy? it was only lunchtime? you would have been happy with a street pretzel and a stroll in central park. but you were choosing between various amounts of pasta dishes, salads and soups. all extremely priced for what it was depicting.</p><p>thirty dollars for a soup. you've got to be fucking kidding me. you get the same one at trader joes for a dollar. you were definitely out of your element. before you could mull over the awkward silence and your options anymore, the waiter returned with a note pad and pen at the ready.</p><p>"what can i get for you both today"</p><p>he spoke first, sensing you were nervous.</p><p>"i'll have club sandwich but with salad instead of potatoes."</p><p>"great choice sir, and for you ma'am?"</p><p>you couldn't help but chuckle at 'ma'am'. you were far from that. seeing the waiter tapping his pen against the notepad you made your decision.</p><p>"oh um, i'll have the avocado salad please"</p><p>"a bottle of white for the table also"</p><p>was he trying to get you drunk before your shift was over? maybe he was trying to impress you? either way you liked it.</p><p>-<br/>-<br/>you couldn't help but ask questions half way through your meal. constantly staring at his bruised eye, your heart sunk with every glance you took to it.</p><p>"ky-"</p><p>your hand reached across the table to stop him in his tracks, your fingers brushing over his wrist until he set down his knife and looked back up to you.</p><p>"please tell me what happened"</p><p>his lips pursed, like he was deciding in his mind wether to let you in just enough. just enough to notice that you were starting to care.</p><p>"it was just a misunderstanding at work. my boss, let's just say- snoke has a temper"</p><p>"your boss did that to you?"</p><p>he nodded but didn't look guilty or humiliated at his own admittance. like it was some sort of regular occurrence.</p><p>"indirectly, yes"</p><p>your brows furrowed at his response, indirectly? was someone hired? you had so many follow up questions. but you could see his discomfort in the way he wasn't looking at you anymore and forming fists with his hands.</p><p>"oh okay. can i ask one last question"</p><p>"sure"</p><p>"what is it that you actually do for a living"</p><p>"well-"</p><p>before he could finish the waiter interrupted once more, making sure your meals where satisfactory and if you needed anymore assistance. you were agitated at the interruption.</p><p>"so? what do you do?"</p><p>"i own shares and have a few jobs on the side"</p><p>"what are your other jobs?"</p><p>he coughed on the sip of his wine glass.</p><p>"is this a fucking interrogation? or lunch?"</p><p>he was angry at you. maybe trying to pry into his business so early on into whatever you two had with each other wasn't the best route to go down. finishing up your meals with a little conversation about the industry and your college work, you excused yourself to go out for some fresh air and a cigarette while he paid.</p><p>the warmth of the orange light igniting between your lips, you inhaled and calmed your nerves that were shaken by the harsh snap in which he had with you. the wind was gently blowing and you could hear the distant traffic below you. a rooftop garden surrounded you as you sat on the wooden bench next to you.</p><p>it's wasn't long before you saw kylo slide open the door and join you. his figure leaning over you before sitting beside you.</p><p>"mind if i have one?"</p><p>you never thought he'd be asking for a cigarette in the middle of the afternoon. you never thought he'd ask you ever. handing him one from your pack, and the lighter as well. you couldn't help but gawk at how small it was slotted in his palm.</p><p>smoking in what was barely silence, you put out yours and yawned due to to the lack of sleep you accompanied last night. you rested your head on his shoulder, waiting for him to shrug you off. but he didn't. with his free hand, he wrapped it over your thigh. caressing it with his thumb. both of you smelt like smoke, and in a way it turned you on.</p><p>"when do you have to be back?"</p><p>he spoke finally, you felt the hum of his words on your temple as he did so. reaching for your phone out of your back pocket, you sprung up. you were already half an hour late.</p><p>"shit. well i was supposed to be back thirty minutes ago"</p><p>"oh."</p><p>"crap. i'm going to have to go"</p><p>"do you have to?"</p><p>"yes. mr dameron is already lenient with me as it is. i'm sorry"</p><p>his hand found yours and kissed it, a parting goodbye before you hurried off, watching him sit there, alone, finishing the cigarette in which you gifted, your hand raised to say a 'goodbye'. and his rose in return.</p><p>your heart was screaming with each step you took, further and further away from him. your legs wanting you to turn back. but you didn't. your thoughts rushing with contradictions. you knew you were temporary to him, but a glimpse of normalcy was felt in the way he held your thigh. the way he let you graze your fingers over his eye.</p><p>he wasn't afraid. and neither were you.</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. business or pleasure?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you couldn't stop reminiscing about your lunch date with kylo. the way his hand slotted between your thigh as you sat in comfortable silence surrounded by the intimate smell of smoke. taking deep breaths as the downtown traffic became the backing music to your pause in day. the gentle breeze blowing wisps of your hair across your face, just tickling your nose in a subtle recognition. the way your temple slowly moved up and down above the pillow of his shoulder that was breathing in heavily with each grasp to air. you bit your lip at the sudden normalcy he showed you.</p><p>"daydreaming are we?"</p><p>poe's voice sprung you back to reality. it was obvious that you were, pen lid in your mouth, basically destroyed under your canines. the glazed look of your eyes and the way your legs crossed over each other while you stared longingly into an abyss of memories.</p><p>"oh, uh sorry"</p><p>"no worries doll! it's closing time, a few of us are going to grab a late night coffee as HR needs us to pull an all nighter for this winter range. did you want in?"</p><p>fuck.</p><p>this was your shot.</p><p>to finally put forward some of your sketches that you'd spent most of your free hours in the office doodling away at. this was your moment to show them how much you wanted this, how you hoped they'd offer you a full time position after graduation. imagine, this could be your day to day job, for life.</p><p>but you couldn't.</p><p>hux called you earlier on in the morning to inform you that you were needed at the cherry plaza tonight. rose was feeling under the weather and you were his second choice. you had already used up your sick days, and when the tone of hux's voice was ricocheted back into your eardrums through the speaker, you knew declining what wasn't an offer to work, would surely get you fired.</p><p>"oh, darn! i can't unfortunately, my - my parents are in town, wanted me to show them round the city!"</p><p>of course you had to lie. telling your boss 'oh sorry i can't join you on my fucking dream assignment because my bare ass will be dancing and teasing truckers all night long for tips' wasn't going to go down too well.</p><p>"aw well how cute ! hope they enjoy the lights! , maybe next time?"</p><p>your heart sunk as he walked away from your cubicle, you were the last here. as always, looking around into the surrounding darkness, you felt that familiar cold feeling of becoming temporary. that come next year your hb pencils won't be sprawled across this desk, your cold brew coffee wont be leaving ring stains on files and polaroids of you and rey wont be decorated around your office wall. everything was temporary, even him.</p><p>switching off the light and getting into the lift, you couldn't help but let out a few small sniffles. everything felt like it was going to fast, too soon. before you knew it you could be working part time shifts with rey at the diner, working nights and even afternoon shifts at the plaza, just to pay off your racking student debt because you weren't special enough for them to keep you on. you wouldn't see his face everyday, no more lustful touches while measuring his broad shoulders for suits and alterations, no more confidence that lighted a spark in your gut. taking a deep breath as the ding of the elevator door brought you crashing back down to the present, you exhaled and stepped out into the lobby.</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>you were running late. as always. hux was looking between his watch, his tapping foot and you by the time you frantically arrived. he looked extremely agitated tonight, which you wouldn't think anything of, if it was a busy friday/saturday night; but it wasn't. it was a typical weeknight. most of your customers were drunkards or businessmen who didn't stay long enough to arouse suspicion within their wives. what was he so angry about? or was it nervousness? you couldn't tell. your people skills had been tested with the numb and detached way kylo handled his own emotions. he made you see the world through a completely different lense now.</p><p>"sorry i'm late, subway-"</p><p>"yeah yeah i've heard your excuses before, just get ready and get out on the floor"</p><p>he scuffed and looked your drenched wet look up and down.</p><p>oh yeah and it was torrentially raining outside. the deep joy you felt, walking in practically dripping from head to toe, curls ringing with water droplets. your skin was absorbing more moisture than you thought humanly possible. and to top it off, rose, your right hand girl, wasn't in to blow dry your hair to oblivion and help you squeeze into the stockings you desperately needed more of.</p><p>finally settling down, it took you less time than you thought it would to look presentable under the neon lighting. choosing the only clean lingerie set you had left for the week, swearing laundry day was tomorrow, it was a small midnight number. a laced thong with intricate bows detailed your panties while stockings were attached and shear tights were added to your lower half. eaten up by a pair of black stilettos, your thighs were practically screaming for air at the constriction you had them contracted under. your bra, or could you even call it that? mesh covered your nipple area, exposing your breasts to the eager customers, while laced trailed below the underwire and above onto the straps. your hair, which was barely salvaged, was flat-ironed straight, you didn't have time to give yourself countless burn marks on your fingers from the clumsiness of your actions while trying to curl it. it reached just above your breasts, normally you would feel self conscious, but tonight a heat was urging you on. your makeup dramatic as usual, a smokey eye that faded outwards to your brows was accompanied by a deep rouge lipstick and a signature cherry stamp was added to the right of your cheek.</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>your night was going terribly. too many guys had groped what they couldn't afford, too many had not left hardly enough tips for what you gave them and to top it off hux was physical stressed and barked at you to stay till closure. this till five am, you wanted to gouge your eyes out with your own stiletto heel. the music was pounding in your ears, ringing in your canals, the only thing that was going to get you through the night was a few shots. walking over to the bar, you slumped down on an empty bar stool; hoping no customers would annoy you on one of your quick two minute breaks.</p><p>"someone definitely needs a shot of tequila running through those veins ey?"</p><p>your favourite bar women was already pouring and passing you a shot before you could even respond. conny, connix (an unusual name, but her parents were hippies so what could you expect?) had been working at the plaza long before you had joined nearly a year ago. she was always so smiley, even when the customers would refuse to pay for drinks and occasionally tried to 'buy her time'. hell, you'd even want to buy her time. her long blonde hair was always placed into two buns each side of her head, usually incorporated by some sort of plait. she was quite short but it made her even more approachable. her cheeks were always pulled back by a smile, red lipstick was a signature of hers, always accompanied with some stick on stars plastered from her eyelids to freckle points. she was what you would call 'the sun on a night out'. always dressed in shimmery colours like gold and silver, exposing her assets in a beautiful way and not screaming way. the way her cleavage just poked through the low cut tops, made you feel very jealous of what mother nature gave her.</p><p>you threw back the shot, completely numbing yourself to the burning sensation that trickled down the back of your throat.</p><p>"please hit me again"</p><p>"damn tonight is bad huh hun?"</p><p>"you wouldn't believe"</p><p>knocking back your second and final shot...for now. you reached across the bar to place your lips onto the side her face before walking away and turning to throw a subtle wink in her direction for appreciation. she always provided you with any type of support you needed when working the floor. one time your pastie fell off and she practically jumped over the counter to search on her hands and knees for it, just so you wouldn't feel as embarrassed walking around with one nipple exposed. those floors never got cleaned, so that was true friendship.</p><p>your mind wandered over the people you held close in your life, flicking past the usuals until he came up. it reminded you of the way in which you 'met'. how he ate you up from the back of this very room, watching as your hips swayed along to the music, how other men cheered your name, ravenous and hungry for just a taste. but you felt like you were only his, like he claimed you with just his look. the way he sat comfortably back against the velvet chairs, chest rising out of synch as your sensual actions turned him on. and how it effected you too.</p><p>before you could even carry on daydreaming, you saw the lights turn on. was it really closing time already? you were slightly buzzed from the lack of food you ate and the shots coating your system. you gazed over at the clock on the wall, it was four am, an hour early? felt like a godsend from above, the place was hardly full, one straggler was left slumped over the bar, snoring away, a drunk of course. conny with the aid of security helped him out of the front and into a taxi. looking round, picking up a tray and collecting empty beer and cocktail glasses, you got to work. </p><p>being a stripper wasn't all about the outfits and tips.</p><p>cleanup was the part of the night where you felt safe and able to breathe once again, the hum of the clubs music lowered but still singable in the background. ash trays gathered, money collected and chairs slotted away, you could feel the looming sense of tiredness take form.</p><p>retiring to the back, hux's door was a jar, the bright light of his office was shining a trail from your feet to the entrance. he was talking to someone, you couldn't make out about what, but you swore you knew both voices subtlety arguing back and forth with each other. lurking forward more you pressed your ear up to the wall.</p><p>"he wants to know why he hasn't received his payment"</p><p>"look ren, trying to shift that many grams in a week is fucking impossible, you know that. just give me a few more weeks"</p><p>your heart stung. you knew that husk of a voice was familiar to you, it was the one that sent tingles and goosbumps over every nerve of your body when it whispered sweet nothings and dirty slurs in your ear.</p><p>"you have two more days. snoke is already being lenient"</p><p>"oh is he now? maybe tell that to your eye"</p><p>you couldnt help it, a sneeze was building up in your lungs, into your throat and up into your nose. you tried to be subtle but it was impossible. letting go of a fairly loud noise, signalling your presence, you could hear the conversation come to an end.</p><p>fucking allergies. right now? are you kidding me?</p><p>hux's familiar voice called out to you.</p><p>"cherry, get in here. you need to give me your cut before leaving"</p><p>fuck.</p><p>you slowly pushed back the door, his eyes locked directly on yours. your feet were trembling with fear, and not the good kind. handing over the money that was prised between your cold and uncontrollable hands, you couldn't take your eyes off him. he looked the same. the same kylo that took you to lunch was now having a shady conversation with your bitch of a boss at four am. he couldn't lie now, he had to tell you what his 'other jobs' entailed.</p><p>hux counted the money before shoving the scraps that were left back int your palms, you hovered for a moment. maybe a little too long, as hux gave a certain huff and cough to the sight of you still lingering around in his office.</p><p>you walked out without looking back to see if he was still staring at you. rage filled your gut. how could you have been so oblivious? ren was never the type to get his kicks at a sleezy plaza strip club on a weekday, the only reason he ever laid eyes on you was probably because he was there for business with hux. you were just the cherry on top of the cake. pun intended.</p><p>you wanted to get out of there before kylo could come and find you in the back, stuffing all your belongs back into your duffle. you almost forgot you were still barely clothed. angered hands rummaged around in your bag for your spare sweatshirt and leggings, not bothering to change the bra or panties; you practically jumped out of your stilettos and stockings and replaced them with a pair of vans. your mind was too busy and forgot about the torrential weather outside.</p><p>it was too late.</p><p>standing in the pouring rain in the back alley of the strip club. the rain was hammering down over you, and the only thing to keep you from getting utterly soaked through was a few newspapers that you hovered over your head. trying to run to safety you were suddenly blocked off by a dark convertible at the top of the street.</p><p>the passenger door opened and there he was. more daunting than normal, his fists clumped together, striding over to you with intent. you backed away, looking back for another exit but all that you were faced with was a brick wall.</p><p>"get in the car, you're soaking, i'll get my driver to drive you home"</p><p>as much as you wanted to hug him and recline to the safety of a tin box to stop the rain gushing around you, your mouth wasn't feeling the same.</p><p>"no."</p><p>"what did you just say?"</p><p>"i said no. i can walk myself"</p><p>"just get in the fucking car, we are both getting wet"</p><p>"not until you tell me what the fuck you were talking about with hux in there"</p><p>he hesitated. he got closer to you, finger pointing straight into your face. knowing full well that your makeup was ruined and the cherry stamp was merely an ink blotted tear running down your cheek.</p><p>"it's just business, get in the car, i'll explain later... please"</p><p>his finger lowered and formed into the sign of a hand begging for yours to join it. you were too tired to fight with him, the rain started to sting your pupils and your clothes began to feel heavy against your skin. the papers were more like paper mache between your fingertips and and the exhaustion was labelled all over your stance. you sighed, looking back and forth between the plaza, him and the car.</p><p>your hand met with his.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. blood stained thoughts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>KYLO POV. </p><p>TW: VIOLENCE</p><p> </p><p>kylo was never one to share his personal life with anyone. not until you came along. he didn't mean to get sidetracked that late november night at the cherry plaza; but hux was late to a regular meeting about numbers. he sat at the back, trying to conceal himself from any prying eyes. he wasn't the most liked man in new york city; sure the limelight in fashion magazines aided to portray a stylish bachelor to the public. but allies and foes knew that his hands were anything but clean.</p><p> </p><p>he'd been in snokes 'business' ever since his own family left him. wandering on the streets of new york, helpless, alone, he could sympathise with you. he knew what it felt like to be abused and abandoned. what it felt like to have to seek shelter in the comfort of a strangers arms. that's why he wanted you to leave that morning. he couldn't handle his emotions around you, not wanting you to witness his outburst of rage as his own memories flooded back into his brain. smashing the coffee cups as soon as he heard your heels walk down the hallway, punching walls either side of him as his hair became rugged and sweaty falling over his face. saliva coated over his pursed lips as glass cut into his palm, making the blood drip down his forearm in a stream of derangement. he didn't wince at his carelessness, he was numb to the pain by now. snoke made sure of that. </p><p> </p><p>snoke liked deadlines, and kylo was the one to make sure that they were delivered. which meant it was his fault when the payments were late. a week prior to your rain fiasco, kylo's last contact for the day was unreachable. cellphone became cut off, apartment cleared and contacts were silenced. something was wrong. maybe they took off with the supply? maybe they were dead? the gut wrenching part of his job was having to return to snoke with an emptiness; a vacant apology to the mess that was his fault. </p><p> </p><p>lessons were taught; kylo's closest allies, his 'bodyguards', drivers and personnel were the ones to show him his consequence. the circle of life. kylo supplied them with the skills, but that also made him their punching bag. there was no point in fighting them back, no lesson would have been learnt. he liked feeling the contact of their ringed fingers against his face, the kicks to his ribcages, the sweat running down his temple. those were the feelings that drove him. to do better. become something better. it also reminded him of his early years in the business; a core memory flooded back to his frontal lobe. one of his colleagues, decided to leave and take what wasn't his with him. snoke couldn't have disloyalty, so he was sent out. he could still remember the sound of them gasping and hoping for air as the blade slid across his throat, the blood that trickled down kylo's fingers and stained onto the bedsheets. the frozen irises that were glazed over holding the moons reflection of kylo within them. that was his first kill. driven by power and loyalty. </p><p> </p><p>so when you entered his life, it was hard to keep out your mind rummaging skills. constant questions, subtle hints to try and catch him out and expose his personal life to you. you were a tough woman to sway away from casual conversations and in depth personality quizzes.</p><p> </p><p>at the same time as your neediness, he also felt regret. if his eyes didn't lock onto yours for the first time, if he didn't mouth fuck you in the back office of the fashion house. you'd be safe. sure it was mere coincidence that he was your first assignment; but he couldn't help but feel guilty for dragging you under into this secrecy of immorality and duality. if he had just left that day in the office, found another tailor, cooked another woman dinner, you would be safe. countless conundrums were bouncing around in his head in the middle of each night; but they all came to the same conclusion. he was hungry for you, ravenous even. he knew it was wrong to pull you into his life, but he was selfish, and enjoyed the game. </p><p> </p><p>the night you were dragged into work, he didn't mean to cross paths with you. he snuck a copy of hux's rota when he was out of the room to make sure their weekly check ins and payments were on your off days. he wasn't ready to let you in. not just yet. so to his surprise when your heels collided with the wooden flooring of hux's dawning office to receive your daily pay check, made his blood boil. his temple was ticking, fingers sweating and feet fidgeting. you both locked eyes, and he could sense the endless amount of questions that were already being listed within your head. </p><p> </p><p>that was one of the things he liked about you. you were an open book around him; spilling anything and everything you could in the small amount of time you were together. he was the opposite, he sat and listened, maybe grunted a few times to show you he was listening. he liked the way you laughed loudly when talking about another memory of rey, the way you were so occupied with your surroundings that you would end up spilling at least one coffee a day, leaving stains on the shirts that he would tear off your body in the small hours of the evening that you were his. you were able to share so much useless information but it made you happy to tell him about the mundane activities you carried out, even as boring as seeing another golden retriever on the way to work. so when he could sense your anger and upset through your irises at your sudden meeting at 4 am in the cherry plaza, he could tell the way your heart was shattering due to your emotive indulgence and his lack of. </p><p> </p><p>kylo didn't know how to share those indecent memories of fun and youth, his mind was filled with a cold shadow of death. any memories that resumed had faded into a grey overtone of the past. only filling his thoughts with calculative plans night and day. he had responsibilities unlike you. you were able to party till morning, snort any drug under the sun, take back any shots that were placed under your lips. but what he didn't want you to know was that he fuelled that part of you. his suppliers were all over the city, knowing the cocaine fuelled frenzy you both undertook ran back to him, it always did. his mind never stopped thinking about how he was starting to ruin your life already. he lay awake most nights while your back was resting against his chest, he skimmed your figure with deep hazel gazes, stroked small wisps of hair out of your face, while you let out gentle sighs in a lull of tiredness. he knew it was wrong to keep you around, every minute of everyday made you more exposed to the reality of his life. </p><p> </p><p>the annual christmas ball was only a front for him, owning shares in multiple businesses meant he had to show his face to the public at least once a year. he mingled with employees, asked questions about their improvements and set backs, but it all was a lie. his heart ached for normalcy. he wished for some of it to be real. that the parties were celebrations of his deserved success, that the toasts to the companies would fill his heart with a warmth that couldn't be gifted by snoke's way of life. he only invited you to silence your questions on why he never took you out into the world. he didn't want to admit his true thinking, but he was too protective of you. the foes that he had made over the years, would make sure you were dead and shipped to him in parts if they ever saw an intimacy between the two of you. your blood would be smeared over anything he owned and your scent would linger over the sheets till an insanity drove him to suicide. he didn't want to involve you in his way of life, but you were becoming too eager, too desperate to be let in. it was an only a matter of time. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>running after you in the rain was the only way he would keep you in his life, he ached for your body heat anytime you were gone. he missed the way your touch made a feeling emerge in his brain, but he couldn't place his finger on it. the way in which you lived your life made him curious in you more. the untidy apartment, the juggling of a part time job, internship and school. your youth made him feel old, but he didn't mind it. he enjoyed the way your visible stress made you bite your lower lip anytime you wrote, the frantic realisations of lateness and the way the bags under your eyes formed in a determined ethic. he never did all the things you were currently obsessing over, college wasn't in his frame of mind. snoke taught him everything he needed to know. the way to charm a business meeting, lure in customers and come down hard with a brute force of strength. the money he earned was already tainted, though he didn't care. the first years in the company he felt guilty for the blood money he took, but that soon was destroyed with his lust for wealth and power. the porsche, the expensive meals, the apartment complex, he earned those, fought for them, killed for them. so why shouldn't he take pride and shower you with his efforts. at least his mind could focus on treating you, for now.</p><p> </p><p>he wanted to shower you with these parts of his life, the meals, the sex and sometimes the drugs. he sensed from his first interaction with you that you weren't shy to a little danger. and his theory was tested true when picking you up that friday night in downtown, the way your dilated pupils looked frantically over his whole face. the powder you'd hastily forget to wipe away from your nose, the fidgeting of your fingers and toes under his touch. he relished in the way you let yourself relax. he wanted to show you how euphoric it could be, how it should be. the way his touch could ignite your whole body sending your nerves into a trapped state of edge. the ache for a sensual fix, he knew all about it. the way the drugs coursed through both of your veins, connecting your minds into one. the intoxicating intensity that sent you into a pure state of bliss as his hands delve deeply into you. those moments made him question wether you could be let in. you wouldn't shy away from his connection to drugs, the way he made his living. but it made him remember how it could ruin you, you were weak to his temptations, so what else would easily sway your mind? all is fair in a little fun, but thats all it could be, a little fun. </p><p> </p><p>he knew he had a decision to make as your hand fit into his as the rain pummelled you both in the early hours of the morning. your heartbeats synching in a sense of anticipation. getting you into the car, into a security of his own was the easy part. </p><p> </p><p>now he had to decide, would he take you back to his and explain everything, let you into his personal life, let you determine if you were willing to stick around. or would he drive you home, with the endless questions running round in your mind, driving you to a pain of insanity? </p><p> </p><p>it was time to decide.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. the eye of the storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>awkward was an understatement for the car ride with kylo and his suspicious driver. silence filled the aura of the four doors, until kylo turned to you, gazing into your eyes. it looked like he was mulling over a decision in those hazel honey irises that made you melt each time they locked onto you. he was flicking between each pupil. did the question have two endings? flicking between each of your eyes with a weight of conclusion. you were snapped out of your spell when the driver grunted to kylo. </p><p>"where to ren?"</p><p>there was a slight pause and a huff that came from the passenger next to you. </p><p>"the apartment vic" </p><p>suddenly a weight was lifted off of both of your shoulders, sinking and colliding your back with the leather seat that was warming your soaked clothes, you couldn't help but move a tad closer to him, trying to connect you both in some way. your eyes began to close with the lull of his shoulder plate brushing your temple up and down with a slow movement. kylo suddenly got more tense, brushing your head off of him when making eyes straight with the driver, vic? you believed. </p><p>his hand reached for the partition to be pulled up, separating you from the hands rotating on the steering wheel. you suddenly felt tense at the isolation that was connecting you to him. you were still visibly mad though your tiredness was making you more compliant. your thighs were facing away from him now, head staring directly out the window, only turning when the sound of the radio became a muffled noise due to the partition blocking it out. your breath started to canter when you felt his thigh graze next to yours, you didn't want to face him. you wanted answers. his thumb now circled around your inner thigh, trying to seduce you with his touch, he wasn't good with words, he only knew how to win you over physically it seemed. </p><p>you abruptly turned to face him. </p><p>"tell me" </p><p>his thumb stopped his circular patterns.</p><p>"not here" </p><p>"well then where? i am sick and tired of being lied to. i deserve to know the truth!" </p><p>your voice was growing louder with every syllable that left it, breathing became faltered, tears where starting to build in your sockets. you couldn't contain the emotions rushing to your brain; anger, sadness...lust. </p><p>"will you shut up or do i have to make you" </p><p>his words became more dominant as they radiated your eardrums. you knew he wasn't one to joke around, but you were feeling like his boundaries and buttons needed to be pushed. tilting your head around to face him fully, noses nearly touching at the invasion of privacy you entered. you could smell his cologne like you had bathed in it, the mixture of his smoke and the fresh fallen rain was permeating your senses. </p><p>"or what?" </p><p>his hand collided with your throat without a second to spare, your chin resting between his thumb and finger. your head was bashed onto the window, abusing you into an unbreakable hold. your felt your airway tightening under his hand, just giving you enough free air to escape passing out. you sensed his eyes skim over your weak body, before returning to your gaze. head tilting at the sight of you helpless under his grip. </p><p>"or i'll have to teach you a lesson" </p><p>thats when you felt his other hand skim the material of your leggings, running his palm over your heat in upwards and downwards motions. you wanted to remain mad at him, deny him your touch, but you were needy.  slightly letting out a moan at the instant rush of euphoria as his thumb began circling your clit. he was smirking at how easy it was for you to crumble under his touch. </p><p>"now, be a good girl and shut up" </p><p>his lips began to attack your neck, your skull was pushing harder into the glass, you could see the bright lights of buildings and traffic in you peripherals. tilting your head upwards for better access, moans started to leave your lips. parting your thighs with his free hand, he slipped his hand into your underwear, fingers dipping between your folds coating them in your slick. his thumb found your clit once more with ease and went to work. slipping in three digits without warning you let out a helpless scream. his lips left your needy neck and brushed over your ear. </p><p>"do i need to fill your mouth with my cock in order to shut you up?" </p><p>you couldn't speak without letting out helpless moans as his pace gained momentum. you bit your lip and shook your head in response. he was driving you closer and closer to the edge as your whole body began to shake under the unsteady bumps of the vehicle, brushing your g spot with each shift. your hand found the collar of his suit jacket, tugging as a sign of how on the edge you had become. he began biting down on your neck, knowing those purple bruises would be left as a sign of his ownership over you. you came clutching at his jacket, his shoulder being weighed down with your force, soft moans left your mouth as the tightening of your airway was finally released from his grasp. choking as the rest of your lungs were finally able to grip for breath once more. </p><p>he removed his hand from you, and went back to his side of the passenger. leaving you a sweaty and exhausted mess. your head finally lost contact with the window and began to pound at the force in which it was being held there. the partition was slowly lowered, by the drivers doing this time, as he announced that you were already outside the apartment complex. </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>his apartment felt colder as your feet stepped over the threshold that felt normal to you by now. the amount of nights, mornings and afternoons your heels, sneakers and pumps brushed over, to and fro that invisible line of his safety. all the lights were out, but the dawn was creeping in through the exposed floor length windows that you loved to drink your morning coffee gazing out of. his couch had papers sprawled across it, pen lids scattered and his old fashioned telephone wire was abandoned on the floor while being engulfed by endless amounts of files. you were curious and shocked in the way he left his apartment so messy. dishes were left in the sink, his bed sheets were unmade and cold cups were left on any remaining surface. what happened while you were gone? was this to do with snoke and his black eye? </p><p>you jumped at his sudden touch on your lower back, you didn't notice but you were blocking the entrance with how your feet were frozen in place. you crept in even further, and the coldness grew in your heart. you didn't know why you felt uncomfortable, but you felt a sudden rush of unease as he ushered you onto the couch. pushing papers in order for you to sink into the velvet feel, he sat down next to you, visibly stressed now as his fingers skimmed through his faltering strands of his hair that began to creep down his forehead. you thought you take the lead, for once. hand seeking the comfort of his palm, he shook off your touch. </p><p>"ky... please tell me"</p><p>"i-i can't" </p><p>"yes, yes you can. i'm not afraid, i can handle it just please. let me in, just a bit" </p><p>you hand shot out again, trying to lull him into security but he became angry at your sudden neediness once more. rising from the couch, he walked over to the window, not facing you now. the silhouette of his broadness was being shadowed by the creeping sunshine. the physicality of the questions you so needed to be answered started to weigh down on your chest like an invisible heaviness. you were stuck, you wanted to run to him and wrap your arms around his chest, make him feel your presence, but you didn't. staying still on the material that was making you sleepy, you pushed through the exhaustion. wanting answers. needing answers. </p><p>"why were you in hux's office today?" </p><p>you proceeded with your interrogation. maybe if you weren't in his eye-line, he'd feel more comfortable with telling you about his life. </p><p>"we have business together" </p><p>"and that is?" </p><p>his palms were snaking into fists, clenching and unclenching with every release of breath he took. </p><p>"he works for me, well snoke" </p><p>"oh- so snoke has shares in the plaza then?" </p><p>"not quite" </p><p>you were matching his anger with your own. he was being blunt with your open ended questions. if snoke didn't own shares like kylo? then why did hux have any connection to him? you took off your sweater in frustration, heat was rising to your temples, and your own fists were beginning to form. teeth beginning to grit, you couldn't and wouldn't settle for his show of excuses. </p><p>"then what? hux works for him? or you? or something? what does he exactly do?" </p><p>he didn't answer. </p><p>his eyes never left the outside world, the sunlight now surely burning into his irises, melting those hazel eyes into a warm honey. </p><p>you got up, angered by his brush off. you walked over to where he was,  standing next to him now, you thought your sudden presence would draw his eyes to you, showing him that you were waiting for an answer. </p><p>nothing. </p><p>"kylo. why does hux have business with you?" </p><p>nothing. </p><p>your hands collided with his side, now trying to beat and shove an answer out of him. he didn't even lose his balance under the weight of your anger. you feet were stamping onto the ground at the numbness his face was giving the skyline. your hand reached up to slap his cheek, but before it could meet his skin he caught it with his hand. body turning and eyes connecting down onto yours, his lips were pursed. </p><p>"he's one of our suppliers." </p><p>hand still gripped under his crushing grasp. you tried to gain back power but it was useless. you snorted at his response, his mysterious answers were beginning to drive you into a wave of insanity. </p><p>"ha, suppliers of what hm? oo drugs?" </p><p>your head lulled back with the rush of comedy you felt at the brattiness you were showing to him. but your smile was caught short when he was looking at you with a pure sense of maturity. </p><p>he didn't need to answer that for you to figure it out for yourself. </p><p>"you're kidding right?" </p><p>"you wanted to know" </p><p>your pulled back your hand, rubbing at the red line in which he left. you stepped back, your body felt different. like it was dropped into a cold bath, the surroundings beginning to fill you with the coldness in which you sensed the moment you entered his four walls. </p><p>"please let me explain" </p><p>you zoned out, his lips were moving but no sound was escaping. memories flashing back into your brain. your mother and father overdosed on the couch for what felt like the millionth time. drugs lined on any counter that was free. the constant exchanges of gambled money to strange men who would visit them on street corners. it all felt too much. you started to remember the smell of weed that permeated throughout your childhood homes fabrics. the vasts amount of smoke that filled your lungs. how could he keep something like this from you? how could he be involved in something that ruined your family? </p><p>you sunk to the ground. everywhere you went, you were reminded of them. kylo was a safe space away from that, his touch made you feel seen, the gifts made you feel loved, the constant care and calls distracted you away from your past. but all along it was a facade, a mask. he was just like them. </p><p>"look, you were never meant to find out this way" </p><p>you snapped out of the numbness. tears beginning to stream down your face, knowing that the glitter that connie helped you apply before your shift that evening was bound to have sprawled across both of your cheeks by now. </p><p>"was i even meant to find out at all?" </p><p>a pause before a gentle sigh left his mouth. </p><p>that was your answer. </p><p>you were never meant to find out. he would have kept this from you if you didn't stumble into the trap yourself. a temporary feeling coursed through you veins. that was why he didn't mention his work; you were never meant to stick around long enough to find out. it was just supposed to be a little fun. </p><p>"over time maybe, but... you left me no choice last night" </p><p>"i left YOU no choice?"</p><p>"i needed to get you into the car, away from eyes, away from-"</p><p>he was sinking down onto his knees now to catch your eyes with his. he hesitated to finish the sentence, knowing those words would fill you with guilt and resentment. </p><p>"away from what ky?" </p><p> "from danger" </p><p>it all hit you at once. his life wasn't just full of fast cars, women, expensive meals and penthouse views. it was full of death, hunger and raw power. the overwhelming fear that someone would hurt him with the only thing close in this moment, you. your mind couldn't  take the sudden hit of realisations. you were his weakness. something someone could torment him with. you imagined how you would have been killed and sent to him as a gift. his life wasn't the luxury you thought it was, it was tainted and stained with blood.</p><p>you stood up, pacing to the couch, picking up your sweater and heading straight to the door, you needed air, you needed away from him. you needed time. time to mull things over, come to a sense of reality. your hands were trembling as your fingers tried to fight with the keys in order to open the door, dropping them under your feet you went to grab them, but he was quicker. </p><p>"please" </p><p>you'd never seen him look so vulnerable. his lip was quivering, hands shaking as the keys were placed into the centre of his palm. </p><p>"don't.... let go" </p><p>you felt a glint in his eye. he didn't want you to leave. not really. he needed you here, needed to explain himself properly. did he care? or did he just want you safe? you couldn't tell with the constant toy he put your emotions under. you were exhausted and unable to fight him any longer. his arm extended, wanting yours to join him. was that all he wanted you to join? or was there more he wanted to involve you with? your hand collided with his. both of your palms moistures intertwining with one another's. you were shaken by your recent findings but deep down were eager to learn more. learn why? </p><p>so you willingly entered the eye of the storm.......</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. cold sheets and empty wine glasses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the pov's switch  a bit so i hope it isn't too confusing to keep up with !</p><p>TW: CHILDHOOD TRAUMA, VIOLENT DESCRIPTIONS, DRUG-INDUCED SEX, IMPLIED FORCEFUL SEX (DUBIOUS CONSENT)</p><p>your hands didn't part until you were guided to sit on the edge of his unmade messy silk sheets, your were fidgeting. still shaken from the small amount of words that made your whole mind run rapid with traumatic memories. your fingers were intertwining with each other, scraping off nail polish, picking at the sides, you didn't know how to act. was he about to fuck you until you couldn't remember why you were mad at him? or was he going to explain why? it was a few minutes before he came in with a cup of coffee, he could sense how tired you were.</p><p>"thank you for staying, letting me explain"</p><p>you grasped the mug with your sweaty hand, the immediate warmth caressed your palm and the smell of coffee grounds brought you back to reality. the liquid hitting your lips and running down the back of your throat calmed you. he calmed you. he was being gentle with his words, something you would never believe he would be.</p><p>"just- don't lie"</p><p>you croaked the small syllables out of your mouth, you didn't want to speak too much, scared that he would become afraid once more, shut you out, ask you to leave. but you had to be firm with him. you couldn't let him seduce you with whispers, small circular touches and the feeling of his hair tickling your neck. you needed complete honesty, you couldn't go through the pain of trusting strangers like your parents again.</p><p>"snoke, he- he basically raised me. taught me everything i know, helped me with the life i'm fortunate to live."</p><p>"but he - it's wrong kylo"</p><p>he turned to look at you, his eyebrows began to furrow, like you had just given him a mental math problem to fix or told him that the earth was flat.</p><p>"it's not. i owe him, he took me in when i was left out, he showed me how to get ahead in life. don't you see i owe him - i owe him my life, and i'd happily give it"</p><p>you were shocked by the amount of devotion he felt for someone that would abuse him, push him into this dangerous world where at any moment he could be gazing up at the sky, smelling the subway fumes and looking into your eyes... for the last time.</p><p>your hand reached for his, taking it into your fingers, you were shaking it under the weight of his. </p><p>"but- he's a bad man ky, he uses you, hurts you. he sells drugs for fuck sake, you are in so much danger that you can't see because he's blinded you with guilt"</p><p>"at least he cares for me."</p><p>the words stung to hear. you were still unsure with your feelings towards him and a big question mark filled your gut with how he felt about you. the way he fucked you always felt temporary, like it was the last time. but the intimate holds, dinners and meetings made his company feel normal; like you would both come home and vent about your day to each other while opening a bottle of red and ordering the nearest takeout. you wanted to tell him you cared about him too, but you didn't; something was stopping you deep inside.</p><p>"but - it's wrong. he only cares because you're giving him what he wants, your loyalty."</p><p>"so? i am loyal. and it's been rewarded. i don't see a problem"</p><p>"that's just it. you don't see a problem with selling drugs, hounding suppliers for profits and probably hurting them too"</p><p>you pointed to the black eye that was healing back to normal now; a yellow ring was left, encompassing his hazel iris in the middle of it as they glared at you in a state of anguish.</p><p>-</p><p>kylo couldn't tell you about his past with violence. the way he craved the cold metal handle in his hand as he glided and punctured skin. he couldn't tell you the way it made him feel as their eyes looked up to his, begging for mercy at his feet as he watched them bleed dry. their hands trying to fight back as the blade ran over their throat or the sudden impact as the point punctured their heart. he couldn't admit as the blood trickled over his wrists that it made him feel powerful, like he was playing god, taking life with his bare knuckles. the adrenaline he felt as he chased for torture. however, a part of him was screaming to be let free. that if maybe he told you the insanity that was driving him to kill, you would help him find the light on the surface. lead him away from the psychotic thoughts that ushered him into the darkness, into an abyss of no return. your hand in his would help him see past the blood stains on shirts, the flashes of anger and the addictive scent for another kill.</p><p>"no, no. i don't hurt people, i won't."</p><p>he chose his answer. the first words you spoke weakly to him were now running around in his head. 'just don't lie'. he couldn't throw you into the deep end this early on, he didn't want you to vanish, leave the sheets cold and the wine glass empty. he needed more time, more time to ease you into seeing the monster he really was.</p><p>-</p><p>"okay ky- but what your are doing is wrong. you need to stop, get out, cut all ties, please"</p><p>he started to chuckle at the demands you were telling him; but to you it was an easy solution. he needed to leave his past in his past, build on the businesses he already owned, create a new map and discover it.</p><p>"what is so fucking funny? i'm being serious"</p><p>"you. you're why i'm laughing. you sound ridiculous, like a fucking hypocrite you know that?"</p><p>he wasn't laughing anymore, the words that were exploding out of his mouth felt like daggers right through your chest, there was pure anger behind every sentence. you couldn't help but drop your mouth open to the accusations being aimed at you.</p><p>"don't you hear yourself right now? so by me supplying your suppliers with drugs and dealing with it when they don't pay up is wrong. but when you buy those drugs and use them recklessly thats okay? don't you get it? you are the reason why i do my job. you are why my suppliers aren't lying dead in a ditch. because you keep coming back for more. so don't fucking tell me what i am doing is wrong when you are the main cause"</p><p>"shut up"</p><p>you regretted that.</p><p>he shoved you down onto the bed, your coffee cup being thrown and spilled onto the ground as he straddled on top of you, holding your arms on either side of you against the sheets.</p><p>"you're going to regret that. i think it's time to show you who i really am"</p><p>he wasted no time by stripping you fully naked, tearing and ripping your leggings apart, the jumper thrown into the corner of his room. you started to whimper at his cold touch that was teasing the curves of your body. his callous fingers skimming up, down and across your waist making you buck at the intimate caresses. you were too busy obsessing over his touch, that it took you a second to realise his cock was forcibly sliding between your folds and beginning to ram into you.</p><p>pounding into you now, his lips attached onto your neck, biting without care, the bruises bubbling to the surface already. he wanted to fuck you raw, mark you, remind you that you were his. his lips detached and reached across you, sliding his hand into his bedside cabinet. his cock still filling you up with a quickened pace, never stopping. you were confused as to what he was going to grab, your eyes were shutting with lust. you began to feel a soft touch on your collarbones. he placed his thumb into your mouth with rage, and that's when you tasted it. the familiar acidic sting running over your tastebuds. cocaine.</p><p>"this is who i am whore"</p><p>he snorted the lines off of both of your collarbones before licking your surface dry, nipping and biting as he went along. your head and body already reacting to the rush of adrenaline encompassed on his thumb. each nerve igniting with sensitivity, your clit aching for attention. your hand snaked down to your clit while his were off your wrists, you started with slow circular motions over your bud. he looked down, angered by your self pleasure, he slapped your face, a ringing sting rushed over your reddened cheeks. </p><p>he was quick with flipping you over, pushing your head down into the sheets and suffocating you above the satin. his fingers dug into your ass as he thrusted inside of you from behind. your vision was beginning to blur through a mixture of a euphoric high. his thumb snaked below you, trailing and teasing over your clit. you whimpered at the toying he was making you bare.</p><p>"please"</p><p>you were able to snatch his hand in yours, keeping it on your clit, aiding him to run his fingers up and down in order to send you over the edge.</p><p>"i don't think you deserve it slut"</p><p>he pulled back his hand, slapping your cheeks countless times with a hardened force while his other hand gripped onto your hair, forcing your neck into the suspended air. tears began to fall over the brim of your eye sockets. dampening the sheets as his cock fucked you until the cum was dripping from his length into your denied pussy. with each final thrust, his words were getting more personal, aided by his angered high. </p><p>"you're a little coke whore, letting daddy use you like this, denying you self pleasure" </p><p>it wasn't long before he flipped you back over. that's when he noticed the damage he had done. white powder smeared over the entrance to your lips, tears stained the mascara that had been smothered over your face. you were trembling, the bruises had left an intimate trail from your ass to waist, up to your collarbones and neck. he made his mark everywhere, even in your thoughts, he'd left the real version of himself .his cum was still warm as it dripped down your thighs, you were speechless and so was he. </p><p>you wanted him to wrap you up in his hold of security, but his eyes were darting over your body with remorse, he looked at the broken shards of the coffee cup, the liquid that stained your torn clothes, the cocaine scattered across the sheets like freshly fallen snow. you were screaming inside, waiting for him to realise that he went too far, hurt you. but he didn't. he got off the bed, finding his shirt and pants before turning his back to you, his hand running up into his fallen curls, over his forehead and face. walking slowly out of the room, never turning back. you didn't let out your cries until the door separated you. you didn't want to finish unless it was his hands working you, you felt abused almost. slowly, you let your feet dangle off the edge of the bed before connecting with the coldness of his tiles. you were so quiet, so scared. </p><p>you blindly and distortedly headed for the bathroom, the fully awoken sun was stinging your retinas now, still high from the sudden breach of emotions. your hands found the side of the black porcelain tub, fingers running over the golden taps as you turned them on. you let your hand hover under the water until the scalding temperature made it numb to the pain. your eyes peered into the mirror, hesitating to look at the work he had done. you let out a piercing cry at the raw bites marks left everywhere, the purple bruises that were already stinging on your sides. you could handle his anger, but this was intoxicated, and he enjoyed it. </p><p>not realising that the tub was nearly overflowing, you turned off the taps before straddling the side, easing yourself into the warmth of the water that hushed your cries into merely silent jolts of sadness. the ripples left by your aching body that was battered. you let yourself sink all the way under, until your hearing was muffled by the water running through your ears. you opened your eyes watching the ceiling above you move with the tide of the waves. you wish time could stand still. you wished it could leave you under the water, your mind empty and your body hollow. holding your breath until your lungs were yelling for air, you returned to the surface, it felt darker than you liked. a shadow of regret, confusion and euphoria was leaving light trails around the dimly lit bathroom. </p><p>you sat in the water until it felt cold to move, you thought he would come in and comfort you. you thought after his high was over he would feel remorse and come running to beg for your forgiveness. but you knew deep down that his hand wasn't going to collide with the handle, his body wouldn't join you in the scalding heat of the water and his words wouldn't leave a blanket of protection around you. for you finally saw him for what he truly was. </p><p>a monster.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. as you wish...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you stayed in the shallows until the coldness lapped and licked at your naked body as the water became cold to the touch. you ears were pinned since the moment you locked yourself in your own isolation; desperate for a hushed tone of forgiveness at the wooden door that separated you and him, a gentle tap from his knuckle on the barrier was ached for. but it never came of course. </p><p> </p><p>picking yourself out of the porcelain, your legs were shaking. usually you would bite your lip at the reminiscent memories that came flooding back to you; but not this time. sharp, painful grey images struck your nerves; the animal in his eyes, the frustration in his grip and the exclusion of his feelings disconnecting from yours. you wanted to cry but you were running on empty. wrapping the egyptian cotton towel around your bruised body, your hand hovered over the lock. your fingers connecting with the cool metal under your skin, even the sound of the door unlocking made you jump. you crept out of the door into the welcoming sunlight that was now illuminating the entirety of his bedroom. the glimpsed rays were penetrating through his black satin sheets and bouncing off onto each and every wall. you hardly stayed in his room in the warming sunlight.but it was the only place you felt safe now, the golden streaks running over your collarbones and bare feet, it burned the isolation out of your body language. picking up your shoulders from their draped position, you dried off and found one of his work shirts to drape over your body. your high was over, and the come down was dealt with in the tub; now it was time to sleep. you were exhausted and you had a late shift tonight at the plaza. </p><p> </p><p>you went to head to the door, but something was stopping you. you wanted to stay, you didn't want to end up wrapped in your own sheets, hugging yourself into the lull of security. you wanted those satin sheets to caress your body, running the softness over your shaved legs causing goosebumps to appear over every inch. it was like you were trying to see past the legitimate pain he had caused you. you were always taught to see the good in people, even in the monster that you had just been exposed to. </p><p> </p><p>that was when your heart raced, was he still here? past the bedroom door, was he sat on the couch with his head in his hands, dry stains of emotion running down his face? or was he making   an apology in the form of brunch? your pain was silenced by your curiosity and fear. without a second thought you opened the last barrier that was holding you back from the truth. </p><p> </p><p>nothing.</p><p>empty.</p><p>he was gone. </p><p> </p><p>fear struck through your core; last he saw of you, tears were running down your cheeks and a trembling motion hissed at his touch. you felt guilt, he'd left, probably still high, because he couldn't bare to look at the damage he had done. </p><p> </p><p>you couldn't leave now. you wouldn't. </p><p> </p><p>returning back to the room you were so familiar with, your body sunk into those sheets. paranoia ran through your veins as you could feel a slight powdery substance coat your feet. you tried to push down what happened at dawn. it was in the past. you wanted to remain angry at him, leave and never talk to him again. but you couldn't help but run through the conversation in your head. 'you're a fucking hypocrite' . he wasn't wrong; you were exactly that. how could you question his morals when your own sinful actions fuelled the work and rewards he showered you with. the countless nights out, even before he entered your life, were tainted by his touch, his orders and demands. each pill you took was aided by his money, power and glory. in a way you felt like you overreacted; you shunned him for his immorality, but deep down it made you ravenous with curiosity. you hated yourself for wanting to know more, experience more, see the real him in the flesh, in the abyss that was broad daylight. </p><p> </p><p>you tossed and turned, trying to hush yourself back to sleep, the sun was burning your retinas too much to leave the windows exposed and open to the outside world. you reluctantly shut yourself away into the coolness of the dark, peaks of daylight still finding its way through the crack in the curtains. returning to the comfort of his bed, you found it easy now to fall into a sense of nothingness, giving your rapid thoughts a break while you closed your eyes and succumbed to the exhaustion that was radiating throughout your body.</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>you were woken with a cold palm stroking your hair, running strands through each finger. you kept your eyes closed for just a while longer, feeling his breath become more steady with the calmness. both of your heartbeats and sighs beginning to synch. you wished this was the kylo you were greeted with last night, when you needed him the most. but he was here now, and that's what mattered. your eyelids fluttered as his index finger ran smoothly and slowly across your lips, trying to pry you away from slumber. as you opened, your vision blurry with a heaviness of sleep, you could sense his stare was never leaving your features; memorising your face like map; running from your eyes to your nose and down to your lips.</p><p>"good morning?" </p><p> </p><p>he let out a slight chuckle at your dazed words, his head turning now to the curtains that were pulled up, displaying the darkness and the bright lights of surrounding buildings now. </p><p> </p><p>"i think you mean good evening" </p><p> </p><p>you sat up, a bit too quickly as his forehead collided with yours, bashing each other. you raised your hand to your forehead in a physical sign of pain. before you could react to his immediate touch, he lowered your hand with his own and placed a soft, gentle kiss on the area of impact. </p><p> </p><p>"where were you?"</p><p> </p><p>there was hesitation before his lips left your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"you stayed?"</p><p> </p><p>he avoided your question, but you couldn't help but fall back under his gaze. he looked sincerely shocked to find you blissfully sleeping under the same sheets he battered you under that morning. his cheeks curved into a small smile and those dimples you liked to see but rarely viewed were beginning to plaster over his expression. </p><p> </p><p>"i stayed" </p><p> </p><p>your hand reached for his cheek, palm connecting with his skin, he shut his eyes at your touch. he seemed comfortable with the sudden impact of warm that encompassed over his face. his hand found your wrist, keeping you and him locked in that hold. letting both of you sit in a comfortable silence that told each other everything you wanted to know. you snapped back into reality when you gazed down at the watch on his wrist. it was 10:27pm. your shift started at 11:00pm and you weren't even ready. </p><p> </p><p>"shit, shit shit" </p><p> </p><p>you sprung up from the mattress, and collected together the lingerie that was still strewn across the floorboards. you didn't hesitate but start to strip and rummage yourself and your thighs into the restraints of your emerald green corset and garters. he was watching you the whole time; never taking his eyes of the panic that was drawn all across your face. you heard small laughs leaving his mouth as you hopped around on one leg trying to fit your other foot through the hole of your underwear. the bra was the worst, you always got another girl to help you clasp the millions of latches situated at the back. but all you had in this moment was him and his gigantic hands clutching and cussing at the minuscule loops that he had to tie. </p><p> </p><p>"it's a lot more fun to rip these open then put them back on" </p><p> </p><p>he was teasing you with his whispered words, probably in an attempt to call in sick and spend the evening with him. but you promised hux you would cover rose's shift so rey could take her out for a theatre date. </p><p> </p><p>"just please hurry up, i need to grab an uber in a second" </p><p> </p><p>"no i'll drive you" </p><p> </p><p>those words suddenly filled you with an alien feeling; normalcy. it felt like such a mundane thing to do, dropping you off at work. until you realised who he was and what occupation primarily filled your bank account.</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>the car ride was tense, you rushed and agitated kylo to get out of the door. you kept looking down at your phone screen, you had ten minutes until you were supposed to be on the floor and the traffic was heavy. he could sense your stress, your quick glances between the time and the outside world, the rubbing together of your sweaty palms and the constant retouches to your hair and makeup with the compact mirror you kept with you at all times. </p><p> </p><p>his hands found your thigh and your constant foot tapping started to lull under the comforting embrace of his fingers that were now running circular motions over your exposed thighs. he wasn't one for communicating so this was his only sign of telling you that you needn't stress. touch was his way of speaking, and you weren't complaining. </p><p> </p><p>"so do you have a meeting with hux tonight then?" </p><p> </p><p>"no, he's being dodging my calls all week. apparently he has been skipping work too" </p><p> </p><p>"oh" </p><p> </p><p>you were surprised at how easy it was to talk to him now, about his real life. it felt somewhat consoling that he could vent to you about his real whereabouts and what kept him up at night. you wanted to push his buttons more, question him further, the traffic didn't seem to be moving, you had all the time in the world it felt like. </p><p> </p><p>"why did you need to see him anyways?" </p><p> </p><p>"he owes us money, the supply is spent and the profits haven't been funnelled back to snoke yet. no-one knows where hux has run off to and there's no way of finding out" </p><p> </p><p>as the last syllables left his lips the traffic began to move, you didn't know how to respond. you didn't know what or where hux was in his spare time. you felt guilty that you couldn't help him, scared that snoke would take the foolishness and disloyalty of his employees out on him again. you sat the rest of the car ride in silence, sensing that what once was your stress was now transferring through your own nerves into his that were still situated on the surface of your thigh. </p><p> </p><p>pulling up outside the plaza, you looked at him and planted a soft but brief kiss on his cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"thank you-" </p><p> </p><p>before you could say anything else, he cut you off, his words exploded out of him like he was waiting to say them as your hand was about to close you off from his existence. </p><p> </p><p>"text me when you're done, i'll pick you up" </p><p> </p><p>"oh ky you don't have to, it's probably going to be early, i don't want to be a bother-" </p><p> </p><p>"you're not a bother to me, now, get in there...cherry" </p><p> </p><p>a sarcastic smirk filled the surface of his face, followed by an overwhelming wink that struck something in your core. you couldn't help but tease his very own words back to him. </p><p> </p><p>"whatever you say...daddy" </p><p> </p><p>you winked at his now shocked and ajar face, slammed the door and swayed your hips a little more than usual, as you walked and entered the building you turned back just before entering and gave him a lazy two finger salute, he drove off with that sarcastic smile still plastered over his features. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>work was slow and the tips were sparse. you spent most of the evening giving sloppy drivers lap dances and taking shots with conny at the bar on your multiple two minute breaks you decided to reward yourself with. as kylo predicted, hux was no where to be seen. he office left empty, according to all the bar staff he didn't tell them when he would be coming back, only that he had some business to take care of and that they were in charge. the only pro of his absence was the fact he didn't dip into your more than earned tips each evening. closing early for a weekday, conny had the floor covered and let you clean yourself up, change back stage and contact kylo. </p><p> </p><p>walking down the corridor you couldn't help but peak into hux's darkened office, it smelt like cigarettes and money, both in which were tainted. your heart picked up its pace as your feet urged you to enter the abandoned space. closing the door behind you, your fingertips found the desk lamp, warming up the four walls around you. kylo's words permeated your thoughts; 'no-one knows where hux has run off to and there's no way of finding out'. you couldn't help yourself as your hands started to wander and rummage through the lifeless paperwork that was scattered across his desk. bills, adverts and job vacancies were all that your eyes could skim and read over. nothing useful at least. there was one envelope that jumped out at you; the letter inside was missing and wasn't located on the table like the others. no handwriting matching the black ink that was scattered across the face of it. it had a return address, somewhere in brooklyn. a dockyard, you guessed through the street and numbers written on it. you folded the paper and slotted in into your bra. you couldn't help but become more curious; you hands found the desk drawer and thats when you found it. a notebook. you never pegged hux for the diary keeping man, and it was finalised when you skimmed through the contents.</p><p>contacts.</p><p>hundreds of contacts must have been written or stuck into the pages of the black leather book. dealers? suppliers? late night calls? whoever they were, you were sure that one of them would know the whereabouts of him.you took it, slamming the draw and turning off the lamp. you snaked yourself out of the office and back into the dressing room. you didn't want to hang around, not knowing who was watching you anymore. you jumped as your phone rang. </p><p> </p><p>it was kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"i'm out front" </p><p> </p><p>"okay, i'll be a second" </p><p> </p><p>you could sense the exhaustion in his words; did he wait up till the early hours of the morning for you? you couldn't help but smile at the way the sleepy words rolled off of his tongue with an ease. kissing conny goodbye, leaving a soft hug embraced around her waist, you walked out into the dawning air. his eyes were on you while his hands were located on the steering wheel still. you quickly got into the front passenger and couldn't contain a sinister smile from exploding onto your face. </p><p> </p><p>"why so happy huh?" </p><p> </p><p>"oh well, you know how you said hux was missing?" </p><p> </p><p>he looked confused now, burrowed eyebrows formed and a upward expression pursed onto his lips. you slid the envelope that was still in your bra, out into the walls of the car and grabbed the leather notebook out of your duffle, handing them to him without one word. his hands hesitantly accepted your gift and skimmed through the contacts, eyes darting back and forward, up and down. </p><p> </p><p>"how did you get these?" </p><p> </p><p>"oh, i have my ways" </p><p> </p><p>you giggled as a satisfied smirk started to form on his lips. he looked impressed almost. </p><p> </p><p>"well, thank you. i don't suppose - </p><p> </p><p>he hesitated for a moment </p><p> </p><p>-you wanted to help my find him now do you?" </p><p> </p><p>you blinked. was he offering you a job? or just teasing you with the life that he was living so precariously. </p><p> </p><p>"are you seriously wanting me in on this?" </p><p> </p><p>"deadly serious" </p><p> </p><p>his words radiated in your ears. he wasn't joking now, he was offering you a way into the life he lead. wanting you to become a part of something that he was trying so hard to keep separate and secret from you. what changed? he looked puzzled at the prolonged silence, finally syllables left your mouth, being urged on by a hunger rising in your core. </p><p> </p><p>"as you wish...sir"</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. collateral</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: VIOLENCE, SAD SCENES</p><p>start of the chapter - "like real people do" by hozier </p><p>end of the chapter - "doing the right thing" by daughter</p><p> </p><p>when you agreed to work with kylo, you thought it'd be like the movies. full leather suits, gun holsters, winged eyeliner that could cut someone, but oh you were wrong. your only task was to keep lookout. and by keep lookout he meant, do as many shifts at the plaza as possible in case hux came back for a small visit, and if he did, you had to call him. you couldn't help but be angry at kylo. you got him the contacts, risked your only stable job, and when he asked you to join him, gave you the scraps. you wanted to be out there with him, questioning all those people in the notebooks. by his side, looking in on how he works, thinks and acts. </p><p>there had been a shift in his mood lately, maybe because you knew his real whereabouts, he was sort of more open? it felt nice. </p><p>it was your lunch break at jakku &amp; tattoine and you were going to go grab a coffee due to a deadline that needed to be met by the end of the day. poe already gave you an extension, and even though he was in love and happy, he still was strict with his work. getting in the elevator, you hummed a tune as it went down to the ground floor. you were startled to see kylo when those metal doors were no longer collided together. </p><p> </p><p>"oh- hi" </p><p> </p><p>"hey, i was just going to come up and take you for lunch" </p><p> </p><p>"really? i have a deadline to-"</p><p> </p><p>"we can be quick" </p><p> </p><p>he seemed different this time. almost the opposite of himself; practically like he was begging for you to accept his offer of lunch. his eyes were droopy, and glazed over. tired. he looked tired. small curls of his hair fell over his face, and he wore a casual hoodie and jeans. you were surprised to see him this way. it was usually you that was the unkept one. however, today you were dressed in all black. a long sleeved black dress covered your curves and stopped at your upper thigh, with a pair of tights and army boots to suffice. you also took one of his suit  jackets to wear over your shoulders to keep you warm in the autumnal breeze. he didn't mind you rummaging around in his closet for things, in a way you thought it made him happy seeing you in his clothes. even if they were far too big for you. </p><p>he held his hand out for you to take, and you gladly accepted it. your hands were freezing due to the lack of heating of where your desk was positioned in the office, so when your fingers intertwined with his, they warmed them to the brim along with your entire body. you felt safe in his grip, once before he made you nervous and anxious about his movements, but now they exhilarated you, the surprises fuelled your days and nights. endless thoughts rummaged in your head, where was he taking you? another private booth surrounded by businessmen? it startled you that you both were walking in the direction of central park. </p><p>"are you taking me to central park?" </p><p>"well you said we had to be quick, will a bagel and walk in the park suffice?" </p><p>a smile started to form on your face, scrunching your cheeks with adoration. you liked this version of him, the simplistic and spontaneous him. you didn't need the fancy dinners, and the dresses (even though they didn't hurt once in a while). a sense of normalcy was all you needed to fuel your positivity surrounding him. you still hadn't had a talk about what was exactly going on between you two, but you were happy in the moment. a small piece of you was scared that if you had that discussion it would be the last time you'd see his face, hear his voice and feel his touch. you pushed the inevitable deep down, and took in the warm colours of autumn that were splashed over the trees and falling leaves. </p><p>bagels that were placed in a brown paper bag occupied your only free hand, while he easily carried to coffees with his other; never letting your hold go. you found a park bench located just opposite from the lake which was starting to freeze over due to the decline in warmth, and began to eat. you enjoyed the comforting silence, there was no pressure to speak, no awkwardness between you both. you shared each others bagels; you went for a cream cheese while he chose the bacon, egg and cheese. both taking in the fast paced surroundings while feeling like you were both paused in time. it wasn't until you were both slurping down the remnants of bread from your mouth that he decided to speak. </p><p> </p><p>"so, any news on hux? has he been by?" </p><p> </p><p>your heart sunk, paranoia kicked in. was that his motive for taking you on a unprompted lunch date. to find out information that would benefit him. </p><p> </p><p>"not yet, i have a shift this evening so maybe if we are lucky!"</p><p> </p><p>"good, i'll be located outside as normal okay?" </p><p> </p><p>you nodded in reassurance. you liked how close he was to you all of a sudden, like he was always there, it was like a shadow was wrapping itself around you constantly, never leaving you alone in the dark anymore. you shuffled closer to him, and he did the same. your eyes locked onto each others, and you couldn't help but gaze at the contrast of your surroundings, the yellows, browns and oranges complimented his honey hazel eyes perfectly. a glint encompassed his irises,  that you didn't even notice his hand in your peripherals as it tucked a piece of stray curls behind your ear. you couldn't help yourself as you pushed your lips onto his, closing your eyes and the space between you with a small sense of euphoria as his lips accepted your touch. the familiar smell of him engulfed your senses, a crackled burning of wood, the sharp intensity of his cologne and the overpowering hint of cigarettes. his hand found the surface of your cheek and cupped your features in the palm of his. keeping you locked in a moment, not wanting to break the hold, you felt different, a drop in your stomach formed. he was being intimate, not wanting you to leave, you could sense his fear in the way he ate your lips with his. you broke the bond, as a cyclist spun passed you causing a cold breeze to hit your exposed face. </p><p> </p><p>"i guess i should be heading back"</p><p> </p><p>"i'll walk you" </p><p> </p><p>his hand extended one more time, and you gladly accepted it.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>your shift was going just like the four previous ones had, regulars and new comers, small updates through text to kylo. there was no sign of hux, not even a whiff of his sadistic scent entered your senses. rose was back into work and more giddy than usual. filling conny in on the escapades that her and rey had been up to lately. you couldn't help but drown it out with a shot of vodka. not in disgust, but you got an earful of lovey dovey information from rey mostly everyday, that it was now sounding like a broken record as the syllables left roses lips also. you were happy for them, you couldn't not be. rey had found her person. and was even thinking about taking you this weekend to pick out a ring. that's what scared you the most. losing her. losing the only stability that was in your life, you still couldn't count on kylo to pick up the pieces every time you faltered, and with his occupation what if he too, was taken from you? </p><p>you were brought back from your sadness with a buzz of your phone. pulling it out of your bra (classy as always). it was a text from kylo. </p><p> </p><p>black van just arrived. can't get a good view. let me know if its him. </p><p> </p><p>will do.</p><p> </p><p>you placed the phone back into your bra, and walked up to the stage for the last performance of the night. sufficing with a song from the book; "million dollar man" a classic and a favourite. you got to work, swaying hips to and fro. teasing the customers with your pole work. however, your mind was on looking at your surroundings, a few tricks intertwined here and there to make the men happy enough to throw money at your feet. you twirled once more as the last beats fell, turning your back to the audience, circling the metal bar. you came round. thats when you saw him. hux. looking the same as usual, in a suit, slicked back hair and a whiskey in his hand, as he spoke to conny at the bar. a rage fuelled in your stomach, how could he act so normal? when in reality he was a thieving coward? the lights dimmed and the customers started leaving. you left the stage and text kylo. </p><p> </p><p>he's here. </p><p> </p><p>before he could text back you looked up to notice hux was pacing towards his office. you couldn't wait for kylo to barge in, and take over from you. you needed to distract him, so you followed. you felt unease and you knocked on the wooden door that you robbed a week ago, you heard a grunt, a sign of acceptance and went in. his eyes were cold, they pierced through your entire body, you couldn't help but feel fear. your feet shuffled underneath you, as you were trying to stay stable on your new platforms, your fingers played with one another, trying to occupy yourself. he was looking at you, dead cold. did he know? how did he know? but then you realised you hadn't spoken since the minute you stepped foot into the same four walls as him. </p><p> </p><p>"oh uh - long time no see hey! how've you been?" </p><p> </p><p>"um. good. what do you want?" </p><p> </p><p>he was starting to rummage through his paperwork that was still left on his desk. he was searching for it. it was obvious. the furrowed brows, the anger building in his breathe, he was searching for the letter that you took. </p><p> </p><p>"oh- just to catchup !" </p><p> </p><p>he didn't take his eyes off his desk. fists forming into balls now, if you weren't terrified before, you surely were now. </p><p> </p><p>"catchup? we don't do catchups" </p><p> </p><p>he opened his draw, now and looked straight at you. the notebook was gone, thanks to you. leaving a completely empty draw at his recognition. he slammed in shut, still staring into your soul. before looking down and pulling something off the desk between his finger tips. a stray piece of hair. curled perfectly, and the exact same colour as the strands that were on your head. </p><p> </p><p>"tell me cherry. why were you in my office" </p><p> </p><p>you started backing away now, hand behind you trying to find the door handle, his movements were sly and intimidating as they inched towards you. </p><p> </p><p>"i - i don't know what you're talking about" </p><p> </p><p>"oh but i think you do. the letter, the notebook. don't play coy now, i have eyes everywhere. ren is very fond of you isn't he? took you on a nice lunchtime stroll hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>your heart froze. goosebumps began to form over every surface on your skin, you were frozen, the door was now open, you managed that. but it felt like you were stuck in place. words couldn't even escape your trembling lips. tears brimming in your sockets at the invasion of privacy he already knew. he walked back, letting out a sigh of breathe as he stood opposite to you, the desk between your bodies. he pulled something out from his back.</p><p> </p><p>a gun. </p><p> </p><p>your mind in a panic, where was he? kylo said he would always be there, to protect you. to deal with hux himself. but he was no where to be found. you couldn't scream for him, it was useless, a silence would leave your lips, the silence fuelled by the singular terror that owned your senses now. </p><p> </p><p>you heard the click of his gun. and it was raised to the direction your head, a numb expression was coated over his face. a sadistic, psychotic numbness. he didn't care about you, no one did. your mind running rampage, that if you were gone in the next second or so. how easy life would go on. rey would be engaged, rose would move in. they would convert your room to their own private study or even a baby room. your parents would know no different. and kylo, he wouldn't have you on his conscience anymore, you wouldn't be a burden.</p><p> </p><p>you snapped back into reality as syllables flowed out of hux's mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"oh it is a shame, you were my favourite" </p><p> </p><p>you finally spoke. </p><p> </p><p>"please, please- you don't have to do this" </p><p> </p><p>tears were now flowing down your face, makeup ruined, you felt your nose was running, trying to enter into your lips. you couldn't accept your fate, you didn't want to go. it wasn't your time. it wasn't anyones time. before you could let him finish, you finally felt the movement in your feet, pushing you to the side, dodging the colliding violence.</p><p> </p><p>*BANG*</p><p> </p><p>he pulled the trigger, but you were out of range now, you moved. but you didn't hear the bullet fall or hit the wall opposite his office. you heard it hit something however. someone. hux didn't even care, grabbing the paperwork off the desk, he left, stepping over the collateral and out the back. you were still holding your ears, crouched in a position. terrified to see the damage he had done just inches away from you. you slowly opened your eyes and let your hands free your hearing. thats when you saw it. the blood pooling across the barrier from the corridor into the office, and the gulping of someones breath. you hurried out, not wanting to accept the fatality that was clinging to life. you sunk down onto your knees, next to them. </p><p> </p><p>"r-rose, its okay, its okay, just focus on me. focus on your breathing okay? you'll be fine" </p><p> </p><p>she was hit in the shoulder and was losing blood fast, her eyes never leaving yours, desperation filled the irises, and one hand was clutching your forearm with such force you winced at the pain. you found the her performance towel that was draped over her other shoulder, and pressed it into the wound. she was gasping now, tears streaming down her face, she was trying to speak but the words were cracked and fragmented. </p><p> </p><p>"shhh, shh its okay. don't try and speak, i'm gonna get you help okay. keep pressure on this" </p><p> </p><p>aiding her hand to her shoulder, she cried out at the pain. you grabbed your phone and dialled for an ambulance. it wasn't long before they were on their way, chucking your phone to the side, your eyes stayed locked onto hers, the blood coating the towel and your palms, trying to reassure her everything was fine with your facial expression alone. thats when your mind became overcast with fear, guilt and nothingness. </p><p> </p><p>rey.</p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. promises, promises and more promises</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you couldn't move, your knees starting to become red raw from kneeling for what you felt was a split second but was actually more like two hours. rose's body was taken away to hospital and admitted into the ER. you couldn't stop staring at the pool of blood that was slowly staining the floorboards in front of you, the faint smell of her perfume still lingered and the whimpering cries that were trying to cling onto life were still ringing in your ears. you didn't want to blink, afraid that if you did, you'd realise that what you just witnessed was real life. looking down at your hands they could tell you everything you needed to know; dried blood smeared all over, under fingernails, in the crevices between fingers and on your knuckles. you didn't even notice but your whole body was covered in her. every time your finger traced over a new spatter of rouge ichor you could hear her piercing screams. </p><p> </p><p>you didn't even notice when the paramedics were talking to you, your eyes glazed over, watching her, still gasping and shouting for rey. you were only bought back to reality after rose was taken away, and a hand finding your cheek.</p><p> it was his. </p><p>you didn't want to look, your tears running down your features and onto his palm. he was shaking you, trying to pull you into his atmosphere. </p><p> </p><p>"hey, hey, it's okay i'm here now" </p><p> </p><p>you couldn't help but feel anger, a burning rage was boiling in your epicentre. fuelling your sudden actions. you started pushing against his broadness, he was crouching, just like you, but didn't falter an inch with the hits and blows you gave him. tears were streaming down your face, clouding your vision, your voice becoming hoarse. </p><p> </p><p>"where were you! you said you'd be here! you said, you said-" </p><p> </p><p>you looked up and that's when you saw it all. </p><p> </p><p>he was beaten and bruised. the black eye seemed like nothing now . his lip was busted, practically pouring out vials of blood, his cheeks scuffed and scarred. he was bleeding heavily on one side of his face like someone had knifed him, just missing his eye. but what scared you wasn't the bruises, beatings and blood. it was the look in his eyes. genuine fear. you could see small pockets of water forming at his sockets, his eyes shifting to and fro yours, his hands still caressing your face, encompassing you within his grip, like he was making sure you were still real. </p><p> </p><p>"what- what happened?" </p><p> </p><p>he sighed, letting one single drop fall from his eye. lowering his head now, embarrassed almost to look at you. you could see him pursing his lips to one side. that's when you heard his low, quiet voice speak up. </p><p> </p><p>"there was too many of them i- i tried to get to the door but, the van, i" </p><p> </p><p>his words were getting more and more stressed, like he was going to run out of air before he could explain himself. his breathing becoming hitched, small pants trying to eek it's way out of his faltering and weakened mouth. you couldn't help but raise your hand to his that was still situated on your cheek, the other found his own surface, your thumb slowly wiping away the mixture of tears and blood that were running down his face. </p><p> </p><p>"ky. i'm here now. its- its going to be okay" </p><p> </p><p>those words that once left his mouth to provide a warm blanket of security over you were now being used on him. a sense of reassurance. the small caresses of your fingers on his cheek telling him that you were real and with him. and that you weren't going to leave. not now. </p><p> </p><p>he finally lifted his head so it was on the same level as your drained faced, the mascara now washed away and the glitter sprawled and mixed with the dried remnants of rose. he looked broken, like you'd never seen him before. not broken because of the bruises, but broken in his gaze. the glinting hope that once filled his soul and vision was now burnt out, a numbness overrode his expression. he couldn't take his eyes off you, focusing on every feature, never blinking once. </p><p> </p><p>"what?"</p><p> </p><p>"you just-" </p><p> </p><p>he hands found both of your cheeks now, holding you fiercely in his grip. his thumbs brushing back and forth under your eyes, slowly running them over your lips, you just stared at him while he memorised your face for what felt like an eternity. </p><p> </p><p>"i'm what ky?" </p><p> </p><p>"you're still- you're still with me. when i heard the gun, i, i thought-" </p><p> </p><p>thats when you sensed it. </p><p> </p><p>he cared. </p><p> </p><p>he was afraid to lose you. </p><p> </p><p>afraid to walk in to see your lifeless body teetering on the edge of life and death, looking up at his face with a glazed look of death. the only thing in his life that gave him purpose was being bled dry in front of him, because of him. his doing. the guilt would be suffocating. </p><p> </p><p>you could sense he was struggling with his words, the hiccups from his emotions taking over,  rising back up to the surface. you could see his discomfort with the lack of control he held over them. so you did what you knew was best. your lips collided with his, the warmth connecting your broken souls into one. his atmosphere colliding into your body heat, it felt like time stood still. it was the kiss to tell one another, that you were safe, you were here and that you cared for each other. his tongue slipped into your mouth with an ease, like it was meant for yours alone, you didn't want to break the connection, you wanted to stay in that moment for as long as you could. but everything comes to an end at some point. you both stopped and gasped for air. foreheads colliding with one another, trying to keep each other together, not letting your touch leave his skin, you didn't want to lose him and neither did he, you. </p><p> </p><p>before you could think, his arms helped your raw knees up off the floor, you didn't know your bones were weak and muscles numb until you needed to use him as a support, both of you hobbling now, using each others support as a crutch, you headed to leave, head pounding, eye sockets raw with pain and your heart full. </p><p> </p><p>the car ride back to his apartment was a struggle, you heard him wince as he shifted the steering wheel and manoeuvred into the parking bay. he was still on edge as he came round to help you up onto your feet once more and into the building. constantly looking over his shoulder, analysing the surroundings, you felt the terror within his grip that was around your wrist, he wanted you safe and indoors. in the sanctity of his four walls, where he knew he could protect you. </p><p> </p><p>getting into his apartment felt like home, finally. that you could finally breathe, you could let out all your trapped emotions as soon as your feet entered his barrier. you felt a buzz come from your handbag that was covered in the memories, so much for a white bag. fidgeting around, you didn't realise how much you were shaking until you couldn't read your phone screen properly without sitting down and using your other hand as an aid to steady the other. it was rey. </p><p> </p><p>'rose is in theatre, she's still not responding, but they're doing everything they can' </p><p> </p><p>your heart began to pound and you could feel it in your ears, you couldn't even hear kylo who wandered into the bedroom as soon as you both slumped into his apartment. your fingers began to type, you needed to make sure you were with rey, by her side, she was the only family you had, and you couldn't let her down, not right now. </p><p> </p><p>'which hospital did they take you to? i will get kylo to drive me to you' </p><p> </p><p>the grey dots began straight away, starting to bite your nails now, you were anxious and eager to leave. </p><p> </p><p>'no. i don't want to see you right now. i don't know what's happening, what you've kept from me, but i just want to be alone right now' </p><p> </p><p>you couldn't help but let out a piercing scream. you had let the only person who was always there to bandage your wounds, pick up the pieces and dry your tears down. you had let her get hurt. you could be taking away the only love she has ever felt as the time went by. you couldn't help but think of her, tapping her feet on the tiled er floor, her nail beds chewed down to the brim, the caffeine cups surrounding her. the physical pain you had caused her. all because you were carless, you got involved, you fell for the wrong one. </p><p> </p><p>you threw your phone across the room before you could even respond to it, hearing it shatter into multiple pieces with the sudden impact of tiles. burying your head between your hands you felt his calming touch graze over your shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"shhh, shh. rose will be okay, i promise" </p><p> </p><p>you turned around, looking at his face in the pale moonlight that was shining through the windows. </p><p> </p><p>"don't ever make promises you can't keep" </p><p> </p><p>he was taken back at your sudden snap. in a normal scenario he would have you bent over his knee where you sat, but not this time. you didn't need punishment or pleasure. in reality you needed a fucking shower. but before you could tell him where you were headed, his hand extended, waiting for you to accept. you were too weak to walk alone, so you subdued. your trembling hand slotting into his rough and battered palm with an ease. walking you past the familiar layout of his silk sheets and into a warm atmospheric bathroom, bath already run and steaming. </p><p> </p><p>he helped you out of your clothes, taking his time, not like usual where he was away eager to rip whatever you had worn that day off. he started with your t shirt, slowly pulling it off your body, making sure it didn't tug or pull on your hair or earrings. your leggings next, crouching down, you used his shoulders as a lull for your balance as you stepped one foot out after the other. rising now, he held you as he undid your bra that was once a emerald green and now stained darker. you would normally shy away and cover yourself in front of him, but he had finally seen the real you. you were already exposed more than your bare skin made you feel. he let you take off your underwear while leaving his forearm extended to use as a crutch. aiding you into the bath, lowering you slowly, he did the same for himself. </p><p> </p><p>he sat behind you now, his hand found your stomach and pulled you until your back was pressed against his chest. you let your head falter and lie near his shoulder. you kept your eyes shut, trying to calm yourself and your emotions before trying to speak. you felt his hand brush your arm, up and down, letting warm droplets of water fall and make its way down your skin. it was comforting, it was what you needed. you opened your eyes. </p><p> </p><p>the water was now dispersing the red, the intertwining of dried and fresh blood mixing with the clear water of the bathtub. you both still sat in silence, watching the pool make a canvas of colour all around you. </p><p> </p><p>he finally moved and grabbed a sponge from the side, sitting you up now, he started to wash your back, leaving kisses after scrubbing an area clean. you couldn't help but let him, he wanted to make sure you were alright, he wanted to take care of you and worry about himself later. however, that didn't stop you from worrying though. it was like you were exchanging each others pain, he was washing and drinking yours in with the connection of his lips and your skin. while you felt what he was thinking and how the strokes on your back communicated the pain in which he was feeling. </p><p> </p><p>finishing up, he pulled you back onto him. your eyes not shutting this time, but allowing your head to hover up slowly so your eyes could connect with his. you didn't need to speak about what happened, you felt like you could watch, replay and rewind the events just by looking into each others irises. </p><p> </p><p>"angel i-" </p><p> </p><p>he finally spoke, but a croak left this mouth before he could finish his sentence. </p><p> </p><p>"yes?" </p><p> </p><p>you whispered back, you no longer wanted to shout, or cry or fear, you just wanted his voice being the only thing that radiated through your eardrums. </p><p> </p><p>"i, want you to know that i will never leave" </p><p> </p><p>before you could speak. he cut you off once again. </p><p> </p><p>"ever. i'm never leaving" </p><p> </p><p>your eyebrows furrowed. it wasn't a confession of emotion but it was enough, enough to make you scared. </p><p> </p><p>"i told you ky- don't make promises you can't keep" </p><p> </p><p>there was a lull of silence between you, letting your head rest once more on his chest, the water slowly lulled from its rocking, and you started to drift under a spell of sleep. you felt his lips collide with the top of you hair,  falling completely under your unconsciousness. </p><p> </p><p>"i intend to keep this promise. i-" </p><p> </p><p>before you could hear the rest of what he said, the weakness of the events pulled you into a sleep, encompassed by his body heat and the engulfed through heat of the water. what you couldn't finish to hear was made up by a new feeling. a feeling that was buried deep inside, now rising to the surface, slowly but surely.</p><p> </p><p>you finally didn't feel alone.</p>
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<a name="section0027"><h2>27. satisfactory gifts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>you woke up in a different location than the bashing waves of the tub that were caressing your sides as your back was connected to him. now as you lay there, you realised he had carried you to the bed, tried to dress you in a t shirt that smelt like him and tucked you under the satin that you loved the most. the sun was already up, and its warmth that was plastered all over your face gave you the impression that it had been for quite sometime. you didn't quite open your eyes just yet, as you heard the door open and a pressure being applied to the mattress that was surely him. guessing correctly, his finger found your astray piece of hair that had fallen over your features while you slept, and he tucked it behind your ear as a soothing way to say 'wake up'. </p><p> </p><p>you shifted and groaned as you stretched your muscles that had been stiff in one position for the whole night and slowly rubbed your eyes open until the first thing they were greeted with was his face. the same as usual, his nose, his eyes, the moles that were dotted like stars across made it worth gazing upon with the morning breath and bed hair you knew you'd have. you sat in silence for a few seconds, letting a soft, sleepy grin climb its way over your face while he reciprocated your actions like an affectionate mime. his eyes bustled together as the smile exposing his teeth taking control over him and he let out a small chuckle before speaking. </p><p> </p><p>"good afternoon" </p><p> </p><p>you didn't respond straight away but turned your head to the digital clock that lay on the bedside next to you which was accompanied with a fresh orange juice and painkillers. the time in the piercing bold red was labelled: 15:07. </p><p> </p><p>"fuck. why did you let me sleep so long? it's going to be getting dark again soon" </p><p> </p><p>"you needed it" </p><p> </p><p>his hand found the glass on the side, and that was your queue to lift yourself up into a seated position with your back hitting the headboard with an ache of stiffened pain. handing the cup into your palm, he grabbed two painkillers off the side and slipped them into your other hand. he was being so gentle with you, so considerate. he didn't speak again until he saw you finish the drink and take the medication. he wanted to make sure you were looked after, the previous night had been a mind fuck and he knew that all you needed right now was company. even if that company was sitting in a lull of silence, and staring out at the skyline as the sun was ready to set once more. </p><p> </p><p>"do you want the good news or the bad news first?" </p><p> </p><p>he finally spoke once more, carrying the conversation. he knew you weren't ready to go back to your ways of talking his ear off about miscellaneous things at every chance you got. he wanted to show you that he was here, and wasn't going to leave you in the silence of the dark. your stomach couldn't help but drop at his question however, paranoia was already holding you captive over the last 15 hours, so what possibly could he be hiding. </p><p> </p><p>"the good?" </p><p> </p><p>you finally made up your mind, hoping that if that bad news made you ugly cry, his arms would wrap around you and not let you go until the last tear had dropped from your cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"good news is that rose is doing fine. she's out of surgery, they were able to remove the bullet, rey is with her and she's going to be kept in for a couple more days for monitoring" </p><p> </p><p>a sigh of relief fell from you mouth, you couldn't help but tear up as soon as the last syllable was said from his lips. rose was fine. rey was with her. they still had each other. </p><p> </p><p>"but how did you?" </p><p> </p><p>"i called rey. she's still shaken up but she's your best friend and thought you deserved an answer even if it wasn't to you directly" </p><p> </p><p>"oh- does she want to-" </p><p> </p><p>he shook his head. he knew what question you were going to ask, and a part of you already knew the painful answer. she needed time. her head was probably filled with confusion and her heart was probably running a red light over rose nearly breathing her last breath because of you. you knew what she needed. and you were willing to give her as much of it as she wanted. </p><p> </p><p>"the bad news however-" </p><p> </p><p>you rolled your eyes. he tilted his head at your immediate brattiness kicking back into your system. </p><p> </p><p>"the christmas party is tonight" </p><p> </p><p>your mind had  completely gone awol recently that you forgot all about your invite to kylo's christmas gathering. you could see the furrowing of his brow, like a sense of confusion had overriden him. it was if he was saying 'we don't have to go'. but you wanted to. you wanted to escape reality for one night. clear your mind of the past twenty four hours and just get lost in a crowd of people who didn't know you and didn't care enough to. </p><p> </p><p>"oh, okay. what time does it start? my dress, its back at the apartment i'd have to-" </p><p> </p><p>"already got it. i-i went and grabbed a few things while you were sleeping. don't worry i didn't peak at it"</p><p> </p><p>your heart was starting to flutter. the old kylo wouldn't have done such nice things. let you sleep past midday, brought you fresh orange juice and collected your things from your apartment. you could sense in his posture, tone of voice and smile, that he was changing. ever so slightly. </p><p> </p><p>you thanked him by placing your chapped sleep fulfilled lips onto his; they tasted of coffee and cigarettes. your favourite combination of his. you couldn't help but let out a gentle hum as he invited you to sink deeper into his touch. one of his palms found the surface of your thigh, aiding you in closer to his face with a subtle tug; while the other was left on your throat, loosely but you ached for more. your hands found his thighs and sneaked further up to undo his belt that was wrapped around his black casual jeans. he started to chuckle and a slight shake of his head was felt in the motion. </p><p> </p><p>"oh angel, we don't have time for that. but i promise later" </p><p> </p><p>you rolled your eyes once more, breaking contact with his forehead from yours, you lept out of bed towards the bathroom for a quick shower. stopping before closing the door he was still sat watching you from where you once lay. tilting your neck, glaring into those irises that could be scouted in a room of millions you whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"you and your promises hmm?" </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>by the time the water was turned off and your body dry it was nearly four thirty. reminder to always shave daily, you thought to yourself. time was ticking on slowly and kylo told you that the party started at around five thirty. you had about an hour. you crossed paths as exchanging tasks in a hurry, crossing in the doorway between the bathroom and bedroom. he stopped to admire your normalcy, twirling a piece of wet hair between his fingers, he left a soft but quick kiss on your cheek before sinking his head onto your dampened shoulder, letting out a sigh. </p><p> </p><p>"do we have to go? you look too good for me to wait" </p><p> </p><p>you chuckled at his ache for you, but you wanted to tease him. it would just make the night more special. he fully body was pressing you against the beam, slumping into your shoulder more, your towel started to drop and you started to chuckle at his pretending to be dead action. shoving him off you while clutching for the towel in the other hand, you noticed you'd left his shirt damp. rolling your eyes once more at his messy exterior.</p><p> </p><p>"ky, ky. there's no time. your heavyyyy get off. oh look what you've done, your shirts damp" </p><p> </p><p>"i'll just have to wear another" </p><p> </p><p>before you could carry on to the bedroom, you were stopped in your tracks and the close proximity of your bodies touched. unbuttoning the shirt in front of you, he knew what he was doing. trying to keep your eyes locked onto his, you failed. sinking into the curvatures of his collarbones, trailing your eyes down. you didn't realise you were biting your bottom lip at the show he was blatantly putting on for you to lust over. </p><p> </p><p>"hey, hey angel, you said we don't have time. so eyes up here hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>you gave him a playful punch to his exposed bicep before grabbing his shirt to place on a hanger to dry, while he went to shave the small stubble that had accumulated on his face. you would never admit it, but you like the roughness of it, it made him less intimidating to you. but he preferred it clean shaven, gave him more power. </p><p> </p><p>"you jerk."</p><p> </p><p>walking into the bedroom, you saw your familiar spare duffle that was placed on the bed like a sort of present. your dress covered next to it in its sleeve, you were wondering if it still fit after the countless binges you had taken over the last few days. you could never say no to a bottle of wine and ice cream or a late night snack rey brought back from the diner. tucking the egyptian cotton back under one another so the material held up, you unzipped the duffle. not wondering what 'essentials' he brought you, he was a man so you wondered if he did in fact bring everything you would need. </p><p> </p><p>so far so good. your perfume, deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste (even though you always kept a spare at his), hair brushes. he even packed your straighteners and curlers, he knew how indecisive you were. it looked like the makeup threw him a little. peering in, it seemed like he emptied your entire draw of products into travel bag. you laughed at his efforts but it made your heart whole. two more items were in the bottom of the bag that didn't look familiar to you at all. </p><p> </p><p>now standing in the doorway of the bathroom, he was wiping his clean shaven face with a towel, waiting for your reaction. you pulled the first one out, that was wrapped in black tissue paper. unwrapping slowly, it was a set of lingerie, bearly. the bra was designed together with small intricate flower patterns creeping on either side of the boob while the nipple covers were only covered with mesh. it was strapless. so a part of you thought he had already peaked at your outfit to make sure it would match. but you trusted his word that he didn't. the panties left you in suspicion. being made of the same design and fabrics as the bodice, there was an extra sleeve within the line that had your mind confused. you jumped at his voice suddenly. </p><p> </p><p>"the other gift will share some light" </p><p> </p><p>you peered into the bag, a small box was wrapped with a satin bow. daintily picking it up, you were sort of terrified. the box was too big to be a ring and you knew you both hadn't discussed what you were to each other, so you knew marriage was off the cards. undoing the bow with haste for time, you peered inside to see a small device and remote. you knew straight away and gave him a glare. </p><p> </p><p>"no way. ky. this is a first impression and you want to use this on me?" </p><p> </p><p>he started strolling over to you now, picking the vibrator and device out of the box. standing behind you, you heard the familiar buzz of its activation and shuddered at the impact the vibration made on your exposed shoulder. trailing down your arm now, you felt his lips up against your ear and you sunk you head backwards to him. </p><p> </p><p>"be a good girl and do as i say. i know how much you like to moan but try and keep it contained for daddy tonight hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>you melted into his shoulder, the vibrations sending you into a state of euphoria as they traced your inner thigh. your core burning for the attention that he was deliberately avoiding you with. just as the device reached your entrance the power switched off and his signature chuckle brushed past your eardrums. </p><p> </p><p>"now get dressed" </p><p> </p><p>"yeah yeah i know" </p><p> </p><p>you liked the casualness you had with him all of a sudden. like you had seen each other stripped in another way, you'd seen each other vulnerable. exposed the darkest and deepest parts of yourself that were buried deep under the surface of just the issues of your confidence and your naked body. you felt like an open book around him, beginning to accept the stretch marks, cellulite and overall mouth that could talk for england. your paranoia however was always over-wading, what if you thought you knew all of him, but in fact he only told you sprinkles. like the icing on a cake. he drew you in with his 'real life' and the secrets entailed but what was under the wrapping? was there only the crumbs of his childhood, or a full past that you had yet to devour ?</p><p> </p><p>finishing up a few last minute curls, you twiddled with them between your fingers before draping some of them back into a messy half up half down look while leaving a few, falling and framing over your face. your hands still somewhat shaken with trauma, you did your best to attempt your smokey eye and wing that much to your surprise turned out better than you had hoped. applying a soft rouge to your cupids bow and lips, pressing the together before smearing the excess within some paper. you powdered your face, and walked out in full lingerie to the dress that was waiting patiently on the edge of the bed. you had hoped kylo was still in the bedroom so you could strut around him to one up his little vibrator trick earlier but you heard his regular commotion in the living room. </p><p> </p><p>stepping in the dress, you forgot the slits were placed just under your entrance. smiling at how pleased he would be with your choice. the bodice fit once again, perfectly. clinging to the areas you liked and concealing the ones you weren't ever so keen on. slipping in the device that he delighted you with earlier, shuffling around, you walked over to the mirror for a last glance. you didn't want to admit it but; you looked hot. you immediately grabbed your phone and slid to camera before stopping. you normally sent your outfits to rey to critique and lately rose also; but the glint in your eyes slowly dissipated as you knew they didn't want to see you acting normal right now. even though you had no idea what normal really was. all you knew was him. </p><p> </p><p>you pushed down your sadness, throwing the phone into the clutch, and carried it out into the living room with you. he was on the phone when you entered, leaving you a little stubborn, you wanted him to fall to his knees at your outfit, but you both knew who'd be doing the kneeling later on tonight. you wandered over to him, placing a finger on his shoulder to grab his attention, he turned around and towered you like usual. he looked like a god, an all black tux awaited your approval which you gave with your abundant mouth dropping open ever so slightly and the inability to blink. his finger found the strap of your dress and tucked itself under it, running up and down the strap, it was a communicative way of his approval. the next action took you by surprise as he pulled the remote from his pocket and switched it on without hesitation. the immediate sensation took you by surprise and you staggered, nearly falling backwards in your heels. your body already reacting to the vibrations but it was with an intensity. convulsing ever so slightly at the movements, you heard him say goodbye and before you could get into a motion, the device switched off once again, leaving you in a breathless state. </p><p> </p><p>his hands found your waist while yours found the back of his neck, your chest still out of rhythm trying to maintain a steadying pattern of breaths. </p><p> </p><p>"you look- truly beautiful." </p><p> </p><p>still out of breath as you responded </p><p> </p><p>"and, yo- you, you look very handsome" </p><p> </p><p>he chuckled at your inconstant words and left a kiss upon your forehead before slinking his hand into yours. </p><p> </p><p>"just making sure it was working were you?" </p><p> </p><p>"you got it angel, now are you ready?" </p><p> </p><p>"of course"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. the christmas party.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the drive to the party was full of suspense, you were teetering on the edge of paranoia and pleasure. jumping at any sudden movement of his, knowing that at any moment he could, with a flick of a button, send you into a spasm of lust.</p><p> </p><p>but he never did make that move.</p><p> </p><p>always kept you guessing, his fingers never leaving your dress alone; always intertwining the mesh of the fabric between his fingertips. skimming them up down, he noticed your breathing becoming rapid to his small eager touches. leaning over, leaving small kisses along your neck and collarbone as you closed your eyes and let the city's lights become flashes in your sockets. your hand found the tailored suit jacket that you both had spent weeks deciding over; it made you even more ravenous. you couldn't wait any longer; your own hand skimming down his fabric and trying desperately to find the device in his jacket pocket. all of a sudden he bit at   your neck and it caused you to whimper in response.</p><p> </p><p>leaning his plush and pursed lips up to the entrance of your ear, the hot air travelled down your canal and could have sent you over the edge in that moment.</p><p> </p><p>"what did i say hmm? be a good girl or there will be consequences"</p><p> </p><p>you gave him a pouty expression back that just made him flash you that laughable smile you always loved and he went back to holding your thigh with a sense of unwavering security; squeezing it every now and then, reminding you that he was still there. there for you.</p><p> </p><p>it wasn't much longer after that vic, the driver rolled down the partition to announce that you had both arrived. a gulp lodged down your throat and a knot was tying furiously in your stomach.</p><p> </p><p>his hand moved from your thigh now and travelled into your palm, the overwhelming size difference made the knot become just a snag in some thread and the gulp in your throat  vanishing as if you had just cleared  it away with a glass of water.</p><p> </p><p>"don't be nervous. you'll be fine"</p><p> </p><p>"i know- it's just, i won't know anyone, and i don't want to be on your tail all night like a lost puppy"</p><p> </p><p>he kissed your cheek for more reassurance before reaching over you to undo your seatbelt.</p><p> </p><p>"well i happen to like puppies"</p><p> </p><p>"wow the famous kylo ren. a softie for puppies huh? be careful sir, your heart seems to be melting"</p><p> </p><p>before he could answer your quick wit back, vic was already at your door, opening it and extending his hand to aid you out. you forgot how weird it felt to wear a pair of heels that were only a block and not 7 inches. it felt alien to how comfortable you felt, like you were wearing sneakers almost.</p><p> </p><p>"thanks vic, have a good night"</p><p> </p><p>"you too miss ren"</p><p> </p><p>your heart fluttered at the words. miss ren? you couldn't help but giggle, you were far from that. </p><p>still not discussing your feelings, you were aching to reach out into the darkness in a hope that he was the light leading to a pathway of love and protection. but for right now, you were left stumbling in the darkness, feeling around for a glimpse of what could be an illumination of requited feelings.</p><p>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-</p><p>the party wasn't like the ones you and rey were used to. a fancy bar was located at the head of the ballroom, with tables located around an extensive dance floor and a stage that seemed to host the auctions, speeches and the evening entertainment that kylo had prepped you about. </p><p> </p><p>when you and kylo slipped in, you were hoping to enter unnoticed, eyeing the booze in your sight, he removed his grip of your palm and snaked it around your lower back. aiding both of you in the direction of the free bar, you could almost taste the liquor on your lips. but of course you were stopped. many, many times.</p><p> </p><p>countless employees, co-directors in different businesses, all congratulating kylo on some award. he hadn't told you he was receiving an award at this party. maybe to save himself looking vain, or maybe he was embarrassed that his talents could lie somewhere that was out of the clutches of snoke.</p><p> </p><p>"and what about you?" </p><p> </p><p>you were snapped out of the lull of boredom when a sort of familiar, tall, goddess softly spoke while directly gazing at you. martini glass in her hand and silver floor length dress that accentuated the radiance of her beauty. she raised the glass up to her lips while maintaining an unbreakable stare. you felt kylos hand squeeze your side, you hadn't realised you had been in a trance of her appearance, trying to pin point how you knew her, that everyone was staring at you waiting for a response. </p><p> </p><p>"oh ! i'm working as an intern for jakku&amp;tattoine while finishing up my college degree,  but i hope that they keep me on after christmas break permanently ! finger crossed, its always been a dream of mine." </p><p> </p><p>"well how wonderful ! do you do anything else with your time?" </p><p> </p><p>"oh um-" </p><p> </p><p>you stared at kylo, but his face was expressionless, he wasn't going to control or monitor what you decided to tell these strangers. you were hardly going to meet these people again, it was like he was giving you free reign to make up a fantastical lifestyle if you wanted to. </p><p> </p><p>"oh, nothing really. i take dance classes that are centred around self empowerment and femininity, but that's only a hobby i do a couple of evenings a week" </p><p> </p><p>it wasn't a lie entirely, you did feel empowered dancing around those poles and looking hot while doing it, you did work a few times a week and it was only a side job, more like hobby. you knew you weren't in the company of strangers where telling them that you danced around and gave men lap dances in g strings, would go down well. </p><p> </p><p>finally kylo pulled you away from your alternate of the truth and both of you finally located the free bar. </p><p> </p><p>"oh god i'm thirsty. please can i get-" </p><p> </p><p>"self empowerment huh?" </p><p> </p><p>he was giggling as he nodded to the bartender to come over and take your order for you. </p><p> </p><p>"can we get a whiskey, neat and a martini please" </p><p> </p><p>looking back at you and placing his hand on your thigh as you were both sat waiting for the liquid luck to arrive, your core was being a pain and rising and falling with any temptation he gave you. the slight caress of his index finger on your back as you told a room full of strangers your life, the hand that was slinking round to your waist to whisk you away to the safety of a seat and alcohol. it all urged your pleasure on, more and more. </p><p> </p><p>you rolled your eyes at him. "i hate martinis, you know that. and yes self empowerment, i didn't see you complaining the last time you ' took in a class' hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>"i didn't say anything was wrong with it. just hilarious to hear thats all. and don't think i've forgotten about you constantly rolling your eyes at me today. now drink your martini angel" </p><p> </p><p>you sipped on the drink with reluctance as he whirred around the liquid in his glass, it burnt your throat in the worst way possible and was too dry that you felt like you wanted a shot of vodka as a light relief. but you obeyed, knowing that device was in his pocket and could make you crumble at any moment. </p><p> </p><p>"you didn't tell me you were getting an award" </p><p> </p><p>"did i not? oh well , it's not a big deal, just some employer of the year thing" </p><p> </p><p>"not a big deal ! ky thats amazing, don't you see? don't you see what you can accomplish without snoke breathing down your neck? don't you think its time you broke off from him? build your businesses? on your own?" </p><p> </p><p>the light smile that was once plastered across his face fell into a burrowed brow of anger and a flux of knuckles rippling together while removing the warmth away from your thigh. </p><p> </p><p>"stop it. i'm not having this discussion here. and besides, thats none of your business. so keep your nose out of my personal life, and let just get through this evening" </p><p> </p><p>you fell sullen, sinking back into your chair as you watched him down the rest of his liquor and be ushered to talk to yet again, another employee. ordering yourself another drink while letting him cool down, you sighed heavily into the rim of the glass. a voice disturbed your moment of self pity. </p><p> </p><p>"mind if i sit?" </p><p> </p><p>it was the mysterious familial from earlier, close up you knew you had seen her before, it was on the tip of your tongue, you knew she could see you trying to pin point where from. </p><p> </p><p>"we met at club lavo? about three weeks ago? they call me phasma, i work along side kylo" </p><p> </p><p>all of a sudden you went bright red, your cheeks becoming more flushed than the spankings kylo would give your ass after talking back to him. </p><p> </p><p>"oh-"</p><p> </p><p>"dont worry! i don't judge! didn't peg mr ren as the type for commitment but i guess here you are" </p><p> </p><p>"oh we aren't-" </p><p> </p><p>"oh honey, it's okay to admit that you have feelings for him. i can see it in the way you look at him. they do say you never forget your first" </p><p> </p><p>you choked on your drink. surely not, surely he wasn't the type to go about an office gossiping at the fact he took your virginity. </p><p> </p><p>"first love, i mean"</p><p> </p><p>"right ! oh well, he just brought me as a thank you for helping him design his suit thats all" </p><p> </p><p>"right right" </p><p> </p><p>you could sense in the way she was analysing you between sips of her drink, that she knew you were lying. that was one flaw about you, sure you could bend some truths but you couldn't lie without the truth being drawn across your face by the flushness of your cheeks and the fidgeting of your fingertips. </p><p> </p><p>"so kylo wasn't the 'walking refrigerator with a big dick and emotional attachment issues' that you were talking to me about that night" </p><p> </p><p>the game was up. you knew she only meant well and there was no threat but you were so embarrassed by the reiterated drunken words that left her mouth that you couldn't help but freeze. you didn't like discussing the way you felt about him, truly. to anyone. not even rey. you didn't even like thinking about it yourself, you didn't want to realise that you were truly, deeply and madly falling in love with him. and there was nothing you could do about it. because deep down you knew that it would never last, he would surely enough get bored and tired of your partying, your youthful complaints and the neediness for his time. he would get angry at your reluctance to accept his loyalty to snoke. you could sense the shift in his demeanour to you however, which was the glimmer of hope in a darkened closet. the crack of light that was screaming to be wedged open, all you had to do was reach out and touch. but something was always holding you back.</p><p> </p><p>fear. </p><p> </p><p>you were scared that if you did admit to him, openly and honestly your feelings, that he would lock you away in that closet full of demons and darkness. and no matter how many times you screamed and banged on that wood of emotion, he would never cease to tear it down. </p><p> </p><p>"it's okay honey, don't be scared to tell him how you truly feel. he seems different lately, and i believe that is because of you" </p><p> </p><p>and with the kindest of those words, she reassured you with a soft touch of your shoulder and slinked away flawlessly into the sea of communication. another hand was quickly replaced on your shoulder and you knew it was him before you could even turn around. your hand found his but before you could grasp it into your touch, he pulled away to circle round to you. </p><p> </p><p>"we better take our seats okay?" </p><p> </p><p>handing out his hand so you could hop off the barstool that you feet just touched the floor from, he aided you once again, with his hand trailing from the back of your neck to the lower dimple in your back,  remaining there all the way to the table that was dead centre and opposite from the stage and panel. luckily you were sitting on a table with phasma, one friendly face in amongst the vast majority of strangers. </p><p> </p><p>dinner was eaten and more discussions were made, you were already slightly light headed from the amount of wine you had apparently gulped down with your main and desserts. plural; kylo wasn't one for chocolate mousse and strawberries so you were delighted when he pushed his plate in front of you, since you were eyeing it after eating yours in under 5 minutes. he kept his hand on your leg while general chatter was made, you liked the feeling that he was always there, the feeling that no matter where you went now, you felt protected by him. wether that was with his physical touch, a shirt of his or just his cologne that rubbed off onto your neck while you made out in the copier room on your lunchbreak. </p><p> </p><p>"attention attention please. may i just say thank you all for coming, its so wonderful to see this many people in one room to congratulate a man that has worked tirelessly for us all. so without further ado, mr kylo ren, will you please join me to accept your award" </p><p> </p><p>kylo rose, everyone clapped and you joined passionately like a child who just saw the party clown enter the room, he gave you a wink and a smirk before leaving the table and joining the speaker on stage. you couldn't help but question that smirk, it wasn't his usual smiley smirk, it was his smile that meant sex. </p><p> </p><p>"thank you maz. well where do i begin-" </p><p> </p><p>your eyes were glued on him, thats when you saw it. he placed the glass award onto the panel and adjusted his jacket, slinking one hand into his pocket, he looked up from the floor, straight at you. and thats when you felt it. </p><p> </p><p>the fucking vibrator. </p><p> </p><p>it was only a slight vibration but your neediness had grew throughout the night and you gasped in response to the sudden stimulation your clit was getting directly. phasma looked over to you with a concerned smile at your sudden gasp, which you followed quickly with a yawning expression to delay any suspicion. she gave you a smile and a "i'm absolutely tired as well love" whisper. </p><p> </p><p>"i just want to firstly start off by saying how thankful i am for this award, i don't like attention, most of you know that. but it doesn't take away the value, this honestly means a lot to me and my work." </p><p> </p><p>his eyes were stuck on you the whole time he was speaking, never faltering. </p><p> </p><p>"secondly" </p><p> </p><p>the vibrations were intensified and this time he could sense the euphoria it was sending you to through your shift in the way you were sat, trying to find a comfortable enough position that wouldn't send you completely over the edge in under a minute. your fist came up to cover your mouth as you leaned down onto your hand, trying not to draw attention to the way he was fucking you without even touching you. </p><p> </p><p>"i value loyalty and drive the most. in fact i am hungry for work. i take pleasure in my work and always make sure whatever position you are in you are left completely satisfied "</p><p> </p><p>you moved your neck in a circular motion, trying to release the tension anywhere else but your pussy, but it wasn't working, your breathing becoming rapid and inconsistent, you didn't know how much longer you could take. </p><p> </p><p>"and lastly" </p><p> </p><p>the pressure intensified to the max, surely sending you over the edge in a matter of seconds, you drew your napkin up to your mouth and secretly bit down on the material so to not draw attention to yourself and aimlessly moan into a quiet room full of workers. </p><p> </p><p>"i just want to reiterate, that i love working, and lately i've been pushed by an external force to do better, become something better. and i just want to end by saying i am ravenous to start the new year, and see where this takes us all! thank you" </p><p> </p><p>the place erupted with cheering and a standing applause, you tried to follow suit, standing shakily as he left the stage and wandered with such purpose over to you. your legs becoming jelly at the sensation that was just about to have you moaning in front of a crowd. as he found your table again, the minute his hand found your arm, the vibrations ceased to a halt. you were left clinging onto every action, waiting for his next move. </p><p> </p><p>you both sat down, mingling began once more and the music started to play, enticing people to cling to the dance floor and dance a drunken night away. </p><p> </p><p>"that wasn't funny"</p><p> </p><p>"oh but i think it was. you know how hard you made me, watching you squirm while i was speaking hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>he perused your hand to his crotch under the table, and you could feel his length hardening against the fabric. your heat was rising and you needed him to soothe you, now. you whispered into his ear, while aimlessly stroking his length while the noise of the music drowned out everyone else in the room. </p><p> </p><p>"oh really? and what are you going to do about it?" </p><p> </p><p>without a second to spare, he stood, grabbing your hand. walking furiously past the dance floor that was already packed with people and through the double doors that lead to countless office rooms. you wondered if this was where he worked but your mind was on other things to ask pointless questions that you didn't really care about. pushing you into a regular sized conference room, he locked the door and dimmed the lights, leaving you in a darkened suspense. </p><p> </p><p>spinning around his lips met yours with no second to spare, his aggression and need for you could be felt through the way he was already eating you up, walking you back until your ass met the table, he lifted you up with his arms onto the table and went to work. kissing all the way down your body, from your lips to your jaw now, you panted out of breath. </p><p> </p><p>"ky ky, we need to get back soon otherwise they'll be suspicious" </p><p> </p><p>"don't worry angel, we'll be quick" </p><p> </p><p>you let out the muffled moans that had been kept under lock and key as you fought off your orgasm earlier, knowing that you were three floors up from where everyone else was unknowingly partying. </p><p> </p><p>he pushed your dress up and ran his palms across the surface of your bare thighs before finding the entrance of your underwear and pulling it down, almost tearing it off your body. your hands found the buckle of his suit trousers and before you could blink his length was out and pulsing, begging to fuck you. </p><p> </p><p>you were begging for him but suddenly after teasing your entrance with his head, his large hands found your hips, grabbing hold of you, he spun you around, leaning you over the expanse of the conference table. with his palm he forced you to arch your ass into the air, giving him a better view of your wet and aching pussy. without warning, he began to thrust his cock at such an aggressive pace it made you yelp in lust. moaning carelessly, with your eyes shut in satisfaction, you sensed his hand snaking round to your front and pressing his middle finger straight onto your clit, swirling in quickened circles. your head resting in the crevice of one of your folded arms, the noises were erupting out of you now, high-pitched and breathy sighs left your mouth. you could sense the orgasm building inside of you now, and through the way he was fucking himself into you, you could tell he was close too. your mind became foggy and your vision began to blur, the room turning into pitch black. you spread your legs open even more, making you lose control, your walls fluttered and erupted as his cock was pushed deeper into you. your reposition making you weak at his dominance, he came into you with a muffled and animalistic groan, your mouth opening to let out your own orgasmic tones, was stopped with his thumb lodging onto your tongue, sucking down now, your own orgasm ripped through your heat without control. moaning down onto his thumb. you could feel the warmth of his cum coat the insides of your walls, making you shudder as you jointly came down from your eager highs. </p><p> </p><p>aiding you back up, he handed you his suits handkerchief to whip yourself down. finding your panties you removed the vibrator, placing it into his pocket before tapping your palm onto his chest to signal that you were spent. he kissed your mouth so softly, that it felt different. you sunk into the kindess of his lips before pulling away with a smile plastered on your face. </p><p> </p><p>"i think you owe me a dance"</p><p> </p><p>"do i now?" </p><p> </p><p>"mhm, you aren't going to win this one sir" </p><p> </p><p>"hmm, i guess one dance wont hurt" </p><p> </p><p>you lept up and down with such excitement that it wasn't long before you were running down the hallway, in search of more alcohol and the dance floor your feet ached to be on. </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>you didn't realise it would be a slow song you were using your 'one dance' on. but it felt gentle to be held in his arms, you sunk your head onto his shoulder and closed your eyes to the lull of his chest pushing your head slowly up and down. his hands snaked around you in safety as 'two slow dancers' played; how ironic. you danced in slow circles, making you sleepy and warm in his grasp. </p><p> </p><p>"stay with me tonight?" </p><p> </p><p>you raised your head to him, and smiled in acceptance. </p><p> </p><p>"okay but i really should check on rey" </p><p> </p><p>"please, we can both go tomorrow morning, i want to talk to you about something" </p><p> </p><p>you were too drunk and tired to ask and wonder what, so you nodded with a smile and went back to gazing around at the various couples swaying to and fro. wondering if they also felt like the only ones on planet earth, being comforted by their loves.</p><p> </p><p>however, through your haze of vision you noticed someone familiar walk through the doors, and pound their feet over to where you were dancing. he was here. hux was here. holding what you knew was a gun in his hand you had no time to warn kylo, with his back turned away from him you broke from his hold.  and stood directly infront of him. hux was still many meters from the dance floor but stood and raised his gun with no remorse. </p><p> </p><p>"ky-" </p><p> </p><p>!BANG!</p><p> </p><p>you fell to the ground, you heard screams and could feel the feet pounding on the dance floor, people were running and screaming, you could hear people tackle hux to the ground and drag him out. through your muffled hearing you could heard:</p><p> </p><p>"an eye for an eye ren" </p><p> </p><p>you couldn't grasp what was going on until you felt it, an excruciating pain, you couldn't sit up, you felt paralysed, like a magnet had you locked onto the floor. you felt kylos grasp under your head, resting you onto his knees, you saw phasma crowd round you with her phone up to her ear. </p><p> </p><p>"yes ambulance please, someones been shot, she's losing a lot of blood please hurry" </p><p> </p><p>you looked down at your hand that was dripping in your own blood, your hand shaking and fingernails becoming stained in yourself, the tears began to scream down your eyes and a piercing scream was being let out in bursts with your control. your blood was beginning to seep through the mesh of your dress, spilling into a pattern of violence across your chest. </p><p> </p><p>"shhh, shhh, please. you're okay, you're okay. keep your eyes on me now baby okay. they're on their way. i need you okay. i need you to stay with me" </p><p> </p><p>you felt a tear drop onto your cheek that fell from his eyes, his fingers caressing your face and brushing your hair out of your face. trying to take in all your features while you were still conscious. </p><p> </p><p>"ky- i, i-" </p><p> </p><p>and with the final lyrics - 'two slow dancers, last ones out...' </p><p> </p><p>your eyes fell heavy and shut on the closing beats of the music, sending you into a deafening abyss of darkness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. silenced words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>promise - ben howard (really set the mood for me) and mariners apartment complex - lana del rey &lt;3</p><p>waking up in a private hospital suite to the overwhelming darkness and the whirring of multiple beeping machines, it brought you crashing back down into reality. your vision still hazy from the side effects of morphine and the intoxicating sleep deprivation that consumed you. you scanned the room, trying to find something tangible to make you believe you were still alive and not in some sadistic, isolated purgatory.</p><p> </p><p>him. </p><p> </p><p>you could only see his outline as the dim light wrapped around his silhouette. he was slumped into the visitors chair directly on your right, body being too broad for the seat, his legs looked as if they attempted to curl up into a ball but failed and resided to being stretched out against the hospital flooring. looking closer, you could sense the exterior of him, sleeping peacefully in his tux, you realised it was nearly morning and that he hadn't left you. wasting no time in retiring back home to change and coming back to visit, but instead staying by your side, the whole night. </p><p> </p><p>it brought back the flooding sensation of his hands that pressurised onto your leaking wound while the ambulance was being called, his own tears falling and mixing with yours along with blood that was smeared on your entire being. you could almost feel both of his hands pressing again onto you. the way that they collapsed onto your lower stomach with all his might to try and stop the bleeding, stop you from slipping away directly underneath him. the emotion in his actions made you feel something that you tried to bury under your skin from the beginning. you felt the requited love bursting from its shackles of suppression. permeating from his skin onto yours, you could feel the raw emotion of him that was fuelled on by the desire to keep you close.</p><p> </p><p>you winced as you messily tried to prop yourself up, back annoyingly slouching onto the pillows behind you. it was only beginning to get light again but you wanted to watch the sunrise, feel the warmth burn through your retinas and heat your cheeks beyond tolerability. you needed a way to remind yourself that you were still breathing and that the pain you felt was real. </p><p> </p><p>staring down and pulling your hospital gown up with hesitation, you glared at the stitches that were rummaged through your body with haste. trailing your fingertip over them individually, they were fresh and still unbearably sore. 'bound to leave one heck of a scar' you chuckled to yourself. as you swung your legs over the side of the bed with care, something stopped your permittance to collide your feet with the floor.</p><p> </p><p>glancing down idly at your hands and forearms, multiple drips were lodged with needles into your trembling skin, feeding you whatever was making you question your own sanity and surroundings. the tame feeling that you had awoken to was now being engulfed with an overriding sense of anger and paranoia. you started aggressively scratching at the incisions and with one piercing, quick rip you pulled the iv's from your arms. multiple alarms began to sound, and all your body could do to react was by covering your ears and wishing away the sound. tears began to unburrow once more, rising to the surface and overflowing your sockets. </p><p> </p><p>you sensed heavy movement from behind as you shut your eyes while rocking back and forth. it was him, you could sense the pounding of his feet on the plastic flooring as he made his way round to your aid. the lights flickering and switching on, the daunting hospital lighting burning through your retinas and exposing your shadowed surroundings. </p><p> </p><p>"hey, hey, hey. you're okay" </p><p> </p><p>crouching down on the floor, the familiar feeling of his hands began to run over your fidgeting thighs, lulling your rocking into a slow rhythm until it came to a halt. his thumbs circling over your skin, teasing and sinking you into a sense of his solitude and comfort. the purring of his words shifted your tears to retreat back into small pools, receding back into just small sniffles. your breathing syncing with his, in and out, in and out, finding a beat of normalcy that ground your hysteria to cease. breathing out a sigh of relief, bottom lip trembling, forbidding you to break down, you opened your eyes and stared rapidly between his eyes. your body taking over as a broken smile rose in the crevices of your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>you weren't worried about your own wounds, scars and trauma. he was in one piece, you dreamed of him dying, and that both of your bodies pooled out the contents of blood on the dance floor before seeping and mingling together while giving out your last breaths. </p><p> </p><p>but that wasn't reality. </p><p> </p><p>his jacket was missing, searching all over, you turned your head and saw it lying limp on the arm of the chair, bundled together as if he used it as a pillow. turning again to take him in, his shirt had pocketed ovals of deep rouge, your blood marked all over, you wondered why he didn't take it off, the connotations only intoxicating his mind with painful memories. but then you realised as his arms wrapped around you, resting his head on your thighs, your perfume. you could smell yourself all over his clothes, it was filled with the closeness you gave him during the dance, the way you clutched onto his neck while your fingertips found the ends of his hair. that why he was still wearing it. it was laced and dipped in you. </p><p> </p><p>your hands found his hair, it felt different than usual, tense and matted slightly. the professional exterior that usually dominated his aura vanished. rage and frustration overran his appearance. pieces of hair falling over his face, hands stained with an eminence of the past twelve hours and his face had fallen into an outlook of exhaustion. he looked worse than you, and you had been the one to have a bullet pulled from your stomach. </p><p> </p><p>you tried to pull his head to meet your gaze but it was useless, it was like a magnet was drawing his forehead to your thighs, you felt a wetness begin to coat over your skin and the sudden noise of sniffling. was he crying? now getting impatient you were pulling on his cheeks aimlessly until they raised. his eyes looked as if they were permanently red, his lips pursed in order to hold back a true outburst of emotion and his nose puddling a small arena above his upper lip. you dragged your thumbs under his eye sockets, wiping away his tears. it felt strange to switch positions like this, it was usually him cradling you in his broad arms but now that comfort needed to be returned. he was the one now, that needed to know that you were there. </p><p> </p><p>"hey, ky. i'm okay, i'm here"</p><p> </p><p>a sense of embarrassment struck him like a tsunami, hanging his head down, avoiding your sympathy, he removed his hands from your thighs and began picking at the sides of his fingernails. </p><p> </p><p>"it should have been me. it was meant for me" </p><p> </p><p>you could feel the guilt and remorse in the words that tried to eek out from his voice box, they were hoarse and quiet but they were there and they were true. as much as you hated the pain and the trauma that was flashed before your eyes when you drifted to sleep, if it was him that the bullet had connected with, you would have froze. screaming guests running out of the room, phasma fumbling with the digits on her phone to call for help and you, standing over his body, frozen in time. you hadn't enough moments with him. you hadn't told him how you really felt. the realisation that he made your life brighter and your nights warmer. you would have stood, watching as the blood pooled out of his skin, and his voice gasping onto the life that was being snipped away thread by thread as the time went by. you wouldn't have survived it like he did for you, he was the strong one. he always had been. </p><p> </p><p>in a way you were glad it was you. glad the bullet struck just between vitality. glad that you were able to still look at him, feel him and love him. </p><p> </p><p>"ky- i'm okay, we're okay." </p><p> </p><p>he still wasn't looking at you, the fear was overwhelming all of his sensations and you needed to pull him back into the real world. sitting in between your dangling legs on the plastic flooring, you started to subtly kick his sides, trying to draw his vision up to you. no use. it was like he was switched off at the power. no movement, just taking your gentle taps like the window panes on a sunday afternoon took the colliding pitter patter of raindrops. reaching your hand out onto his hair now, you swirled individuals strands through your fingertips, coaxing him ever so subtly to raise his neck an inch upwards, but his eyes were still glued onto the ground under him. you took a deep breathe. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"kylo i love you" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>his head raised slowly, the sniffles coming to a stop. slowly rising, never letting out a single air of breath. sitting gently next to you like he was tiptoeing around your aching fragility. you both stared into each others eyes. you could count all the auburns and hazels that mixed ethereally in his irises. noticing small speckles of what you swore was gold glimmering back at you. your hand reached instinctively to brush a curl away from his eyelid and before it could retreat he caught it with his. his lips were all of a sudden on yours sinking deeper and deeper in, it felt different from all other times you had collided together. it took you by surprise, like a breathy kiss had just incapacitated your lungs. he didn't need to say it back and a part of you knew he wasn't ready, but his mouth communicated for him. hands finding the end of your hospital gown, fingertips explored the nakedness of your back, drawing circles gently against a small strip of your bare skin. kissing you with an enforcement of desperation that his body curved into yours, closing the gap of silenced space between you. his lips parted yours and began to murmur your name over and over, with each syllable his lips skimming teasingly over yours. you threw your arms around him and reconnected your mouth to his, you didn't want to let it go. you wanted to be able to bottle this memory up and relive it over and over again. </p><p> </p><p>he pulled you tighter against his chest and you had to break from his kiss. </p><p> </p><p>"motherfucker that fucking hurts" </p><p> </p><p>he gave you his breathy laugh, exposing his childish smile as he loosened his hold over you. </p><p> </p><p>"there's my girl. thought you were going all soft on me for a minute" </p><p> </p><p>you gave him a playful smack on his arm but winced in the pain of the quick motion. </p><p> </p><p>"me? soft? never in a million years ren" </p><p> </p><p>he placed his hands back around your waist, being sure not to catch your stitches in his wide palms, directing you back onto the comfort of the bed, he propped the pillows up properly for you, and your back collided into a comfort. when you were stowed back under the duvet, he called in a nurse to re-administer your iv's. you were always a pussy with needles, and now kicked your former self for pulling them out in a hectic rage. heartbeat practically pulsating out of your chest as the needle was being directed to your arm, closing your eyes in order to not throw up all over the kind lady, you felt his hands link with yours, fingers intertwining and his thumb rubbing lazy circles over you. he stayed like this until you heard the door close and a silence filled the room once again, you peeked one eye open. </p><p> </p><p>"is she gone? is it over?" </p><p> </p><p>chuckling at the way you became a scared baby when a needle was presented and driven into your arm, he placed a kiss on the top of your forehead. </p><p> </p><p>"yes, the big bad lady with the teeny tiny needles is gone" </p><p> </p><p>you went to smack him again but you were exhausted, letting his sarcastic comment slide, he rose and placed his hand on the side of your cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"i was going to grab a coffee, did you want one?" </p><p> </p><p>hand raising to connect with his, never leaving a touch unreciprocated. </p><p> </p><p>"yes please" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>walking out of the room but turning to double check you were still there, he shut the door and you were finally alone again. you thought a little too late. your phone began to vibrate on the tray table to the side of you. reaching over in pain you were able to grab it between your fingers. the brightness was on full and it made you squint. it was poe. </p><p> </p><p>"hi mr dameron what can i-" </p><p> </p><p>"hi doll-" </p><p> </p><p>you heard a sigh being let out on the other end of the line and a wave of sympathy and regret fuelled the next lines that were permeating through your ears. </p><p> </p><p>"i hope your recovering well, but i have some bad news honey. we are going to have to let you go, i'm so so sorry, i tried to fight for you but with you being out of office, we need someone to fill in for you" </p><p> </p><p>"i was fucking shot, its not like i'm taking a few vacation days poe." </p><p> </p><p>"i know, and i'm so sorry. i tried i really did" </p><p> </p><p>"yeah well thanks" </p><p> </p><p>slamming your phone screen back down on the table, it smashed under you. a shard of glass lodged into your palm, small amounts of blood began to trickle down your arm. you froze, staring at your trembling hand. everything was crumbling around you. your dream was gone, never to return. </p><p> </p><p>the door opened, and he ran over to you, slamming the door closed with the back of his foot. he messily placed the coffee cups down and grabbed your hand to analyse it. </p><p> </p><p>"hey, what happened here hmm? don't really need you losing anymore blood do we?"</p><p> </p><p>slowly picking out the small shard of glass, the bleeding starting to subside, running his thumb over it with a heated friction, he raised it to his lips and left a soft peck on your palm. your eyes were teared and numbed, blinking a few times minute, you couldn't focus on him, on the smell of roasted coffee beans, you couldn't even hear the beeping of the heart rate monitor. he sensed your glazed over expression that was tying hard not to break down as he sat next to you. a singular finger was placed under your chin and your head was moved to lie directly at his. </p><p> </p><p>"what happened angel?" </p><p> </p><p>the floodgates began to be released, a few tear drops ran down your face like it was the race you'd witness as rain trickled down the window of a car. </p><p> </p><p>"they- they had to let me go" </p><p> </p><p>"oh, i'm, i'm so sorry. is there anything i can do? maybe talk to them? reason?" </p><p> </p><p>you shook your head and pulled the collar of his shirt closer to you, burrowing your head in the crevice of his neck, you smelt the familiar cologne and shampoo and it was enough to send you into a flood of emotions. </p><p> </p><p>not saying a word, he swung his legs over the bed, and got under the duvet with you. switching off the lights, you lay, comforted by his strong arms while the sunrise began to pierce through the ajar shutters. a ray of light beamed across the room, making its own path over chairs and walls until it reached out for the ceiling. </p><p> </p><p>his arms held you close, and his head now rested on top of yours. you felt his neck gulping, like he was about to say something but stopping for a brief second before letting it go. </p><p> </p><p>"move in with me"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. morning revelations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>your eyes hazily, were murmured from what felt like an eternal slumber through the gently nudging of the rising sun. hitting your exposed shoulders, reaching up slowly past your chin, lips and settling on the surface of your forehead. your eyes were being cocooned in a warmth before being pulled open from the instant burning sensation and flashes of red that the sun had gifted. blinking tirelessly, you saw it. </p><p> </p><p>your new view. </p><p> </p><p>the skyline, the awakening new day, the endless rays of sun mirroring, flickering and reflecting off the walls, surrounding and encapsulating you in what felt like your own private bedroom disco. it was your favourite time of the day. dawn. you felt most at peace with the arousing orb welcoming another morning. rubbing your fingers over your eyelids to wipe clean the haze of sleep and blur of dreams, you moved onto your back where your eyes glided to take in the ceiling. two strips of sunlight danced and intertwined with each other, running over the detailed plastering, as if they were aimlessly twirling through the barricades, and eventually at the end, becoming one bigger ray of light. the yellowy undertones forming into a vibrant splash of temporary colour along the edges that connected walls and ceilings together. </p><p> </p><p>out of the corner of your eye, you sensed him. your ears almost twitching before your irises could depict, gentle but low sighs of sleep escaping past his slightly ajar lips, and the upkeep of his ribs that were moving slowly up and down with each breathe. you took in his sounds before turning to view. he was exhausted. almost snoring, it reminded you of rey. the way her bountiful snores would echo and boom throughout the apartment walls, depriving you of any afternoon naps that you planned. it made you internally chuckle wether you had traded sharing an apartment with a snorer for a secret snorer.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>rey. </p><p> </p><p>she came to visit you the day of your discharge. not speaking much, but handing you some bluebells and a latte, you sat with each other in silence. you were both past the point of speaking with actual words. calmly accepting the past, not to be forgotten but to be learnt from. rose was already a temporary house guest and with the accident, she moved in permanently while rey took care of her. baking goods by herself now and watching reruns of the bachelor when rose felt like a change of scenery from the bedroom to the couch. you both could tell that you felt too strongly about one another to deprive each other of a love that was extending its hand out towards you. sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, you placed your forehead against hers, and took a deep breathe. </p><p> </p><p>"rey, i-i'm truly sorry i-" </p><p> </p><p>"hey, we're both okay. i mean rose is driving me insane with the reality tv but it makes her happy" </p><p> </p><p>you gave out a slight chuckle, your caffeinated breathe bouncing from her skin back through your nostrils with a roasted warmth. </p><p> </p><p>"so, kylo?" </p><p> </p><p>"he asked me to move in with him and i, i think i'm going to say yes"</p><p> </p><p>her forehead broke away from yours, the coldness of the departing imprint was starting to expand into your facial expression. eyebrows began to burrow, eyes jerk with an influx of ready tears and your lips dropping in the corners into a frown. you weren't sad because you thought you upset her, you were sad because you didn't want to leave her. she had been the mother, sister and best friend since your feet walked its first steps, lips had its first kiss and hands found its first sketchbook. she was the constant light and drive, she was the relaxation after an achy week, the relief and drunkard your smiles where in debt to. she was responsible for who you had become. sure you weren't closing the book, just beginning a new chapter. but this gigantic step felt like you were throwing the whole novel into a fire and watching the flames crumple and curl the pages until they were ash. </p><p> </p><p>"you really love him don't you?" </p><p> </p><p>you didn't admit it to her, only saying it once when you were sure high as hell on the morphine. you nodded your head and allowed one singular tear to fall from the teetering edge of your right eye. she extended her hand, eloping your fingers in hers and squeezed. </p><p> </p><p>"well. we'll always be here for you, but fucking hell please move in with him, our water bill would thank you" </p><p> </p><p>she was trying to suppress her sadness with humour, but a glint in her eye wasn't having it. rey was never an emotional person, and when rose came along, it made you shocked at how much emotion she began to tie to her. you saw a new vision, tears at a disney movie and laughter at a very sexist comedic sketch. you saw that rey was letting rose change her in a way you knew you couldn't. </p><p> </p><p>nudging the side of her shoulder with yours. </p><p> </p><p>"wow, sorry but shower concerts are a must, don't act like you don't either. celine dion wasn't it?" </p><p> </p><p>"oi, do not tell anyone about my version of 'my heart will go on' or i may have to be the one to finish you off" </p><p> </p><p>you didn't respond but lay a flat chuckle into the expanse of the sterile room. leaning her head on your shoulder, you fit yours onto it like a puzzle piece. taking in the last moment where you were her only company and hers yours. you decided in that moment to say yes. you were nearly 20 and rey already 21. she had held your hand for long enough, and you were ready to leave, into the scary world of adulthood and into the comforting and protected arms of someone that could love you in a way rey would only wish. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>snapping out of your intrusion of memory, your back was led flat on the silk sheets that you had once only had fleeting entanglements with. now, as your dimples were shaping into the memory foam, you knew it was permanent. no wondering when it was appropriate for you to slip away, excuse yourself, this was now your bed. yours and his. </p><p> </p><p>him. </p><p> </p><p>finally allowing yourself to turn your head, his eyes were shut but eyelashes flickering, sensing that he was dreaming, you knew he was flat out. after helping you move, or should you say, moving for you, his back was achy, hands raw and feet desperate to be lifted. who knew you had so much shit you wanted to keep. in the beginning you felt bad about encroaching in his personal space, but he reminded you that he wanted your light. to meet his dark. </p><p> </p><p>you thought he was definitely regretting that now, when your mustard pillows with extra tassels began to sprawl over the bedsheets for decoration, or the way all your pink feminine products took up shelves in the bathroom cabinets. even the arrangement of his mugs changed, a few cheesy slogan ones like "have a great day" stood out against the grey and black ceramics. it was your second morning waking up to this picture, and you were starting to feel at home. </p><p> </p><p>home. </p><p> </p><p>he was your definition of home. his prominent nose flaring ever so slightly with the held back snores, his hand laying limp over his broad chest and his hair ruffled messily against the pillow. it all was what you imagined it to be. you forgot to blink almost while staring at what you only believed would be a fleeting moment in your life. your hand shakily removed itself from the warmth of the duvet and hovered over his features for a second. your index finger reaching outwards, you trailed from the bridge of his nose up to his forehead, running an invisible line up and down, pulling him from the 12 hour sleep you let him have. his head shifted in unison, and his eyes began to flicker open. </p><p> </p><p>"good morning" </p><p> </p><p>it felt strange to say, normally it was him telling you politely and subconsciously that the previous night was over and that it was time to leave. but this time it was you, welcoming him back into the reality of your new start to life. </p><p> </p><p>yawing and opening his mouth to an enormous crater. "morning" </p><p> </p><p>you lay your hand on his cheek, subtlely pulling his blurry visioned sleepy gaze to look into yours. his irises met yours instantly. not bothering to encapsulate the waking city behind you, it felt like you were the only version of the world he wanted. you ran your fingers through his hair and began to twirl individual strands between your fingertips.</p><p> </p><p>"did you sleep okay?" </p><p> </p><p>you felt like you should really be asking him that after the amount of carrying boxes and furniture he had undertaken in the past couple of days. </p><p> </p><p>"okay, still a bit painful but i'm feeling much better" </p><p> </p><p>you tapped your side, that had ceased to ache at touch anymore and only causing you to wince when you were strenuously tasked, much to kylo's disgust due to the halt in bedroom activities.</p><p> </p><p>"oh really?" </p><p> </p><p>his hand brushed over your scars, testing your reaction, which only made your breathing pick up its pace and your chest push forward, welcoming his pressured touch. his hand began to snake around your waist, pulling you closer until you were straddling his thigh. </p><p> </p><p>"mhm much better" </p><p> </p><p>there was a twinkle in his eye almost, it caused your core to flutter with a desperation. placing both hands either side of his face, you sunk down into a kiss that was fuelled with morning breath and need. your raw hardness of your lips colliding was reciprocated as his tongue pushed past your teeth without an invite. feeling your core rise and him hardening on your leg, insides beginning to clench and beg for relief. slight moans escaped your mouth and grunts from his to meet it. you angled yourself so your pussy lay over his wrapped cock. beginning to grind back and forth on him, the wetness of your panties was starting to form. </p><p> </p><p>"mmm you're so wet already" </p><p> </p><p>beginning to grind harder, your nails finding the surface of his exposed neck and chest. your breathing became inconsistent and strenuous, your climax was beginning to build. you knew you weren't ready to go back to feeling his cock pump deep inside of you, but you needed him to relive your desires somehow. you rode him fast and felt yourself teeter on the edge. </p><p> </p><p>"come on daddy's thigh. you know you can" </p><p> </p><p>your eyes beginning to shut as you let your inside ride faster and your moans explode louder. you started to spasm on top of him as your insides clenched and rode out your crashing orgasm. one of his hands snaked up your waist and slinked into your night shirt, kneading your tit in his broad palm and pinching your nipple between his callous fingers, you let out a breathy moan. </p><p> </p><p>"ky, ky. i can't" </p><p> </p><p>you knew it was killing him to not be able to fuck you raw, but doctors orders were to abstain from sex for at least a week. in that time the pain would be bearable and subside. the stitches would still be working its magic but you would be able to go back to not being tiptoed around like a child who had just been sent off to sleep. it made you giggle at how needy he was for you, it was a change. normally you being the initiator, begging for his cock in your mouth, now it was him that felt like every shower, seductive lick of the ice cream spoon and wink of your eye was a tease that he couldn't grab onto. you knew your brattiness would come back to bite you in the ass, literally, when the pain had disappeared. but a part of you liked the impending punishments, and he could sense it too. </p><p> </p><p>"i know" </p><p> </p><p>rubbing your thighs for comfort, he rose to your eye level, back leaving the comfort of the sheets. </p><p> </p><p>his forehead was now the one to connect with yours, and his nose lay dormant on the surface of your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"i'm glad you said yes" </p><p> </p><p>"me too"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. check mate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>a typical day with kylo was what you expected it it to be. </p><p> </p><p>early rises left his side of the bed feeling cold and empty, the minute the sudden imprint of his body began to disappear from the sheets, was your wake up call to get up and try and be productive, even though you were now recently, very unemployed. the plaza had to close due to hux's temper tantrum, leaving rose jobless, and the hiatus from the press drove away regular customers who probably hadn't told their wives at home about their private shows on weekday evenings. jakku and tatooine sent a fruit basket as an apology, which you picked at, only really craving the pineapple and strawberries, it now lay limp in separate containers in the fridge for whenever next you felt peckish. </p><p> </p><p>kylo wasn't home a lot and when he was he was shut up in his office yelling down the phone at some inconsiderate asshole. he got a key cut but you promised to not leave the apartment without him, you didn't want to break down in front of him so soon after your little confession in the hospital, but the truth was you were terrified of the outside world. now that you had seen how it could hurt you, you only felt safe within the walls of his apartment. when you were left alone his words still pierced through your ears 'an eye for an eye ren'. it was the only thing rotating and bouncing around in your head. </p><p> </p><p>you tried to preoccupy your days with as much as you could. the first day you decided to snoop around a little bit, kylo was out of town for the day and was coming home late so you decided to take a peak in his office. boring. no dirt whatsoever. no personal photos on the desk, only three black metallic pens with red lids were lined up on the desk, next to a clean fresh notepad. seemed to clean cut for your liking, as you were snooping around his draws your elbow collided with the pad and knocked it off the desk. splattering the fresh lined pages onto the marbled floor, a yellow sticky notes corner caught your eye. prising it through the wedges of paper, his scruffy writing read. </p><p> </p><p>15th December - DON'T FORGET - cherry </p><p> </p><p>your birthday. </p><p> </p><p>you let out a small overwhelming giggle. the only piece of information stuck within the notepad was your birthday. you knew that he cared for you and wanted you around but somehow the small scribbles of a day you hated so much, made you smile with such content that someone was pleased it took place. your mind started to wander about what he could possibly get you, most of your interactions had been either high on some drug, between the sheets or small intimate dinners. lingerie, some weed brownies and fresh pasta surely wouldn't go a miss. </p><p> </p><p>you placed the notepad back onto the desk, placing it precisely where it was left, you eyed the couch and neatly thrown blanket that was over the arm. you had placed it there, when moving in, you didn't realise how many blankets you owned. two were decorated accordingly on the bed, one over the arm of the living room couch and you had embarrassingly placed your favourite one in the office so that one day you could take a nap in the same room to which he was working, falling asleep to his hushed tones voicing concerns on the phone or his fingers typing down harshly on his keyboard. </p><p> </p><p>walking barefoot over, all you could hear was the tapping of your soles colliding with the black marble. you didn't realise how loud your thoughts would be while he was gone, succumbing you to an over wash of paranoia and guilt. the thoughts mixed with the searing pain every now and again made you fucking exhausted. settling down onto the raven black velveteen couch, your body felt so small surrounding the excess of material that you swore could sleep three. pulling the teddy bear fleeced blanket around your entire body, tucking it in around your sides to trap in the warmth, your last blurry eyes focusing down onto the lilac beacon of warmth that was being engulfed by an empty work space.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>you woke up to the familiar feeling of fingers brushing up and down your nose, lulling you out of your nap and awakening you to what you believed was a brand new day. before resting your eyes for what you believed was only ten minutes, you saw the skyline in full midday bloom, the soft rays of the sun silhouetting over each window and curvature. but now you when blinking rapidly, the silhouettes had turned to shadow and the windows acted like pitch black mirrors. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"oh fuck what time is it?" </p><p> </p><p>his hand lay dormant on the side of your cheek, thumb skimming over your face, giving you a sign not to rush or panic that another day had come to a close.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"it's nearly midnight" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>checking his watch with his other hand, you glanced down at his knuckles, small scuffs were plastered all over the brim. you didn't want to freak out or overreact, so you just burrowed your brow to the lash of anger that was abrasing over his skin. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"have you eaten?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>remembering that your diet had been recently very shitty. consisting of takeouts, dying fruits and black coffees. you shook your head at him, he let out a small sigh and reached behind the arm of the couch, lifted a brown bag and shook it in front of your face. you could smell the grease radiating through the bag, oil coating the outside. you shot up out of delight. kylo was never one for a quick burger and fries, which was a revelation when he first decided to order takeout and a full platter of pad thai noodles arrived at the door. your eyes lit up like puppies when teased with the throw of a ball. </p><p> </p><p>he stood from his crouching position and with his index finger brushed the tiredness of scattered stray hairs from your face. extending his hand down to your shoulder, he skimmed over your forearm before grabbing your hand as an invite to join him in the living room. his sighs radiated exhaustiveness. grabbing the bag out of his hand as you entered the open space. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"sit on the couch, i can do this" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>not arguing with your demand, he loosed his tie before pulling it off over his head and flicking open a few buttons of his work shirt. he grabbed the remote to put on his daily influx of news, which always made him stressed when the stocks ran across the border of the print. his brows were already creasing at the anger he was about to be faced with. you quickly grabbed it out of his hand without thinking of the consequences. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"nope. no stocks tonight, you're already tired and probably stressed so, why don't we play a game with dinner instead?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you were thinking on your feet, you couldn't really ask for a silenced meal, you hadn't spoken all day and you knew your endless questions about his knuckles, work and everything in between would begin to blurt out of you and make him regret his choice in bringing you a midnight snack. </p><p> </p><p>a deep chuckle left his mouth, bobbing up and down his adam's apple, and turning his mundane lips into a smile that he was trying to suppress. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hmm and what would you suggest?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you eyed the cabinet in which he lazily had a few games in order to entertain any visitors, and by the sparse amount you could tell he never had anyone round for a games night. one stuck in your mind that you fished from the back, all dusty, you believed he hadn't played it since he was a child at least.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"chess" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>his eyebrows lifted and head tilted ever so slightly to the side, he was analysing you, believing it would be an easy win for him. he nodded slowly but surely. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"alright, but i am pretty good at it" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"fine then lets make it a bet" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you were getting cocky with your quick fired answers back to him now, folding your arms in confidence, while your body towered over his resting one, you leaned in, breaking your hold and placing a hand either side of him on the couch. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"if i win, i want an answer" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"an answer?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you aren't allowed to know the question until i win of course" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>your eyes began to roll at how simple you were being and how confused his face was giving you back. all of a sudden you felt his hands snake round your waist and pull you down to straddle his lap. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"and if i win-" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>his lips collided with your neck, scattering a mixture of aggressive and soft marks over it, hands grabbing your ass behind, making you let out gentle sighs at the sudden impact his hands were making with your body. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"or when i win-" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>his lips left your neck and began trailing his tongue up your jaw before connecting with your earlobe, feeling his nips and sucks drive your core into a verge of insanity. your eyes closed in ecstasy as your hips rolled back and forth in his lap. his words stopped, and you were left teetering on the edge. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"what? hm? whats your- your bet?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>his lips found the entrance to your ear, sending soft breathes and warm sighs straight through your canal with the growled tone of his muffled whispers. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i get to fuck you raw angel" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>your body began to be overrun with goosebumps, sending shivers down your spine, a soft but loud moan left your lips, loosing your own self control and giving in to his actions, you heard his sinister chuckle react to how easy it was to make you flustered. bratty anger now drove you know, running your hand down to his suit trousers where he was already hard for you, you skimmed it up and down in your palm, pants and growls staring to erupt from his own mouth.  colliding your own lips to his ear.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i hope you're not a sore loser" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>and with a bite of his ear, you shot out of his hold, and ran to grab the chess board from the lonely cabinet in the corner. picking up the food along the way he was already sat on the floor, hands tapping down on the lowered coffee table. unpacking the food you lay it to the side and set up the board and pieces. before being able to start moving your pieces, he cut you off with a tut. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"don't you know anything about chess?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>grabbing two of the board pieces, one white and one black, drawing them behind his back, before presenting those same scuffed knuckles in front of you that were concealing the colours. he gestured for you to pick a hand in order to know what colour you'd be playing as. hovering your hand over his left, you snaked your small finger tips round his wrist before allowing him to drop the piece into your palm below. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>white. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you go first. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>hesitating, you moved your white kings pawn up to the fourth row. eyes locking with his, you never broke your stare from him until it was your turn to move again. he was composed, showed no sign of struggle, whereas you, your heartbeat was racing and fingers become shaking with every exchange of moves. him moving his black up. a constant exchange of moving pieces left you feeling nervous, he really wasn't kidding, he was good at this. you only just picked it up after spending some rainy afternoons playing yourself and learning the beginners handbook. suddenly he moved his queens head and checked your kings with it. </p><p> </p><p>composing yourself, to play on, you were prepared for most of his moves, lips red and destroyed from the biting down of your teeth in concentration. it was until he trapped your queen, that you looked up from the board and realised you were better to resign then to play on and admit an ultimate failure. slowly meeting your eyes with his, you studied his face. he was still calm, breath rustling his shirt material ever so slightly, your eyes constantly skimming and scamming about what to do next, that what happened was all a blur. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>throwing the pieces and board off the table, to expose the vast wood, you clambered over it and let his mouth latch onto yours with an aggressive attachment. hands hurriedly found his hair and began to pull and tug, you weren't in a gentle state of mind. lust mixed with your cockiness of anger that you could beat him was fuelling you to be intoxicated with his cologne that was being smelt with every intake of staggered breathe. his hands finding the table either side of you, he skimmed the wood until he found the indent of your lower back, pushing you down onto the table, ceiling lights hung centre above you, spotlighting and blinding you. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>towering over you, suit jacket now laying limp on the floor, attaching his mouth to the side of your neck you arched your back in pure shock that his palm was running its surface over your heat that was beating uncontrollably for his touch. back beginning to arch at the sudden impact, vibrations of his growls left his mouth and radiated against your bare neck. before you could get comfortable with the rhythm of his slow circular motions over your pussy, he grabbed your waist and flipped you onto your stomach. pulling your ass to hang off the end of the coffee table, his familiar whispers latched onto your ear. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you know how long i've been wanting to punish you? for teasing me all those times were you knew i couldn't have you" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>his hand snaked under your jaw and pinched it tightly, raising your head up off the wood, stretching and arching your muscles extortionately. your head moved to the side and your peripherals caught his own, words becoming hard to explain due to the tightness of his control, you spluttered. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"so fucking do it" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>without a seconds difference, his hands found your leggings and ripped them apart, causing you to squeal at the sudden overwhelming anger he was protruding. sharp and precise hits collided with your bare ass cheeks, causing you to whimper in pain and eagerness. one after another shot through your body, his whole palm connecting and leaving raw marks. you couldn't hold back your bellowing moans that he was causing you. his hand that was situated on your neck crept up  and two of his fingers lodged inside your mouth, muffling your cries. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"if you keep moaning angel, the spankings won't stop" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>sucking on his fingers that were causing you to splutter due to the circumference, you took the rest of his hits with silent cries, tears beginning to stream and how he was fucking your mouth relentlessly. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>his hand stroking over your red raw ass cheeks that were pained to the touch, his finger teased with the lace of your underwear, pulling and tugging on it to satisfy your heat with every action, his fingers began to skim over your entrance, causing you to roll your head into the crevice of your elbow. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"so wet for daddy hmm?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you couldn't phrase the words back, panting and exhausted from the impacts of his hands, you nodded and let out a subtle moan back. you felt his cock harden against the back of your thighs and it drove you over the edge. like he read your mind, your eyes closed but ears aware, of the zipper noise that was exposing his hardness to the outside, teasing at your entrance. never giving in, running his pre cum slick over your wetness, waiting for the right moment that you would snap at his unfair mocking. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"beg for it" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you didn't hesitate. you hadn't been fucked by him in what felt like a lifetime, you weren't going to act bratty now, wanting him to satisfy you in a way your fingers could never do. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"please daddy, please fill me with your cock." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>pushing in slowly, you let out a paining moan. it had been so long since your pussy was stretched out by him, it felt like the first time all over again. he began slowly, easing himself in and out until you were comfortable. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"fuck i've missed this" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he began to quicken his pace, staggering his own breathy growls and words in doing so, relentlessly pounding into you now, your moans became uncontrollable, sweat already forming on the back of your neck, sticking your hair to it. one of his hands left the grip on your hips and wrapped itself around the ends of your soaked strands, pulling your neck to arch, you face hit the exposing air and nosies began to echo around the room. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you were close with his touch teetering around your clit, brushing small circles of joy over your soaked pussy. your breath begging to crescendo. he knew you were close and picked up the pace to a level you didn't know was possible. driven by the pain of your stitching, you grabbed the table in sign of submission and your toes beginning to curl in on each other. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"cum for me hmm, coat this cock"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you didn't have to follow that command twice. and neither did he. filling you with him, his growls became ravenous and animalistic and your noises meeting his with pure euphoria and elation. he rode your orgasm out, slowing the pace over a few minutes, until you were both left panting from exhaustiveness. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>pulling his palms over your waist, he steadily lifted your broken and sweaty body off of the surface and onto the floor. still catching your breath, his hand met your face, wiping away the smeared mascara from your under eyes. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you did so well baby" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you gave him back a breathy smile .</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"well you did win so" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he chuckled, not even remembering the chess game that caused an outburst of sensual teasing, the pieces were scattered across the floor, whites and blacks intermingling with each other, laying limp on there sides. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you were a good match. now what was your question?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"but i didn't win-" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i don't care, i want to know"</p><p> </p><p>you looked away from him for a moment. your fingers intertwining with the strands on your head, brushing them out of your gaze, eyes found your fingernails that were already picked down to the brim from paranoia about asking him. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"what- what did hux mean when he said an eye for an eye"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. confession.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: death references</p><p>(on repeat while writing)</p><p>heal by tom odell </p><p>the curse - agnes obel</p><p>let it all go - RHODES, birdy</p><p> </p><p>you thought you knew him, or at least were starting to get to know him. you thought the move in, the putting up with all your games would somehow melt his heart a little more than he decided to let on.</p><p> </p><p>but when those words left your mouth, he froze.</p><p> </p><p>deadpanned his hazel orbs stared right into your own, glaring you down in a way that could shake an enemy.</p><p> </p><p>but you weren't going to let him shut you out again. not like the beginning, when he asked you to leave. or the countless times he'd leave you shaking and isolated after he was 'done with you'.</p><p> </p><p>you deserved the truth.</p><p> </p><p>you waved your hand in front of him to try and grab his attention, looking as if he'd shifted realities and was unable to break the void and hear this old world.</p><p> </p><p>"kylo. i'm trying to talk to you"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>nothing.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the abyss of silence was beginning to deafen and echo around the living room. his blinkered lids subtly moving to and fro, fixated on the floor. twitches in his eyes could describe to you that he was thinking. of what to do, or what to say. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you gave out a large sigh after waiting well over five minutes in the old silence that began to become familiar to you almost. and started daintily picking up the sprawled chess pieces that lay idly on their sides of the marble floor. trying to keep your mind busy, black pawn, white pawn. your hands were shaking, murmuring curse words under your breath while doing so. rummaging around trying to find the last white queen, it lay gentile near his crouched knee. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you reached out and his hand fell onto yours. stopping you from closing the game box and comfortably placing the queen back into the world of mixed stranger pieces. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he didn't say a word, not even a whisper of a sentence. but held out his opposing hand for you to take. you were confused by the intimate action, that you believed would lead to more sex, solving the countless problems. you hesitated to take it, unsure of his doings or actions without the murmur of any syllable. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"please.."</p><p> </p><p>a tear rolled from his right eye, and the quiver of this lip began to form. two signs that his barricades were trying to lower in confrontation of his regular primitive behaviour. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"kylo where are we going" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>his hand never leaving yours, squeezing it till the blood circulation rendered your fingers and nails numb to the expose of air your face felt as the fire exit door welcomed you to the roof top of the apartment building. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it was the dead of night and the bustle and noise of the city was still ever prevalent. but your ears where only fixated on his sounds, his murmurs, his confessions. leading you to ledge that overlooked the below traffic and surrounded your entire beings with neon hues of the restless city. the dark clouds loomed above you and the slow movements of the wind began to tickle sparse stray strands of hair in front of your eyelids. his hand remained in yours the entire way from the living room to the ledge, never letting your skin disembark from the connection to his. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you sat in a pit of silence for a while longer, letting his thumb caress the surface of your skin, trailing down each finger to knuckle, indenting his lips to your whole palm when he was done, his hands fell cold and shaky. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i-" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you wanted to respond but you knew that his heart was tugging and pulling at the strings within his carcass to cease up and shut himself back down. so you lay silent, urging him with your eyes alone that it was okay to tell you the truth. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i haven't been honest with you" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you still did not let your tongue roam free, only squeezing his palm as an acceptance of his start and effort that was inherently causing him pain. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>just as he was beginning to speak again, rain began to trickle and fall from those same dark clouds above, dropping onto the outwardness of his nose, you followed it as it trickled down past his nostrils and lay idle on his lips. it caught him off guard. looking up above and so did you, you welcomed the freshness and life it was dropping onto you. your hair beginning to collect the precipitation and fingers becoming slippery in each others comfort. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"we should go in-" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"no" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you took control. you knew that if you escaped the raw rain and ventured back into the apartment that kept him hostage within himself, he would cease and rust, never to be unlocked again. he would brush off your answer and tell you it was just a silly remark and that the rooftop meant nothing. that you should forget about it. you couldn't let the darkness consume him any more, you wanted him to be free of this pain that had held him like a puppet on strings since the moment he was orphaned. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i happen to like the rain" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>so you waited for a response, as the water began to fall more frequently now, collecting on his sexed hair and creating smooth curls that fell over his forehead, creating a small tap that let droplets go every minute, falling from the strands of raven onto the concrete of the ledge that you both were sat comfortably on. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i- i lied the other day, about, about my life" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>it was killing him inside, the words croaking out from his very pursed and trembling lips. but you were willing to be patient, anger did not come into your breath of response, how were you to be angry at a man that had been manipulated all his life. the choices that he made were not those of his own, but by the loyalty that was driven into his utter core in order to regain and remain loved by those who faked him into thinking so. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"hux said what he said because, because-" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he was faltering now, the words became raised in pitch and more broken in sound. his hand slid away from yours, adjusting the sopping curls that were becoming heavy and long over his brow. looking away from you and focusing on the outwardness of the cities ongoings, you needed to connect with him, you needed  him to see that you weren't going away too easily, no matter the revelations that were soon to be revealed. grabbing at his face with palms on either side, you could tell that it wasn't just the rain that was falling from him cheeks. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"its okay ky, you can say it" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>thumbs running away the mixture of rain and desperation, you let your palm slip and found its new home amongst his once again. now you began to trail your fingers over his, making sure that the unusual comfort of reciprocated affection that was being welcomed into him was normal and needed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"because its true. i - i killed someone. someone he loved" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>your fingers stopped tracing. looking up at him now, the rain streaming down your mascara and burning your retinas as the reaction. you welcomed the pain, never blinking once or rubbing the material away. he was expecting you to have gotten up and left. slamming the fire exit door behind, and leaving him to drown in the rain surrounding by the blurred lights. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you didn't speak back. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i was in my 20s, just turned 20 actually and snoke, he, he had some unfinished business with a partner of his and he needed me to fix it." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"why you?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you finally let yourself speak. in a hushful tone to not startle him or make him regret his choices up until now. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i was new, i guess. hungry for a place in the world and he was offering it to me, if i did this favour." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>your heart began to beat ever so quickly. you weren't afraid of him, no. you were terrified for him. his loyalty sort past the occasional defence in an argument, it looked past the extra working hours. his loyalty to snoke was drenched and soaked in blood. clouding his vision with red and driving him to commit unspeakable acts so that a requited admiration and fatherly figure would reward him in the only way he could remember. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"so, how does hux come into this?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>your question began to press and make his brows furrow but you needed to know, he was being so brave but you needed the whole truth. why hux did what he did, why they had business and why you ended up in a hospital bed with more stitches then you could count on your fingers. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"the man i killed, was, was his father" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>your hearing abraded and numbed. blinkered by the information you froze. 'an eye for an eye'. how could you be so stupid, it was as plain and simple as the colour of his sweater and the rain that was making it turn an even darker shade of black. you didn't speak for you let him finish, explaining like he was in a wooden box on a sunday at confession. pleading with you with his eyes and grabbing your fingers to reach towards his chin and stubble. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"his father, stole everything from snoke. was too hungry for power. too lethal. so needed to be dealt with. hux hated his father, snoke even asked for him to do the job himself, but i knew it was just a front. so i volunteered. i knew he wouldn't be able to do it, even as much as he despised him. so i stepped up" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you felt sorry for them both all of a sudden. as much as you hated hux and how he treated you when working at the cherry plaza, you could always smell the overwhelming scent of loneliness that reeked off of his clothing. never meeting anyone new, never having special visitors, you remember once you forgot your duffle the night of christmas eve and saw him taking stock in the office. even offering to grab a drink but he brushed you off so abrasively you never asked again. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he was just as alone as you. as kylo. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"but, even though he said he felt nothing. i could sense it broke him. he was like a brother, and i betrayed him just to rise in the ranks and remain loyal" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>looking down at his own hands now, he took them out of your clasp. and just stared. like he was hallucinating almost. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i still saw the blood, seeping into my skin, every crevice, under each finger nail. i saw it. i still heard the screams when i'm alone, the pleading for life, the 'son?' leaving his lips as he breathed his last breath. its tearing me apart" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"son?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"he and snoke raised me. even though it would have driven hux to ending his own life, it felt like i was killing the only father figure i had ever looked up to" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he was trying hard to hold the flow of tears urged by sadistic memories from surfacing, it was causing him pain to relive that. and in return it broke your own heart that you ever questioned those words. you wanted him to keep going, keep talking. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"and then- along came you. and i realised that i could no longer hear the screams, no longer see the blood. you made it all fade away and i was scar-, i was scared. that if i told you on the night that i had, that i would see you walk out that door, see you leave, and the past return" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>tears began to fill in your sockets, you weren't aware of the blunt affection he held for you. sure you had an inkling, the moving, the takeouts and the gifts. but all signs of material ownership. his words now, they weren't filled with an exchange of something or to hear you be grateful for the things he had given you. they were raw, and untouched feelings. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"it was because i- because i-" </p><p> </p><p>"ky?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he was mumbling now, mixing and croaking out his words, scattering vowels and syllables out into the rainstorm that you needed him to be clear, clarified with his expression. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"its because i love you that i was so afraid" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>looking into his eyes now, and him into yours. time stopped, the rain mid fall stopped and the noises of cars all fell to silence. your lips rushed to meet his, and the intertwining of both of your soaked skin collided and ignited its own ocean. aggressively battling each others waves, your tongues like small lifeboats on a restless sea. you sunk deeper and deeper, until you were drowning in his kiss. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>parting briefly, and foreheads connecting in the requited touches place. you began to whisper. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i love you, i love you, i love you" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>before collapsing again, into each others lips, into each others arms of safety, as the rain began to fall again around you, soaking the clothes onto your skin.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. happy birthday.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>man on the moon - zella day (the most wholesome song and just fits so well for this chapter) </p><p>it wasn't long before your soaking clothes were collecting puddles on the bedroom floor. bra straps wetted down by the rain, slipping down your shoulders easily with the brute force of his dampened hands that were caressing over your skin. painted and scattered with droplets of condensation your bare nipples hit the vast evening air with anticipation before being gently greeted with the entrapment of his plush warm lips that began nipping and biting generously at their peaks. your neck bent backwards and fit softly into the palm of his hand that was aiding your moans with comforting support. arching your back into a bow form, his hand traveled from the indent of your neck to the exposed valley of your torso gliding your body down onto the satin fabric underneath. </p><p> </p><p>resuming his position, his dampened hair began to soak and tickle at your naked form, causing you to let out a soft giggle intertwined with the patience of your sighing moans. you could feel a smile form on his cheeks as his newly grimaced dimples brushed over your skin. his index fingers simultaneously found your underwear and wrapped themselves around the laced fabric before steadily travelling the material over your thighs and knees before being unhooked from your bare legs. </p><p> </p><p>your heartbeat raced and fluttered at the temptation and want for him to be firm, but something had changed after the rooftop confession. a glow of light succumbed to softness of actions that overwhelmed his motions and treated you with such fragility and futility. </p><p> </p><p>the aggression that once dominated his harsh impediments over chess had vanished like the board, discarded and placed back in the box. his lips roamed over your entire being, like taking in a painting for the first time, studying the different strokes, mixture of colours and story it was conveying. eyes never leaving yours, watching how you reacted to the tender motions that were sending you into a new form of angelic bliss. the furrow of a brow, the formation of an o over your lips and the hands that roamed down to his wetted hair all edging you into needing him. all of him. </p><p> </p><p>his lips found a new location, trailing from your nipples they left sweet saturated marks all across your torso until finding your entrance that was beating profusely for him. a pause in time, his eyes connected deep into yours, and reality set in. the vulnerability, the raw sentiment, the darkness that once consumed him was now dissolving the blinding, hindering mist. it was just you and him, in an intimate moment of imperfection. </p><p> </p><p>before your surroundings could ground you to the facts, his tongue ran up and down your folds, teasing your bud. sensitivity rising to maximum, your hips moved mildly in reaction to the desired touch. his nose brushed against you, driving you to buck more impatiently now. not having to beg or speak, he obeyed and gave in to his teased games. handing you the control, your fingers locked onto his drying curls and aided his face into you. harsher, louder moans escaped your mouth, muffling his name and words of love as he gifted you satisfaction, you could feel your orgasm arriving. before giving in, two fingers daintily drove themselves into you, causing you to wince into a euphoric haze. </p><p> </p><p>not announcing your orgasm, he picked up the pace and rode your boundless shakes out. trying to close your legs, he placed his palm onto your inner thigh to halt your instinct action. trailing his kisses back up past your stomach, braising over both nipples and the crevice of your neck, until finding the surface of your lips. tasting the whole of him, his tongue pushed past your defences and mingled with yours in a slow waltz. skimming his fingers against your side until placing the touch onto your bottom lip, the communication was silent, you accepted, running your tongue over them before closing your lips around them and pulling the remanence off while gazing into the hazel daydreams. </p><p> </p><p>feeling him already hard against your inner thigh, you reached down to begin to return the favour but he batted your gift away with his own free hand, shaking his head before placing the forehead to connect to yours, soft gentle whispers left his mouth in cooed words. </p><p> </p><p>"i want to make you feel special angel, its all for you tonight" </p><p> </p><p>a bite on your lip began to form and the glint in his eyes showed how your reaction made him as needy to be inside you, as you wanted. catching his lips back to yours, you shut your eyes and felt the wanted touch finally being reciprocated with nothing but love. lust wasn't driving him now, this now not being a distraction or a release of anger, it was now a connection, a need to be ever close and the freed response to exposed love. </p><p> </p><p>while being seduced by the gentleness of his mouth and tongue, you were brought out of your dream with the intense pressure of him pushing himself past your soaking folds. welcoming him in, you opened your gate even more, and were capitulated by him effortlessly navigating into you. causing you to wrap your arms around his neck, joining your fingers together to become unbreakable. pushing in and out slowly, once you nodded in acceptance his pace quickened ever so slightly. still treating you like a china doll, brushing pieces of hair out of your sweating and blushed faced. he started to leave droplets of innocence in the form of kisses from your cheek to your neck. </p><p> </p><p>the low tumbled grunts filling the only words spoken, he fit his head into the crevice of your neck while his hands lay dormant on your hips, now and again slowly stroking them in a loving reassurance. combined with the flowing pressure of him and the nipping at your skin, your second wave was close. unhooking your hands from his back you pulled his face to connect to yours, his grunts getting louder with every thrust could tell you that he was ready to. drawing your forehead to his and never blinking to miss his affectioned face, you both came simultaneously, your sighs and moans creating a crescendo chorus. earthy pants pulling you back down onto the satin sheets, he lay into you for a few minutes after, taking in the emotive art you both had just created.</p><p>rolling onto his back now, you both lay, staring into the ceiling that combined an epitome of darkness with the flecks of outside light, not speaking one word. shakily you rose from the dampened sheets, and patted your bare feet along the marble to the bathroom. leaving him to regain his breath. </p><p> </p><p>sitting down on the cool ceramic you couldn't help the smile that was manipulating itself over your face, you couldn't believe your new reality. you didn't want to believe it. you had found love. and in return you had given it. finishing up, you wiped the gloss from where once was your lips, and situated now onto your chin, away. fixing your hair ever so slightly, you pulled the door handle down, not waiting to be reunited.</p><p> </p><p>he was laying under the sheets now, but seemed to be as if he was staring at the shut door, waiting for your return like a puppy reunited with its owner after a long day at work. pulling back the sheets to welcome you into his warmth. your feet couldnt run any faster. snuggling under the silk, connecting your back with his stomach, you felt his heavy breath on your neck before the soft touch of his lips. </p><p> </p><p>"mmm what time is it?" </p><p> </p><p>looking around you realised you were surrounded by an overgrowing darkness. </p><p> </p><p>"its around 3 am" </p><p> </p><p>not realising it was that late, you rolled yourself over to look into his darkened features as best you could. his hand found your cheek, before tucking stray strands behind your rosy ears. his lips connected with your lobe before rushing soft breaths down your canal.</p><p> </p><p>"happy birthday angel" </p><p> </p><p>you had completely forgotten it was your birthday. you always hated birthdays.rey usually tried to get the day off work but ultimately got roped into working a double shift. leaving you in an empty apartment, baking your own singular cupcake and potentially falling asleep to reruns of the bachelor. but not this year. your birthday had started with a confession that you had never believed would come and sex that felt more like flowing communication. you didn't care about the rest of the waking day, you wanted to stay in the moment forever. </p><p> </p><p>"thank you, now i don't know about you but i am exhausted" </p><p> </p><p>"mhm, well you need to get some rest, pulled some strings and you have me for the entire day tomorrow, and you can determine the whole day" </p><p> </p><p>you sat up now, excited that he had planned to let you dominate and dictate the whole day, letting you take the reins, your mind started to wander about what to do. see a play? take a horse ride around central park? you didn't care what you did, you were just happy to be with him. you could spend the entire day wrapped in his arms and these sheets. and it would make you the happiest person in the world. </p><p> </p><p>"are you serious?" </p><p> </p><p>"mhm, i have a reservations for the evening. but the entire day is yours" </p><p> </p><p>you squealed and kissed around his entire face before placing your lips eventually onto his. resting down once again your back collided once again with his stomach. falling asleep to his fingers trailing over your stretch marks and stomach, your insecurities had been silenced and his affectionate loved filled the space</p><p>.</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>waking up to the teasing of fresh coffee under your nose, your eyes blinked and winced at the mornings light. he was sitting next to you, cheesy mug in hand, tempting you into a state of being awake. you sat up after rubbing your irises clear from sleep and accepted the warmth into your palms. you took him in as he raised his own coffee (in one of your bright pink mugs) to his lips. </p><p> </p><p>"good morning" </p><p> </p><p>"good morning to you too" </p><p> </p><p>you sat in silence while slurping down your liquid that was pulling you into a wide eyed state. he was staring at you like he was trying not to say something, just a beaming smile that exposed his teeth was being replaced with a small chuckle. </p><p> </p><p>"what?" </p><p> </p><p>he didn't answer but just shifted his head in the direction of the bedroom balcony, shifting your head to where he was directing you, you saw it. clambering over the sheets before running to pull the transparent door open, not bothering to cover your bare legs or feet, your toes hit the softness and hands found the iced balcony. </p><p> </p><p>snow. </p><p> </p><p>your eyes beamed at the freshly fallen snow that covered the city in sheets of pure white powder. you had never experienced a 'white christmas' that was always promised within the songs that permeated and radiated through the radio and every shop you had set foot in around december. </p><p> </p><p>hands found your stomach and wrapped themselves tightly around you, letting your head fall back onto his chest, his head sat perfectly, lowered onto the top of your hair. </p><p> </p><p>"happy birthday little one, now what's on the agenda hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>your mind had been filled with countless scenarios of how you wanted the day to go, but one slightly menacing plan had just entered your mind, and your heart was set on it. turning to look up at him now. you giggled at your plan. </p><p> </p><p>"ice skating, i want to go ice skating at rockefeller"</p><p> </p><p>he let out a huff and shook his head at your childish eagerness.</p><p> </p><p>"ugh, can't you pick something else please-" </p><p> </p><p>"nope. i want to go skating, come on, with the lights and the tree it'll be so magical" </p><p> </p><p>"but-" </p><p> </p><p>you laughed at his hinderance to accept your birthday plans. </p><p> </p><p>"what can you not skate or something hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>his eyes caught yours, and his face became dead set. you laughed profoundly and hit his side in a joking tease </p><p> </p><p>"awwww can daddy not skate. god, now we have to go, you can be my entertainment for the day" </p><p> </p><p>before allowing him to answer you back you passed him a wink and pat on the shoulder before running back into the warmth to get ready for your day ahead. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"this is not my idea of fun angel" </p><p> </p><p>both of you wrapped up in endless layers of coats, scarfs and gloves. you glided circles around kylo, who was slowly moving one foot in front of other, arms stretched out and hovering over the rail for support. moving too quickly, giving himself a heart attack as he nearly stumbled and collided with the ice underneath him. </p><p> </p><p>"aw, does someone need a penguin?" </p><p> </p><p>pointing to the small children opposite who glided round the ice faster than him with the aid of training penguins. his face was numb to any sense of fun, too focused on the one task he wasn't able to be number one at. you joked with him for a few more minutes before extending your own gloved hands to join his and pull him away from the edge. accepting after a while of manipulating, you started to skate him slowly round the ice. </p><p> </p><p>"why couldn't we have just stayed in the shower this morning? instead of coming all the way out here, to skate in the fucking cold. you're sick if you think this is fun" </p><p> </p><p>"says the man who enjoys closing my airway off each night" </p><p> </p><p>"oh come on you know you like that too" </p><p> </p><p>you were feeling menacing today and his come back had you wanting to test his boundaries. breaking your hold, you left him stranded in the middle of the rink, trying to balance his broad body out to not fall, he shouted your name to come back and pull him to safety. skating circles around him now. </p><p> </p><p>"fucking come back before i fall. this isn't funny anymore" </p><p> </p><p>"not until you take it back" </p><p> </p><p>"oh my god are you serious?" </p><p> </p><p>"deadly sir" </p><p> </p><p>he was faltering now, arms flailing and balance tipping, his skates moving back and fourth trying to maintain his standing position. </p><p> </p><p>"fine fine i take it back !" </p><p> </p><p>you skated back to him now and let his hands find yours, slowly but steadily you glided him off of the ice after seeing enough of him in utter torture.</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>next stop was the natural history museum, which ended with him finding the least busy exhibits just to make out with you against a darkened wall. after being moved along by security many, many times you settled to looking at the ever confusing map, trying to locate the cafe to grab some lunch before pulling him back into the torture of your birthday extravaganza. </p><p> </p><p>finding a quiet bench, away from the screaming children, you both sat and drank your coffee, sharing a brownie. he kept staring into your eyes, like he wanted to tell you exactly what you were thinking. </p><p> </p><p>"do i have chocolate on my face or something?" </p><p> </p><p>"yes, you actually do but that not what i wanted to say" </p><p> </p><p>extending his thumb to wipe the chocolate chip piece off of your mouth before sucking the food off of his own finger. you tilted your head to the mundane affection your day had been filled with. </p><p> </p><p>"what did you want to say?" </p><p> </p><p>"just- just that i've never felt so comfortable around someone before. its odd to me, how fun life can be just doing normal things"</p><p> </p><p>your heart was beginning to melt. </p><p> </p><p>"normal things? are you telling me you've lived in this city your whole life and never once came here?" </p><p> </p><p>"nope" </p><p> </p><p>"shut up. you've never seen the fucking dinosaur exhibit. wow and i'm supposed to be the child in this relationship. i think i need to switch to the title of 'old man' instead hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>he chuckled at your sensitive and deterrent cheesy response. you liked making him laugh, relaxing him into a state of the moment. seeing him tense and void from all phases made your heart ache for him. but this smiley, kid like man who was sat on a children's bench sipping cheap coffee out of a cardboard cup, made you believe you were helping him somehow. </p><p> </p><p>"wow, you're extra feisty today" </p><p> </p><p>"well it is my birthday so. no punishments today" </p><p> </p><p>his eyes narrowed while bringing the plastic lid up to his mouth before drinking the last remaining drops of his latte. </p><p> </p><p>"hmm sure" </p><p> </p><p>looking down at his watch, his eyebrows raised. </p><p> </p><p>"oh fuck, we have to go." </p><p> </p><p>"and why's that?" </p><p> </p><p>"i made us reservations for dinner" </p><p> </p><p>"care to tell me where" </p><p> </p><p>"you'll have to find out" </p><p> </p><p>and with his body being pulled up from the bench, he grabbed your hand into his and left the bustling cafeteria and back out into the city where snow was beginning to fall once again.</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>you decided that because it was kylo, it would be some five star, eight course, dimly lit restaurant with ambient music that would somehow turn you on. choosing a black number, it was a short black strapped dress that you paired with a white mesh long sleeved top underneath and tights that were scattered with small black hearts. finishing it off with a black belt and knee highs, you wrapped yourself with a large jacket (possibly stolen from kylo's own closet) and sprayed yourself in some perfume he gifted as a small token this morning. </p><p> </p><p>running out into the living room where he was patiently waiting, knee shaking in anticipation and fiddling with his phone that looked miniature within his hand, he stood up, in awe of your appearance. </p><p> </p><p>"you look- beautiful" </p><p> </p><p>slowly clipping over to him, you ran your hands over his suit jacket and pulled him down to you so his lips could meet yours as a gesture of a thank you. </p><p> </p><p>"okay i think i'm ready. now can you tell me?" </p><p> </p><p>"no can do little lady, now put this on" </p><p> </p><p>handing you a blindfold you looked at him in wonder.</p><p> </p><p>"ky i thought we were going out for dinner?" </p><p> </p><p>"oh angel" </p><p> </p><p>he chuckled. </p><p> </p><p>"we can use that later if you want, but this is just so you can't figure out the restaurant before getting there" </p><p> </p><p>cheeks turning red that you believed everything resulted in sex, you silently mouth and "ohhhh" before placing it daintily over your eyes and reached out to use his hands as your only visual aid. </p><p>he was chuckling as you tried to fumble yourself and your belongings to the front door and into the porsche. falling and tripping over yourself, he finally picked you up into an over the shoulder hold, slapping your ass as you entered what you believed was the car garage. </p><p>"oh you're loving getting me back after today aren't you?"</p><p>placing you into the passenger seat finally, strapping you in. his lips found you ear, making you jump at the sudden noise. </p><p>"you bet baby" </p><p>revving the engine, the only sense that you could figure out was like touch. his free hand from the wheel caressing your thigh in an aim of distraction. you hated to admit it, but it was forever working.</p><p>a few turns down blocks and the brief flashes of the city lights until your movements came to a stop. you heard him escape his side of the car before pulling you out into the exposed air of the night. </p><p>pushing what felt like a door in front of you, you entered the restaurant. no ambient music, no dimly lit vibe was felt. only pure darkness. his fingers found the back of the blindfold and allowed the light to finally meet your eyes. </p><p>darkness. </p><p>"ky what's-"</p><p>"SURPRISE!"</p><p>lights flashed on, and you realised were you were, mo's diner. rey and rose pulling poppers, surrounded by banners and balloons. poe and fin held drinks in their hand and others raised their glasses towards you and kylo.</p><p>you turned to him.</p><p>"you did all this?"</p><p>rey shouted out before he could respond. </p><p>"well he needed some help"</p><p>you planted a kiss on his cheek, squeezing his hand before running over to your friends who you had shut yourself off from ever since the incident. </p><p>"happy birthday my love!"</p><p>"20, fuck. have fun with that year" </p><p>you felt new love around you. people handing you endless drinks and gifts, kylo's hand found your lower back while allowing you to explore all the new faces that welcomed you into another year of life. </p><p>rose reached out for a longing hug.</p><p>"damn well we've both had pretty shitty years huh?"</p><p>you couldn't help but chuckle before your face fell into a sopping remorse.</p><p>"rose i'm so-"</p><p>"hey hey stop it now. drink this huh? this is your night"</p><p>passing you a shot your swirled it down the back of your throat before being handed another after another.</p><p>-<br/>-<br/>your night had been filled with drinking games and countless burgers and fries made by mo. kylo had seemed to fit right in. answering all finns questions about the industry and rey's grilling questions about how he was treating you.</p><p>while talking to rose about your day he found your back once more and asked to pull you outside for a smoke. </p><p>reddened cheeks hitting the city air your eyes couldn't help but fall to the work that was built in a high rise opposite. your tears beginning to overwhelm you at the distance of how your life was with work before your eventful month began. </p><p>"are you okay angel?"</p><p>"hmm? oh yeah i'm fine, just hard to see a place that i loved to see everyday as just another building now" </p><p>"oh"</p><p>his eyes settled on jakku and tattoine opposite the diner and you sunk your head against him, in a seek for comfort. </p><p>stubbing out his cigerette he pulled a piece of paper out of his inner jacket before turning to you. </p><p>"well i don't suppose this will help?"</p><p>you threw your cigarette to the ground in wonder. and grasped at the paper that was wanted to be handed to you.</p><p>reading it through streamed eyes all you could make out, that made sense was:</p><p>'jakku and tattoine business owner: kylo ren.'</p><p>"you didn't"</p><p>"i did"</p><p>"you bought the fucking company" </p><p>"yes. and poe said he'd love you to lead the team" </p><p>"what- me a manager? ky oh my fucking god. wait does that make you my boss?"</p><p>"mhm seems that way"</p><p>"so i'd be dating my boss?"</p><p>"yes"</p><p>"surely that's a scandal"</p><p>"oh come on you love breaking the rules. besides you now run the company. i think letting your boss fuck you when you get home is a great way to release stress" </p><p>"hmm i guess so" </p><p>and without anymore talking, your hands wrapped around him and sunk deep into his kiss. feeling the snow fall around you and the noise of the inside partying. you now realised, you liked birthdays.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. office dilemmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: violence </p><p>it was christmas eve and you were still stuck at the office. </p><p> </p><p>your first week at work felt surreal. like you were a child that was thrown into the deep end with a deflated life raft. but you loved every minute, even if you looked like you were drowning on the surface, your legs were working tirelessly underneath to keep you afloat and calm. after kylo sprung the new position on you outside mo's, you started to become flustered at how much power he was giving to you. normally it was the other way around. but as you got used to deciding designers, choosing models and creating your own work space, you liked the dominating control you had. sitting at your desk, finishing up an email with a client you gazed at the photo that lay on your desk, you and kylo asleep on the couch with chinese boxes surrounding you, only rey would have had the balls to whip out her polaroid camera and take a cheeky photo before vanishing back into her room. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"i cant believe you did this whole surprise just for me" you splurted out of your mouth that was filled to the brim with cheese fries. wiping away the drunken haze of grease from the side of your mouth, you and kylo sat huddled together in a booth, while rey had everyone else doing the macarena at 3 am. </p><p> </p><p>"well you are my angel" he mumbled back to you while his eyes lay shut, and head pondered its weight against the condensated window of the diner. his hand lay flat on your thigh, stroking your knee in soft circles, both too tired to act upon any intimate touch in the bathroom but happy that you could feel each other close. "besides this isn't even your present" </p><p> </p><p>your sat up out of your food coma, surprised at all the luxuries he had already showered you with and wondered what else he could get you. you were already happy, you didn't need anything else from him. </p><p> </p><p>when you finally retired to your apartment it was dawn and the city was finally waking up, making coffee as your haze of sleep had passed, kylo had to leave to see snoke in a couple of hours and you had promised to head to the office and get a full run down from poe. mugs in hand, kylo took yours out of your palm and pulled two boxes out from under the sofa. </p><p> </p><p>you were astonished. one was emerald green and rectangular with a black bow wrapped around  and tied delicately on top, while the other was almost briefcase like, only smaller, your gut dropped when your eyes gazed over it. </p><p> </p><p>he handed you the black box first and a gasp left your mouth at the sudden shift in his actions. placing the cool leather on your legs, your fingertips skimmed the crevices and corners before unhooking the seal and raising the lid. your eyes were dead-set on its contents and you swore you stopped breathing. </p><p> </p><p>a gun. </p><p> </p><p>he had bought you, your own gun. it was only a hand gun that could fit in your purse but when you picked it up and the barrel glimmered in the light, you couldn't help but revel at how beautiful it was. silver with patterns of ivy trailing the barrel while the grip was coated in a shell cream that felt cool to the touch. it wasn't too heavy and the bullets, when checking the rounds, were engraved with 'angel'. you didn't know what to say, shocked and stunned. you thought you would never need a gun, but being with kylo, you forgot about his occupation, until now. when it all hit you, he was in a dangerous position and you might be dragged under with him. you needed protection. </p><p> </p><p>"ky- i" </p><p> </p><p>"i know it's stupid, i just thought because of snoke and people like hux, you need something, just in case, maybe i shouldn't have-" </p><p> </p><p>"no, i love it. really i do." </p><p> </p><p>without another second, you reached across to him and attached your lips onto his, moving the box to the side you straddled him to sink deeper into his kiss. sighs and moans fuelling the silence of the living room, his hands began to roam and trail down your spine, ruffling up your dress. you paused and brought the gun up to his jaw, making him detach from your lips and stare you in the eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"hmm i don't think we have time for that do we?" </p><p> </p><p>a low grunt and eye roll left his motions. " who are you and what have you done with my baby girl hmm? daddy likes this version." </p><p> </p><p>"well" pushing the gun further into his jaw, " daddy better get used to it" and with a small laugh and a kiss on the cheek you hopped off his legs and sat expectant of the next gift. </p><p> </p><p>that now lay on your desk at work. a marble framed photo of the two of you, he called rey a day before and got her to give him the polaroid to place in the frame. knowing your new desk would need a few sentimentals, he knew you liked the romantic bullshit even when it made him cringe in irony.</p><p>- </p><p> </p><p>you were pulled out of your day dream with a knock on your glass door. it was him, carrying what seemed like dumplings in a takeout bag, he entered before you could muster words. </p><p> </p><p>"how's my little girl doing hmm? working hard i hope" </p><p> </p><p>"nuh uh, here i am not your little girl, i am a CEO" </p><p> </p><p>"hmm, i like miss ren a bit better" </p><p> </p><p>he started grinning and chuckling at the way your face fell open and gobsmacked, practically picking your jaw up off your cluttered desk. </p><p> </p><p>"fucking vic. i told him not to call me that" </p><p> </p><p>"and i love that it annoys you" </p><p> </p><p>as the words of affirmation left his mouth he placed all your sketches into a pile to make room for your daily lunch that you always took together. sometimes it would be a walk in the park and a bagel, a fancy brunch or him bringing you takeout when he saw that your schedule was too busy for a three course lunch. you did ponder as to why you never brought him lunch, but realising that he had ties with a lot of wanted men by the FBI, you thought bringing him a tuna sub might tarnish his 'bad man' reputation. </p><p> </p><p>"i think i'm going to be working late tonight. me and poe need to sign off on next years designs and we've already gone over the deadline" </p><p> </p><p>"i like seeing you work angel, it's sexy. i'll cancel dinner. i have some business to take care off anyways" </p><p> </p><p>he adjusted his suit when the words left his mouth, fidgeting in his chair opposite the table, you could tell something was on his mind. </p><p> </p><p>"what is it ky?" </p><p> </p><p>"oh-nothing" </p><p> </p><p>moving his chopsticks round his bowl, he was visibly running over plans and scenarios in his head. and it worried you at the sudden cold brush off. </p><p> </p><p>"no. we aren't doing that again. you have to be honest with me. we've come this far" </p><p> </p><p>"it's snoke, he knows about us and well- he doesn't give his blessing lets just say." </p><p> </p><p>you started to get angry now. how could this mysterious man who somehow held the strings over a man you took a bullet for, decide where and who he could fuck. </p><p> </p><p>"so? who cares about his fucking blessing?" </p><p> </p><p>"that's why i'm going to talk to him. i - i can't lose you. ever since you were fucking high in my passenger seat, i knew. this wasn't the life i wanted anymore." </p><p> </p><p>you stayed silent. he was rambling but it was what you wanted. you liked when he let his emotions take control. you liked how he could let go with you. even when it was an angered rage about why at the end of the titanic the quote on quote "crazy old bitch, chucked a fucking priceless necklace in the fucking ocean". </p><p> </p><p>"he's sensed it coming. i've been preoccupied. messy. leaving loose ends. it's time for me to get out. i have shares in businesses, i have a whole other life without him. i'm just- he won't let me go without a fight and i know that. but i'm leaving today. tonight. " </p><p> </p><p>he was packing up before you even had the choice to speak back to him and talk him out of it. a part of you didn't want to talk him out of it, sure you knew it would be dangerous and this might be your last moments with him, but you could see the determination in his eyes and how much you had changed him. he wanted this. he wanted out. and how could you strip him away from that. </p><p> </p><p>you rose from your seat and shut the door, curtains already closed for privacy you were finally alone with him. you stuck out your hand to stop his frantic movements that were trying to shove the empty plastic bowls back into containers. </p><p> </p><p>"ky- just please. be careful" </p><p> </p><p>tears were beginning to fall and one fell onto his hand, causing him to look up at how your eyeliner was already becoming smudged with the scent of desperation to keep him close. wrapping his arm around yours, he guided you to straddle his lap, letting you tuck your head into the crevice in his shoulder and neck, your tears soaked his dress shirt. </p><p> </p><p>"hey- hey, thought i was the only one that smudged your makeup hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>he was trying to be comedic with you, pull you out of the abyss of sadness and into the reality that he was here for you right now, and wasn't going anywhere. not if he could help it. you ran his words over in his head, not expecting him to throw out a dirty joke right now, you playfully punched his side before he grabbed it in his palms. </p><p> </p><p>before you could even say anything to his remark, his lips crashed onto yours and the grip around your wrist never loosened. allowing his tongue to roam with yours, your constant battle between control was ever more prevalent since you began to work. you liked the power you held in the office and wondered if you'd enjoy it in the bedroom too. before you could test it out. with the guidance of his hand on top of yours, it sunk into your already soaked panties and with his index finger and yours, they began rubbing slow circles over your clit. </p><p> </p><p>"oh fuck you're already so wet for daddy hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>you couldn't compose the words to fire back at him, mouth filled with muffled and gentle sighs. discarding your hand, he used his own fingers to work you. yours trailing out of the heat, the second they immediately hit the air, he placed them in his mouth and gently sucked off the juices, sending you into a euphoric bliss. attaching your lips to his neck, while his fingers worked between your folds and clit, you rode out your orgasm in his arms, sinking into his neck, allowing you to regain your breath. he helped you with your dress and sat you back down into your office chair. you both looked at each other, helpless. you needed that relief and he wanted to give you that brief reassurance that he would be here late to pick you up and take you home. </p><p> </p><p>kissing you on the cheek, you left it between you in a lulled silence, as the door closed behind him you regretted not saying those three words. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"hello doll ! earth to mother, you still with me?" poe was snapping his fingers in your face, materials, linens, models portfolios and sketches all sprawled out in your office. surrounded by cardboard cartons of coffees, it was nearly 11pm and you still needed to decide on one final garment to send to begin manufacturing. </p><p> </p><p>"yes sorry sorry! minds all over the place right now, i think we should go with-" before you could brush off your gut wrenching, and mind running thoughts that kylo could be bleeding out in an alley somewhere, poe's hand met yours and shook you a little until you looked up to see his reassuring and concerned gaze. </p><p> </p><p>"what's up sugar plum? you already bored of this job? or are you thinking about that fridge of a lover boy hmm? care to share maybe?" he was trying to satisfy you with his sexual remarks about kylo and you. you had been somewhat private after saying 'i love you', only telling rey that things were going 'really well'. but something deep inside you felt like poe would understand somehow. you took a deep breathe and released. </p><p> </p><p>"aha sorry he's all mine. i'm fine he just worries me sometimes thats all, it makes me angry at how careless he is, and how cautious i am. believe it or not, those roles used to be switched. he'd be the one picking me up off the concrete drunk at 4 am but now i feel like it's me, who just wants too wrap him in bubble wrap and never let him leave my sight. i'm crazy right?" </p><p> </p><p>"oh honey, not crazy no. never crazy. you just care deeply for him and it seems to me that with you around, you somehow brought the light back into him. you see? you want him to stay home and not get hurt doing whatever mr kylo does with his time because you love him. that doesn't scream crazy to me, my love. it's natural. its like an exchange. you brought back the care and desire in him, and he has brought the reality of life and meaning of love in you" </p><p> </p><p>"oh- i never. i just-" </p><p> </p><p>"you never see it for yourself. because you're too busy worrying about him that you haven't taken a step back to see that love is driving that worry" </p><p> </p><p>"it's like with finn. it took me a month to realise that if he isn't at work, i have a bad day. just seeing his face makes me enjoy life more. and without him, well, id be a fucking horrible co-CEO" </p><p> </p><p>you both burst out into laughter and embraced in a welcoming thank you. never realising that the reason you couldn't say 'i love you' as he walked out, was because you were too blinded with the fact that you could lose him, that you didn't know that love was holding the strings as to why you were so terrified that you might. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>finally packing up 20 minutes before midnight, you had let kylo know that midnight was when you would be done. poe had stopped by your office after turning off all the lights and kissed your cheek before bidding you a happy christmas and practically skipping home to finn. collecting pencils, pads and other supplies up into your tote bag, you couldn't help but gaze out into the city lights, the snow was falling perfectly slow and the lights in the surrounding buildings left the sky lit up with a holiday hue. you closed your eyes and couldn't wait to wake up on christmas morning in the arms of the man you finally could love. </p><p> </p><p>opening your eyes, you nearly jumped out of your skin at a persons reflection in the glass. it wasn't kylo, he was much shorter and older looking. you quickly turned. heart racing and pounding to the sudden intrusion to your day dreaming. </p><p> </p><p>"who-who?" </p><p> </p><p>"i don't think we've been formally introduced, snoke" </p><p> </p><p>he held out his hand for you to shake but you were frozen behind your desk. you had heard of him, and the things he had done to get to the top, the things he had manipulated others into. he was the monster that bred them all. </p><p> </p><p>"i know who you are. why are you here?" </p><p> </p><p>"i thought we could have a little discussion about how this little thing between you and my best man is finished" </p><p> </p><p>"what?" </p><p> </p><p>he was chuckling now, slotting his hands into his pockets. " please, you didn't think he could fuck a whore like you behind my back and just leave?" </p><p> </p><p>"no- you're wrong. he is leaving. you can't just tell him who he's allowed to be with, he's his own fucking person. and just because you say jump, doesn't mean he'll follow suit" </p><p> </p><p>"careful now dove, i think we both now who has more control of him. he's sold for me, tortured for me, to hell he's even killed for me. he is forever owned by me. you're just a passing side piece that will probably end up shipped to him in parts by tomorrow morning" </p><p> </p><p>he was moving closer to you now, your feet backing up, before hitting the side of the window, you were trapped and incapable of defending yourself properly. he was too close now, still not as tall as kylo but still towered over you, leaving you gulping for breaths that were being suffocated by fear. a knife flung open from his pocket and began grazing at your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"now, what part should we start with hmm? you've got pretty eyes i'll give you that" </p><p> </p><p>trailing the blades point to were your eyebrow was, he cut deep into your skin, trailing the cut from your brow, missing your eye and stopping where your cheeks began. blood and tears mixing, you thought about this all wrong. you were scared you would never see kylo again because he could be killed, never realising that your positions were switched. </p><p> </p><p>not wanting to surrender as he was aimlessly speaking to you, you remembered rey made you go to a self defence class after you decided to walk home alone after stripping. you only remembered a crotch shot and luckily his legs were just far enough apart for you to drive your knee into him. causing him to fall back in pain. you ran over to your desk drawer while he was regaining his stance, blocking off the door way. you held up the gun, and clicked the safety off. you weren't terrified to shoot him. in fact you wanted to. </p><p> </p><p>"you're pathetic you know that? i bet you don't even know how to use that thing. you look ridiculous. you wont do it. not for him, he's disposable, just like you. two pathetic fools, maybe you both deserve to die hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>"if this is your plea for me not to fucking shoot you between the eyes, you're doing a really shitty job" </p><p> </p><p>"oh dove, i know you wont shoot me. because of him. what would he do hmm? the man that raised him. his brains blown out on your cream carpet that i am sure he paid for. he'd finish you himself. no need for me to intervene. he knows his loyalty, he knows-" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>BANG</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you shut your eyes at the sudden gun shot. but you didn't feel yourself pull the trigger. you weren't the one to kill snoke, but the leather boots that you could see through the haze of your irises, that were standing in the door way before running over to your cocooned body on the floor did. </p><p> </p><p>"hey hey, he's not going to hurt you anymore, oh my god you're bleeding, if i could kill him again i would" </p><p> </p><p>it was kylo. </p><p> </p><p>still trembling that he had just shot the only father figure he had, he began to cradle you within his arms, holding your bloodied cheek with a handkerchief, trying to wipe away your tears with his free thumb. he rocked you slowly and turned you away from the blood bath that was surely staining the carpet. </p><p> </p><p>"kylo, i'm okay i promise- " </p><p> </p><p>"that's going to leave a scar angel" </p><p> </p><p>you chuckled before letting out " looks like we'll both be matching then hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>he realised that he also had the same one on the opposite side, like a sick twisted version of couples tattoos, you now had scars that completed each other. </p><p> </p><p>the reality wasn't setting in yet and he knew that, trying to distract your mind from the brains that were blown onto the curtains and furnishings of your office, he kissed your blood soaked lips until you gasped for air. </p><p> </p><p>"i think i need a list of all your fucking enemies that are going to scar me from now on, a gunshot wound and now this? i think is enough for me" </p><p> </p><p>you thought he'd laugh at your comedic side comments but it made his eyes widen and grin fall. </p><p> </p><p>"what? what's wrong ky?" </p><p> </p><p>"i- i love you and i'm scared to lose you. i thought i wouldn't see you again. after talking to vic about where snoke was, he told me he was planning on a 'visit' and my gut just knew. i thought i was going to be too late, and that it would be you on the floor. you mean so much to me that if you were gone, i couldn't-" </p><p> </p><p>you kissed him all over his face, eyes, lips, nose everywhere. you had never heard him speak so openly about what he felt for you and you realised that you were more than a mere whore that snoke believed you to be. </p><p> </p><p>"oh- now who's the big softie hmm?" </p><p> </p><p>nudging him with your nose, he laughed and flashed you the smile that made your heart flutter each time your eyes laid their sight upon it. </p><p> </p><p>"i love you too" </p><p> </p><p>you sat there for a while, in silence, just holding each other. not kissing, just in each others arms. and in that moment you knew that he was all you had and you were all he had. </p><p> </p><p>"oh-"</p><p> </p><p>"hmm what is it love?" </p><p> </p><p>"merry christmas kylo" </p><p> </p><p>looking out into the snow and back to his watch, the hands struck midnight. </p><p> </p><p>"merry christmas angel"</p>
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<a name="section0035"><h2>35. a gift.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>TW: discussion of violence </p><p> </p><p>the couple of days of festive cheer was briefly blown out because of the mess that kylo had left on your office floor.</p><p> </p><p>a few moments after you had held each other close and he had wiped away the blood that was still pouring from your newly blemished scar, his digits were rapidly pounding on his phone screen and scrolling for his 'knights'. </p><p> </p><p>he had briefly told you about them before, but there was a coldness in the way that he described them. he described them as if they were just tools of manipulation and torture. but the way his facial expressions scattered across his face when speaking about each individual one, you could tell that he regarded them highly as much as a family. vic was the only one that stood out to you, the way kylo's hand gestures and small bursts of breathy laughter erupted from his mouth when telling memories from the past. it felt like more of a brotherly bond had formed between them. why else would you have only ever seen vic's face when catching a ride to work, or to kylo's apartment. </p><p> </p><p>he trusted him. </p><p> </p><p>so thats who he called. </p><p> </p><p>"vic, don't ask questions just get yourself to my location, i'm dropping you a pin now" </p><p> </p><p>he hung up. </p><p> </p><p>it all began to become real, all of it. while you were being cradled in his arms and gazing at the lights and fallen snow of the city outside, it felt like you were in a sphere where time stood still. but then the faint metallic and blood curdling scent filled the air and suffocated you back into a state of paranoia. </p><p> </p><p>he came here to kill you. </p><p> </p><p>there must be others. </p><p> </p><p>will they just keep on coming? </p><p> </p><p>you didn't realise that kylo was standing now, trying to search snoke's body for any ties to his identification. he couldn't be found dead, they would all come. pulling out his mobile and burner phones, wallet, keys, receipts and even old gum wrappers, until the linings of his pockets were bare and unused. </p><p> </p><p>there was a faint pounding of footsteps approaching and you crawled into the corner, hiding your head in amongst your arms. rocking back and fourth, you tried to seperate the sounds from what were in your head and reality. muffled voices were exchanging information, it felt like you could hear and see yourself reliving the events that only happened minutes before. </p><p> </p><p>"you know what you have to do?"</p><p> </p><p>"face, finger tips and clothes. don't worry boss, you know this isn't my first rodeo, and it would be my pleasure to remove this cunts face slowly" </p><p> </p><p>no identification. </p><p> </p><p>by vanishing any sense of snoke's appearance, you realised how disposable people in kylo's life were. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you were brought out of your elbows comfort with kylo cradling you into his arms, pushing strands and dried blood from your face, he placed his lips onto your forehead for reassurance. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"it's okay angel, we are going to take care of it, ushar is waiting outside to take you home. i'll be home soon okay? we just have to take care of a few things first" </p><p> </p><p>you tried to focus on his words but you could see vic begin to flick his blade in and out, like he was waiting for the green light. you shut your eyes, and nodded your head. you didn't open them or say anything again until you were in the back seat of the car. </p><p> </p><p>and he was gone. </p><p> </p><p>it was only you. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>once you shut the door to the apartment and your back collided with the door that was separating you from the loudness and memories of what happened while you were gone. your breathing became less hitched and the pulse that was beating through your veins was slowly dropping to a rhythmic pace. dropping your tote, your stomach wasn't obeying to the rest of your bodies actions. </p><p> </p><p>running past the living room and swinging the bedroom door open, it was a race to the bathroom before what you felt like was going to be your entire soul being thrown up and displaced all over the blackened tiles. </p><p> </p><p>making it just in time, there wasn't enough energy in you to move your distressed curls out of the way, pure vomit dripping all around your mouth and on the loosened ends of your hair. wretch after wretch, your knees and legs becoming numb to the constant position in which you were crouched over the porcelain. your throat burning and clasping for moisture that wasn't the facade of bile and acid. your lips quivering and your stomach fighting back. </p><p> </p><p>you had never felt this way before. </p><p> </p><p>something wasn't right. </p><p> </p><p>sure you had been round the block a few times with drunken nights and the mixture of molly and tequila, but a couple of minutes hurling whatever you could up in the club toilets, would leave you more exhilarated and energised to get back onto the dance floor and do it all over again. </p><p> </p><p>this made you feel like death. </p><p> </p><p>it was like your own body was fighting back, your trial at repressing the horror was forcing itself back up and out of you, for you to see what you had gotten yourself into. </p><p> </p><p>you wished kylo didn't leave you, you wished he could have caught your hair in time, and rubbed your back in small circles with his broad palms while you made a mess of his bathroom, once again. </p><p> </p><p>but you were alone. </p><p> </p><p>you had to fight this constant feeling by yourself. your head was starting to pound like screws into your temple, and your fingertips began to tremble again at the amount of energy it had taken you to cope.</p><p> </p><p>while your stomach was slowly calming you let yourself rest your head on the crevice of your elbow, gazing directly at the bathroom cabinet under the sink where you would keep your toiletries. </p><p> </p><p>a rush of paranoid thoughts flooded your mind. trying to psychoanalyse where everything was stored, bandaids, sleeping pills, face masks. tampons. tests.</p><p> </p><p>you pushed all your rapid thoughts down, and picked yourself up off the floor. your hair and clothes were soaked in what didn't quite make the desired target. stripping slowly feeling like your body had been used for one of kylo and his knights punching bags, you turned the shower on and let the water wash away the remnants. </p><p> </p><p>the bathroom sound was now echoed with the rushing of water and it was easing your mind to the sonic thoughts and ever playing sound of kylo's gun radiating in your ears until it hit and blew his skull apart. </p><p> </p><p>you needed sleep. as much as the waters warmth comforted you like a safety blanket of ever flowing arms, the bags under your eyes were practically pulling your body to the ground. slowly easing yourself away from the trickling of sensetivity, you reached for his towel, freshly washed and smelling of him. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>shutting the yourself into the bathroom for a second more,  you opened your cabinet, and took a brief moment to yourself. sighing, maybe it was your paranoia, maybe it wasn't. but you had to make sure. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>your phone lit up on the side of the side dresser and you rushed to its side. </p><p> </p><p>'get some rest. i'll be home in the morning. ky' </p><p> </p><p>you stopped. </p><p> </p><p>there was a coldness about his text, no words of affirmation, no subtle flirtatious hints. </p><p> </p><p>before you could respond another message sprung to light. </p><p> </p><p>'i love you'</p><p> </p><p>it felt morbid to receive a comedic love text from a man that had just killed his only father figure, it felt as if he had just worked a late shift and would be home late. the normalcy of his real life was encroaching onto yours and consuming it.</p><p> </p><p>'i love you too' </p><p> </p><p>you placed the phone face down on the dresser, sinking deeper onto the mattress you had no strength to change, but instead let his cologne and weight of the towel send you into a lulled sleep after a few tosses and turns.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>waking up with the gentle coerciveness of his fingers trailing the seams of the towel, and the kisses that he left a trail of from your forehead to your collarbones. </p><p> </p><p>you immediately sat up, widening yourself awake instantly and grappling his shoulders into you, pulling him in, and feeling his entirety to make sure he was safe and that everything went to plan. </p><p> </p><p>"hey, hey, you missed me that much huh?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"shut up. you could have been killed."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"i know, and i'm sorry that i made you worry so much"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"what about-"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"it's all been taken care of, why don't we talk about that tomorrow?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you wanted to know the truth but you could tell from the bags and sunkeness in his face that the exhaustion would effect his temper and your everlasting questions. </p><p>you nodded in acceptance to his brush off. trying to change the subject, the sun was rising on christmas day and it made a glint in your eyes appear. </p><p> </p><p>"it's christmas, we need to exchange - !" </p><p> </p><p>before you could express your excitement anymore he pulled a present out from behind his back like he could read your excited mind before you had even awoken. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"okay okay! calm down, let me go first" </p><p> </p><p>"ky, you didn't have to, it's just been my birthday" </p><p> </p><p>"are you answering back?" </p><p> </p><p>you saw a glint in his eyes, it's as if he wanted you to be disobeying him, you stared down at the ribbon that was dressing the rouged coloured box and wished your wrists could feel its texture. </p><p> </p><p>"no sir" </p><p> </p><p>his finger collided with your chin, lifting it up ever so slightly to place your gaze directly on his eyes, with a quirk smirk and subtle wink he leaned in, brushing his lips against yours in a teasing anticipation. </p><p> </p><p>"good girl" </p><p> </p><p>breaking away from your lips he placed the squared box on your naked lap, falling asleep in his towel seemed comfortable at the time, but you had woken up to the winter air that had left goosebumps plastered all over your thighs. </p><p> </p><p>"open it"</p><p> </p><p>a smile was plastered all over his face, like a giddy kid, he was happy whenever you were happy. you undid the string delicately so you wouldn't ruin the effort you could tell he had made. undoing the lid, black tissue paper hid its contents, carefully moving the paper out of the way to reveal the gift.</p><p> </p><p>you were shocked at the pieces you saw. </p><p> </p><p>a chip from the cherry plaza, a material sample from your meetings, multiple napkins and dinner cards from the various restaurants he had taken you to and a pair of keys. </p><p> </p><p>you let out a small tear at how sentimental he had been all this time. it made you love him even more.</p><p> </p><p>you pulled the keys out of the box and analysed the keychain that had already been added, it was a souvenir keychain of central park, reminding you of the bagels and lunchtime walks you both had been on during lunch breaks. </p><p> </p><p>"ky-what?"</p><p> </p><p>"well i know how much you like my porsche"</p><p> </p><p>"w-what?"</p><p> </p><p>"well i thought my angel would like her own to match"</p><p> </p><p>you were shocked. </p><p> </p><p>"a-a fucking car?"</p><p> </p><p>he chuckled at how lost for words you were. </p><p> </p><p>"yes a 'fucking' car, it's a black porsche taycan"</p><p> </p><p>"holy shit. thank you thank you thank you! how am i going to accept this oh my god ky"</p><p> </p><p>pulling him into a tighter embrace, his head nestled between your neck and his lips met your ear with an ease. </p><p> </p><p>"hmm i can think of a few ways"</p><p> </p><p>you both giggled before pulling each other into a brief kiss. </p><p> </p><p>"right now where's mine hmm?"</p><p> </p><p>your heart stopped. </p><p> </p><p>pulling it out of the draw, you were nervous. but your heart and head were in a constant battle, so you swallowed your paranoia and let your hands guide the box over to him.</p><p> </p><p>you handed him the small box. your heart was racing, your next moments and future all amounted to this moment. breathing hitched, you swore you stopped breathing. you analysed how he was silent while scoping out what it could be. the box was rectangularly shaped, matte black and had a small golden string wrapped around it. to anyone, they would have guessed watch, but you both knew he owned too many of them to ever be one. </p><p> </p><p>his fingers skimmed the sidings and carefully undid the string, he noticed how you were picking at the sides of your fingers, you only did that when you were nervous, force of habit. he never looked up at you, just focused on the box. and what could be inside. </p><p> </p><p>lifting the lid, black tissue was hiding the contents, his fingers becoming stressed and annoyed, ruffling the paper, before viewing the contents. </p><p> </p><p>there was a moment of silence between you too, miracle on 34th street playing on low in the background of the living room, the apartment felt desolate in those moments before a large sighed gasp left his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>he looked up at you, water building up the sides, his hazel contented eyes were swirling and gazing all over your face, flicking between each of your own as a small smirk formed in the crevices of his lips. </p><p> </p><p>"is this real?" </p><p> </p><p>you couldn't bring yourself to words just yet. softly nodding as your own tears started to brim up at the sides. </p><p> </p><p>he placed the box next to him and brought his arms up around your sides, holding the back of your head as he searched over your face for a slight inclination of disloyalty. </p><p> </p><p>but there was none. there never was. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"you're pregnant" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>you nodded again, as he let out a soft and relieved chuckle, you did the same. before your noise could enter the surroundings its as if he caught it with his own, colliding his lips into yours and leaving them there, never moving or coming up for air. just living in a moment that he knew you were his, and he was yours.</p><p> </p><p>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-<br/>-</p><p>hi hi my loves! i hope you enjoyed the penultimate chapter of 'messy sketchbooks', this fic has really opened me up to writing. and the community it has given me makes me feel loved and accepted like no other ! </p><p>i love speaking to every single one of you and laughing and reading your comments throughout. </p><p>i cannot believe i only have one chapter left :( </p><p>i have some other fics in the works and my charlie barber fic has a couple of chapters released already !!</p><p>i love you all so much</p><p>amelia </p><p>xx</p>
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